Squire-Haven (Yes, Sir!)

We understand how hard upon the old upper-class noggin it must be,
counting up all of those farthings and shillings
from your many, various sized, rented properties…
the migraines must be atrocious, and overwhelming, to say the least.
Having an admirable, and substantial collection
of walking canes/staffs (Some would even say ‘Envied’)
does not make the general wear and tear
of your knee and ankle joints any better nor easier,
whilst roaming and patrolling the huge and magnificent
borders of your Country Estate of an evening,
with smoking pipe cornered in handlebar moustached mouth,
and shotgun over arm, shooting pheasant and duck willy-nilly,
whilst beating off trespassers, poachers and other ruffian types
with your immaculate, suave, Gentlemanly baring.
The many different types of rich foods, beverages, and desserts,
which you daily imbibe, and get your laughing gear round…
I have one word, and one word only, sir… ‘Gout’
Fear No More, Help Is At Hand, We’ve A-Gotcha!!!
We can book you into the seedy and disreputable Squire-Haven,
for a measly 3 sovereigns a-week, plus taxes… nice.
We’ve bought up 5 streets in the notorious Bedsit Land,
a stones throw from the city’s brothels and slaughterhouses.
Come take a rest with us, slum-it to your hearts content,
in rooms the actual size of prison cells, they’re so cute,
with or without a single man’s one ring stove and grill set,
a shared toilet and bath down the hallway (You’ll love it).
Walls so thin, that you can actually hear the neighbours thinking,
snoring, sighing, crying, and wishing upon ignorant stars.
Have a break from all of that stressful ‘Responsibility’,
get back to basics, get down and dirty with the filthy natives…
there’s a pub on the corner where nobody knows you, yet,
or owes you any money, hang out with the dregs, invisibly.
Squire-Haven, let us help you put some well earned purpose
and oomph back into your ‘I Have Everything And I’m Bored’ life.

Paul Tristram is a widely published Welsh writer who deals in the Lowlife, Outsider, and Outlaw genres.  He wrote his first poem as a teenager following his release from the (Infamous) Borstal ‘HMP Portland’, and he has been creating Literary Terrorism ever since. Read other articles by Paul, or visit Paul's website.