Jesus Belatedly Charged With Sexual Assault

World famous feminist lawyer Gloria Allbucks revealed shocking details contained in previously unread biblical blogs from the Dead Ocean Scrolls which show that Mary Magdaline suffered outrageous sexual abuse from Jesus but was too frightened of his power to say anything at the time.

“Now that times have changed and brave people are coming forward we can speak out for her and finally show the world what really went on in the days before TV, the internet and lucrative litigation” said Allbucks, whose press conference was attended by hundreds of elected officials, dozens of paparazzi, several former clergy awaiting trial, and six members of Girl Scouts of America who had come to the wrong press conference.

Calls for re-crucifixion came from Atheists, Agnostics, Jews, Muslims, Democrats, Republicans, the Little Sisters of the Poor and the Big Brothers of the Rich, while many devout Christians asked  for restraint and listening to both sides before rushing to judgement. Informed that both sides had been dead for thousands of years if they ever existed at all, they urged prayer and that Catholics conduct a second collection for all the suffering children in America’s charter schools.

Allbucks said she was dropping her case against statue defilers for their vicious cruelty to animals in removing bird toilets from public places and would put the full force of her skill into this case to finally reveal the untold story of a sexists criminal who fooled the world for far too long.

“When this case is over, things will never be the same for men, women and the other recently discovered sexes”, she said.

Several of the elected officials in attendance were later accused of sexually molesting the Girl Scouts in attendance and another lawsuit is expected.

Frank Scott writes political commentary which appears online at the blog Legalienate. Read other articles by Frank.