If Only They Had Tweeted Then!

1. The Garden of Eden

Yo! A-man! Evie? Where U at?—G-D

Behind the bushes, Big Guy!—E.

What the? U hiding?—G-D

We’re naked, Lord!—A.

Whoa! Who tole u u were naked?—G-D

Duh! I thought u knew everything?—E.

Enuf wid u! Who tole u?—G-D

The serpent bid me eat of the Tree of Knowledge!—E.

An u listened to that reptile scumbag? Not to Me?—G-D

She made me do it, Lord! Don’t smite me!—A

Adam, u twirp!—E

What have U wrought, Lord?—A

OK! That does it! Outa here! Hit the road!—G-D

What a Schlimazel!—E.

I saw that!—G-D

Where do we go, Lord?—A

Follow the Yellow Brick Rd, jerk-off!—G-D

She made me do it!—A.

Kiss-off! Both of you’s! Don’t let the primrose door bump ur ass!–G-D

Please forgive me, Lord.—A.

Fa-ged-da-boud- it!—G-D

U want the Blackberry back, Lord?—A.

Shove it where the sun don’t shine!—G-D!

2. Romeo and Juliet—The Balcony Scene

Romey? O! Romey? O! Where? For? RU?—Julie.

Am climbing the ivy now!—R.

OMG! It’s poison ivy!—J.

Now you tell me?—R.

Take me. I’m urs!—J.

Soon as I get there!—R.

Oops! Wait on balc! Mom’s at the door!—J.

Bring some calamine lotion, will ya?—R.

         (After 10 minutes…)

Romey? O! Romey? O! Where? For? RU?—J.

Tired of waiting! Maybe next time! Hugs!”—R.

3. Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton

Liar!—AB

Blackguard!—AH

Federalist!—AB

Republican!—AH

Royalist!—AB

Democrat!—AH

English banker!—AB

French banker!—AH

Ur mama wears round-heeled combat boots!—AB

My father can tar n feather ur’n!—AH

Ur’n?—AB

Yeah!—AH

In ur dreams!—AB

In urs!–AH

Up urs! U dont even have a father, u Carib bastid!–AB

I’ll kill u 4 that!–AH

Not if I kill u first!—AB

Yeah?–AH

Yeah!–AB

4. Abe Lincoln at Gettsyburg

(Speaking…) “4 score & 7 yrs ago. …”

U R SOOOOO HOTT!—a fan.

Where RU?—Honest Abe

In the crowd. Pink bonnet!—a fan

I see u now! Wow! Catch me after the speech!– AL

Please wear ur hat!–me

You like hats? AL

I like men with hats! And from here, urs looks very big!

R we talking about hats?

Is the Pope Jewish?

HAHAHAHAHA!

5. Buddha at the Deer Park in Benares

So that’s the bottom line: Life is suffering. … Questions?—B

Sir. … —Disciple 1

Shoot!–B

Does “Being” precede “Non-being”? Or vice-versa?—D1

How should I know?–B

Master…, How shall we overcome suffering?—D2

Follow the 8-Fold Path!—B

What happens when we die?—D3

The condors eat you.–B

Is sex with women OK?—D4

Most of the time.–B

Can money buy happiness?—D5

Enuf money–yes. 2 much—no!–B

How do we know when we have enuf?—D6

That’s the problem.–B

  • With special thanks to A. Weiner.
  • Gary Corseri has published articles, fiction, poetry and dramas at hundreds of venues worldwide, including, Dissident Voice and The New York Times. He has published novels and collections of poetry, edited the Manifestations anthology, and his dramas have been produced on PBS-Atlanta and elsewhere. He has taught at US public schools and prisons and at US and Japanese universities. He has performed his work at the Carter Presidential Library. Gary can be reached at: gary_corseri@comcast.net. Read other articles by Gary.