Mr. President, are you and Elon Musk on the same page? More precisely, do you support his current decision concerning the Palestinians?
My friend Elon has ideas, not decisions. I’m the one who makes decisions. Elon is a smart guy. Some would say he’s a very smart guy. He thinks outside of the box, which is a good thing, and then he brings his idea to me. I’m the commander in chief and I decide if his idea is a good one. Elon, who is merely my assistant by the way, has lots of ideas; he’s like an idea machine. Ideas pop out of his head like toast popping out of a toaster. Some would say he makes too much toast. So, I’m the decider. I’m the one who decides if the toast gets buttered or not. Now what slice of toast are you referring to?
It’s the one about Gaza and the Palestinians, sir. Musk said the Palestinians will be emigrated to Mars.
Oh yes! That’s one of the good ones. It’s one of the best outside-of-the-box ideas that Elon has ever come up with.
But Mr. President, isn’t it a rather unorthodox, or even a dangerous idea?
No, it’s an outside-of-the-box idea. “Dangerous” is what libs say about any good idea that they haven’t thought of themselves, and by the way, they haven’t had a good idea for years. Elon’s idea, which I will supervise, solves a big problem. Look, their place is a mess; anyone can see it’s true. Gaza is an unlivable pile of rubble. When Hamas viciously attacked Israel, which, by the way, never would have happened had I been president, Israel did what any other country would have done; it dropped 2,000-pound bombs on anything that could hide a Hamas terrorist, which unfortunately was everything. So, there’s nothing left for the Palestinians; Gaza is a just dangerous pile of broken bricks and half-destroyed buildings, many of which might still hide bombs that have yet to explode. By the way, do you know we still find unexploded bombs from WWII all over the place in Europe? We find them all the time. Anyway, it’s too dangerous for them. The Palestinians aren’t equipped to safely meddle in the debris. For their own sake, they need to be moved out of Gaza while more capable hands clean up the mess and turn it into something beautiful. It will take us years, by the way, maybe even decades. That’s why we have to get the Palestinians out of the way. It’s for their own safety of course, but it’s for ours, too. One can never know when a peaceful Palestinian is going to turn into a violent terrorist. Some say it’s in their blood. Anyway, we can’t have them lurking about while our brave and patriotic workers are cleaning up the debris and erecting grand hotels and casinos. So, it will be a big job, a really big job, but when we’re finally done, it will unbelievable, it will be something so beautiful; so beautiful, the likes of which the world has never seen before.
But to Mars, Mr. President? Is that safer than Gaza?
So, where exactly would you send them? Jordan said they can’t house many more refugees, and Egypt is reluctant to take them in. Nobody really wants them. I mean they can be a fine people if given the chance to dust themselves off, but where on Earth can they go? No one in the Middle East wants them. No one in Europe or Asia wants them. The United States certainly won’t import two million Palestinians into its borders. I mean look, I was elected to kick people out, not to let them in. Let me just say it again; for their own safety, we couldn’t let them stay in Gaza, and no country on Earth wanted to take them in. We were confronted with a dilemma, but then, just when it seemed there was no practical solution, Elon Musk’s brilliant out-of-the-box piece of toast popped up: He said, why don’t we send them to Mars?
Okay, to Mars, but how?
Well, it’s not really a new idea at all, except for using the Palestinians. Elon has been thinking about it for a long time. He’s had plans to create a big city on Mars for years. With my help, he’ll just move his timeline up a bit. Instead of 2050, we’ll aim for 2030 or maybe even sooner. We’re Americans; with God on our side, we can do whatever needs to be done. Sure, it’s complicated, but just imagine the magnificence of it: all those rockets taking off! And it won’t be from just one place either; it will take thousands upon thousands of rockets launched from different launch pads all around the world! It will be like a giant 10 or 20-day Fourth of July festival that the whole world will celebrate together. It will be an extraordinary extravaganza, the likes of which the world has never known!
It sounds like quite a send-off Mr. President, but will the Palestinians want to even go there?
Well, I don’t see why they wouldn’t. They don’t have anything here except a big pile of rubble and a neighbor who hates them. Look, here they lived on a tiny sliver of land that many say was never really theirs to begin with, and now it’s destroyed. On Mars they’ll have a whole planet to themselves, and with no rubble! There will be no Israel next door to threaten or control them, and no 2000- pound bombs falling from the sky. They’ll be free to live in peace and prosperity! So, what Palestinian in their right mind wouldn’t want to go there? I mean it’s a whole planet, for God’s sake, and it will all be theirs. They’ll have it all to themselves, at least for a very long time.
Mr. President, it’s never been done before, and with such magnitude! Mars is hardly habitable, and just getting there will be dangerous in itself.
Look, when Moses guided the children of Israel to the shores of the Red Sea, do you think it had ever been done before? Moses was chosen by God to lead them there. With Egyptians in hot pursuit, God told Moses to stretch out his hand, and then He parted the sea and even dried the mud to make the crossing easier. When the children of Israel were safely on the other side, God closed the sea back up, and His chosen people found themselves safely standing on their sacred promised land, which many say included Gaza, by the way.
But Mr. President, wasn’t that a little different? That was all on Earth, and are you saying that God’s hand is involved in this mission? Will God protect the Palestinians as they cross the vast ocean of space? And what about their safety when they finally get there?
Look, I might not be Moses, but there are many who say, many who have real conversations with God every day by the way, that I have been chosen to do God’s work and make America great again. Who’s to say they’re wrong? And you know, when that bullet whizzed past my ear in Pennsylvania, it was like a whisper from God that only I could hear. It was like He was saying, “Listen Donald, I have a little more work for you to do before I bring you up to sit beside me in Heaven.” So, while I might not be Moses, I’m here to carry out the will of God. I will lead the children of Palestine to the shores of space, and then my faithful disciple Elon will ferry them across the vastness of space to their promised land on Mars.
Wait, did I hear that right? Did you just say that Musk will actually go to Mars with the Palestinians?
Well sure, it was his idea after all. There’s no denying that I will miss him, but the Palestinians will need him more than I do. They’ll need his ideas. Elon’s the only one who will know exactly what needs to be done. He’s been studying it for years. He will be there with them, showing how to set up the space tents and all kinds of other little tricks needed for survival. It won’t all be easy, but remember this: when the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, they didn’t even have tents, yet they did survive, and just look at them now!
Elon has been so important in your second term. Can you get along without him?
Well, it won’t be the same as having him right here by my side every day at Mara Logo, but he will be leaving me with so many ideas, a lot of which I haven’t even had time to look at yet. It will take a long time to sift through all of them, so in a way, it will almost be like he’s still here. It is true though, Elon Musk has been more than just my never-leaving and ever-present assistant; he has been a dear friend. He will truly be missed. So yes, it will be tough trying to get along without him, but I will take some comfort in knowing that Elon and two million Palestinians will soon be in a better place.