AMA Joins Liquor Lobby

Pledging to update liquor laws, the American Medical Association joined with the nation’s producers of whiskey, beer and vodka to announce a new public health program promoting drinking as healthy exercise.

Asserting that doctors drink more than other professionals, Dr. Doug “XO” Henley, CEO of AMA, said doctors know more about health than most people do because they have a degree in medicine. “We are doing our bit for healthcare reform,” said Henley. “Drinking advice is too important to leave to untrained amateurs.”

“Bottoms Up!” is the motto of the joint-advertising venture, scheduled to kick off in high schools and colleges around the country during the spring. Leading experts say the campaign will help build arm muscles and tone bodies that do little more than click iPhone messages.

“Young adults are the only binge drinkers left in a country of old fogies,” said Sara Failin, former Alaska governor, recently hired to lead the campaign. “Young people and the GOP stand against all government regulation, so this campaign fits my bid for president reliantly. Youth wants choice so, ‘Give it to’m! Yubelchachacha!”

The announcement follows a controversial $1 billion alliance between Coca-Cola and the American Academy of Family Physicians (AAFP) to triple sales and promote Coke as a healthy alternative to water. Coke hopes to increase daily average consumption of its beverages from 2 to 10 gallons a day within the year. Toward this goal, the Family Physicians website is promoting a dozen new brands from Coca-Cola.

On the website, easy-to-read tables compare the nutritional value of water with Coke brands such as Bacardi mixers, Joy Juice, Drunkn’Eat, Vomit, and Flush. Although a number of doctors resigned from the AAFP over the contract with Coke, AMA members will split $200 billion among themselves to head off internal criticism.

Leading liquor producers contributed funds to form the partnership, which experts claim is a bargain, considering the liquor producer’s anticipated increase in sales. The AMA also expects an increase in business from the side effects when they release a number of new recommended diets, including a new “all liquid” diet, consisting of nothing but Coke products. The move is considered “a God-send” by business forces that watched consumer spending nosedive in every category except the smartphone.

“This is a win-win for everyone,” said former vice-president Dick Cheney, the newly-hired president of Eat, Drink and Forget about Global Warming, a new Washington lobbying firm. “The American people can afford to charge the expensive new varieties of Coke to their credit cards under our new improved capitalist system.”

Cheney’s firm is working to deregulate drinking and driving, encourage the use of concealed weapons in bars and on highways, and overturn any “repressive laws” on liquor, such as anti-drinking laws while duck hunting. The Texas state legislature has already passed a law requiring that customers in bars, churches, schools and government offices be armed at all times. “I always carry a double gauge shotgun in case anyone mouths the least disrespect,” said Cheney.

Cheney is also organizing a series of liquor-sponsored music and shooting events, planned for spring break in the central downtowns of the nation’s largest cities. Shooting ranges will be constructed, police placed on furlough and medical fees tripled during what Cheney describes as “the GOP’s answer to the recession.”

Cheney, Failin, Condi Rice and a dozen unemployable Bush White House lawyers are developing a Drinking Olympics, which will include chugalug contests, guess what you just drank raffles, target practice with images of Democrats, and innovative sports for college dropouts who cannot afford tuition.

“Do not forget the weapons of mass destruction,” said Cheney. “So what if we couldn’t find’em in Iraq. It only proves they are still hidden. If I could turn loose a million drunken Texas Republicans in the U.S., we’d find those weapons.”

The Obama Administration is taking advantage of the opportunity in several ways. Every soldier on active duty at 489 military bases around the world, as well as 25,000 secret bases constructed during the Bush Administration, will be given a special four-gallon-a-day ration for Coke and spirits. Secondly, with unemployment rising and college enrollment down to keep taxes low, recruiters expect to enroll millions of young men and women during the “Bottoms Up!” rallies.

According to medical experts, this is only the beginning of AMA sponsorships. Consumers can look forward to new health initiatives from McFluffy Burgers, the Cocaine Operators of Columbia, the Afghanistan Smack Dealers Association and cigarette companies, all interested in increasing their revenue with new healthcare initiatives across the U.S.

Don Monkerud is an California-based writer who follows cultural, social and political issues. He is the author of America Unhinged: Politics and Pandemic in the 2020 Election (2021). He can be reached at: Read other articles by Don.