We, the jury, find the Dead White Male
426.83b, also known as Dylan Thomas,
Guilty in absentia of violating CDC guidelines,
Racism, sexism, misogyny, sexual harassment,
Toxic masculinity, sexual objectification, stalking
(Of the first degree), and cisgender transgender
Binomialism; as the accused has been proven
To repeatedly refer to his wife in letters issued
As evidence to this court as “my darling,” “my
Dear,” “my dear one,” “my own,” “my precious,”
“My Cat,” “my own own own dearest love,”
“My sweet wife,” “my wonderful wonderful girl,”
“My pet,” “faraway Caitlin my darling;” and even
Writing to Emily Holmes Coleman in the winter
Of 1936-1937, addressing her as “darling Emily
Dear,” “dear Emily darling,” and “Emily Emily
Dear Emily.” We hereby request that the accused’s
Heretical writings be surgically excised forthwith
So as to remove the malignancy and prevent
Contamination of our tolerant, polysexual, and
Polyamorous student body at this most esteemed,
Bigender, androphilic, and august center of learning.