Oh beneficent Job-Creator, omnipotent yet merciful, we humbly solicit your aid in this time of need. Thou hast, in thy unfathomable Wisdom, taken away our livelihoods, sending forth a Plague of outsourcing, automation and credit default swaps. We have meekly borne thy punishments, and have humbly awaited our redemption and deliverance. Yet the Bureau of Labor Statistics hath borne false witness to a grievous Truth: thou hast turned away from us in our most ominous time of need.
O yea, we grew restive and dissatisfied with the blessings — however meager — which thou had bestowed on our sorry, ungrateful selves. We sowed discontent among the people, calling for a Living Wage and a union contract. Yet, O wise and forgiving Job-Creator, we now beg your indulgence of our childish ingratitude! Should you, in your magnificent Plan, choose to restore to us the bounty of our former Jobs, we shall strive most humbly to prove worthy, this time, of the infinite beneficence of our utmost, all-knowing Lord and Master.
In our deepest spirit of contrition and atonement, we therefore offer you these Sacrifices:
1. We shall not stray from your dominion, looking to the false god called “Government” to deliver us from our sufferings and need.
2. No: we shall hold steadfast, unwavering in our faith in your Banks and Corporations to relieve us of the miseries of debt and cursed usury.
3. We shall further petition Caesar to relieve you of any remaining taxation or regulations which hath provoked your banishment of millions of our humble selves to the purgatory of Unemployment.
4. We shall, moreover, praise the Bounty of your Market—rejecting all false prophets who would spread a contagion of doubt and rebellion.
O all-mighty Job-Creator, we kneel before thy throne of Wall Street. Do not, we most humbly ask, forsake us! It is in thy Power to give—under whatever terms you like!—what thou hast taken away. If we covet the “Job,” however degrading and sinful it may be, it is only to serve our most reverend Lord and Master. Harvesting the bounty of Profit to your utmost Glory, we shall glean that which remains for our unworthy yet devoted selves.
Oh merciful Job-Creator, thou hath taken away, yet thou canst give again! Amen.