The Secretary Testifies

Thank you, Mr. Chairman, I’d like to begin
My testimony by recommending
That Americans wear tinfoil suits
To protect them from the hidden rays
Passing around and through us and destroying
Our organs and especially our brains.
Contrary to public reports, I’m not against
All vaccines, just those not properly tested,
Which is all of them. Placebos will solve this
Problem. Why should hundreds of millions
Of dollars be wasted on vaccines
That after decades of use have not been tested?
Yes, vitamin A and cod liver oil
May work as well. The covid vaccines killed
Millions, as everyone knows. My tenure
Demands accountability, which is why
I had to fire so many worldclass experts.
Their job was to improve Americans’ health.
Instead, they speculated that microplastics
And 30,000 untested organics
May be the answer. C’mon, really?
I have shaken up the vaccine council
And appointed witchdoctors and shamans
Of proven ability to help me set policy.
I am not a duck, senators, not at all,
But I sure do love to quack, quack, quack.

This article was posted on Sunday, September 14th, 2025 at 8:00am and is filed under Poetry.