I am your leader and we will do
Great things together. America, the world,
Have never seen the like.
I used to tout a wall for which we wouldn’t need to pay.
Now I think that what we should do
Is build the world’s largest playpen.
Isn’t that what a great nation would do?
We’ll all put on diapers,
And wet them to our hearts content.
We’ll cry and cry. Change me. Change me.
This is so unfair. We’ll scream, we’ll pout
Until we get our way. That’s leadership, folks.
Didn’t George Washington cry when he saw the redcoats coming?
We’ll make peeing in our pants
The national pastime. It might replace golf.
When you don’t get your way,
Cry. Let the world see those bitter tears
Rolling down your pampered cheeks
And sagging jowls. People will give in.
They’ll beg us to stop.
The way I’ve been treated, it’s so unfair.
I should be out campaigning
Instead of being held responsible for crimes
I can’t even remember. They say my old man
Was in real estate. I thought he made pretzels,
And that’s why nothing is any good unless I twist it.
Who are these people—judges, prosecutors.
They’re all a bunch of nothing burgers.
I whine therefore I am. I’m a philosopher too,
The greatest one who ever had a snit.
Now don’t get me started about those women.
I never met any of them. The photos are all fakes.
They’re not my type. They are all liars.
But you know, they’re all attracted to power.
They’ll let you do anything you want with them.
Women who have abortions, they must be punished.
I’ll keep the videos for my private viewing.
We’ll have to look again at contraception.
That’s a long and confusing word,
And might take away a man’s right to be a man.
I’ll cut your taxes if you’re a billionaire
And fork over the right amount to me.
I’ve got lawyers to feed and huge judgments to pay.
It’s not easy being the richest
White trash billionaire who every walked the earth.
They wanted me to sell some invaluable properties.
I said that the little people would pay the bill.
These laws, whoever heard of them?
They invent them just to persecute me,
And they persecute me because I stand up for
Anyone who lives just to nurture anger and grudges,
Which turns out to be quite a lot of folks.
Let’s make America great again.
Repeat after me, I will cry and pout
Until I get my way. I will execute generals
Who aren’t loyal to me. I will shoot protestors
In the street. They are all terrorists
Unless they are white and armed.
I will make cruelty a national virtue.
Things will never have been so good.
All it takes is that you believe in me,
Believe in me and buy my Bible,
My digital playing cards showing me
In made up heroic roles,
A tee shirt with my mugshot silkscreened on it,
Cologne, perfume, anything to mask the smell,
And especially my gilded sneakers.
They’re a bargain, folks, a national treasure.
Collect the whole set and I’ll invite you
To the Inauguration. We’ll have a good cry together.
Trust me.