Legalienation News, Oslo
In a dramatic announcement that drew gasps of pleasure and cries of “it’s about time,” President Barack Obama today won the “No-Balls” Prize for “spinelessness above and beyond the call of duty,” while retroactively losing the 2009 Nobel Peace prize, which the awards Committee confessed had been mistakenly granted due to a “tragic typographical error.” The five-member Norwegian delegation explained that it had never intended to award Obama the Nobel prize, ironically named after Alfred Nobel, the inventor of gunpowder, but rather, the “No-Balls” prize, named after Nobel’s brother-in-law Alfred Noballs, inventor of the white flag.
“President Obama’s unparalleled record of evasions, cave-ins, and sell-outs is truly awesome,” said Committee-member Erik Wahl. “We have never seen a more immense consistency of cowardice.” Obama won handily over second-place finisher Morris “Yellow Belly” Butler, who stole money from orphans and spent it on liquor and prostitutes. Gracefully conceding defeat, Butler pronounced Obama “a champion invertebrate with few peers and no superiors.”
Archbishop Desmond Tutu of South Africa reacted with unrestrained delight: “From throwing Reverend Wright under the bus to increasing the slaughter of innocents with pilotless drone attacks, Obama has proven himself a great mass of cowardly energy time and again,” he said.
Taliban spokesman Qari Yousef Ahmadi in Afghanistan also applauded the Nobel committee’s decision, confirming that Obama was responsible for escalating war and had “the blood of countless innocents on his hands.” Few can doubt that this is the stuff of which “No Balls” winners are made.
Iranian Foreign Minister Manouchehr Mottaki said,”It’s difficult to think of a more deserving recipient than a man who sustains simultaneous wars against defenseless populations in Palestine, Iraq, Afghanistan, and Pakistan.”
Orlando Sosa, a recent addition to the Nobel Committee, said the selection was intended to honor not just Obama’s swan dive into the lap of Big Business, but also his incredibly multi-faceted cowardice, including: (1) peerless command of euphemism and double-think; (2) outstanding capacity to orate for hours without saying a thing; (3) artful evasion of every moral point; (4) proven ability to see nuance where none exists; (5) a capacity to cave-in faster than an avalanche.
Obama conceded he was “deeply humbled” by the honor, and launched a cruise missile attack on Yemen to celebrate. The No-Balls Laureate promised to “stay the course” in Afghanistan, where he has killed more U.S. troops in 19 months than George W. Bush did in 7 years, and accelerate his extraordinary achievements in torture, environmental catastrophe, bankster bailouts, HMO fascism, and imperial wars from Colombia to Palestine.
As a gesture of good will, he pledged the $2 million cash award that comes with his prize to a deserving death squad that preys on children.