There are a lot of scary things in this world, but one of the scariest is that Halloween and the Presidential election are only five days apart. It’s hard to miss the parallel between tricks-and-treats and the promises-and-panderings of politicians masquerading as the most caring, most vital, most sincere candidate. While standing behind their lapel flag buttons, they are quick to dress their opponents in something less patriotic.
The Republican right wing wants to dress Barack Obama as a socialist terrorist, putting on him a large black beard, a kufi hat and abaya robe. Instead of handing out candy, these wing nuts have Obama handing out dollar bills, which he stole from hard-working conservative millionaires.
The Right Wing doesn’t say much about Joe Biden, knowing he’s sharper than any of the candidates about foreign affairs, but he does occasionally put a foot in his mouth. Maybe they can dress him as a podiatrist.
The Democrats want to glue John McCain to George W. Bush, and parade them door-to-door as conjoined twins. Assuming that isn’t acceptable to McCain — at least now — maybe the Democrats can dress McCain as a Mission: Impossible tape recorder, knowing at some point he’ll self-destruct.
It shouldn’t be too hard to find a costume for Sarah Palin. During the past two months, the Republicans spent $150,000 on clothes for her and her family, plus at least $23,000 for makeup. After figuring out that the nation is in a Recession, that most Americans don’t even earn $170,000 in three years — and that some outraged Americans found out about her shopping spree — Palin spun out and claimed that the clothes really aren’t hers and will be donated after the election, most probably to starving Republican day traders. For Halloween, and for a truly scary appearance, maybe Mooseburger could remove all the makeup and lipstick her handlers put on her to make salivating middle-aged men believe that outward beauty is an acceptable cover-up to inner vacuousness.
While large numbers of wolves, polar bears, and moose have been seen registering to vote, hoping that Palin wins and leaves their state, Palin is busy stalking Dick Cheney’s footprint, hoping to continue her mind-meld with him.
And speaking of Cheney, a nice costume for him might be a repaired heart, assuming he had one. But, since he has again suddenly disappeared from sight, he might be dressed as the Ghost of America Thankfully Past.
Ralph Nader, who has good ideas, hardly any media coverage, and absolutely no chance to be president, could wear a large fluorescent green leaf, and carry an organic sign — “Hey, I’m over here!”
Bob Barr is running for president on the Libertarian ticket. He is an NRA board member and was once a conservative Republican who led the impeachment of Bill Clinton. Lately, he’s been on an extended speaking tour for the ACLU. Perhaps we could dress him as the Statue of Liberty, a rifle in one hand and what’s left of a shredded Constitution fiercely clutched in his other hand.
There are more than 200 other third party and independent candidates. It would be far too expensive to give them all individual costumes, so why not dress each of them as sheep on steroids, bleating to be free of the pack, and hoping to attract voters who are disgusted with the policies and candidates of the Democratic and Republic parties.
We’re not scared about the voters. They’ll do whatever it is that voters do for whatever reasons they do it. We’re scared about what happens to their votes after they’re crunched by pro-Bush Republican-dominated Diebold, the company that manufactures most electronic voting machines in the country.
Like 300 million other Americans and several billion in other countries, we’re scared about the economy. You know, the one that was spurred by a combination of greed, incompetence, and lack of governmental regulation. Children and their parents are all going to be trick-or-treating this Halloween, hoping there are still some families that have extra food to give to those who may soon become homeless.
Finally, we’re really scared that in a few months we’ll all hear George W. Bush and Dick Cheney tell us, “We’re Baaaack!”