— Chris Hodges, Truthdog
Inspired by Venezuelan opposition leader Juan Guaidó, who proclaimed himself president of Venezuela a month ago, Legalienate blog editors Frank Scott and Michael Smith have announced that they are the legitimate leaders of the United States and have begun performing executive functions to “restore democracy” and bring the era of “capitalist usurpation” to an end. At a press conference in a bus terminal in Richmond, California, the two men took turns swearing each other in, after which they denied that their action constituted a coup d’etat.
“The people are with us,” said Scott. “We represent the majority: Those that refuse to vote, plus those who back candidates opposed to the fake democracy. We are deeply humbled to be the first truly popular government in U.S. history.”
“In spite of unique and massive advantages, the country is in disastrous shape, and has been for some time,” added Smith. “That alone justifies regime change – check with Thomas Jefferson.”
After a brief power struggle, Scott emerged as foreign policy czar and Smith democratic emperor of domestic affairs, although experts warn that further self-proclamations in the near future may alter this state of affairs.
“This is a democracy,” said Smith. “Everything belongs to the head of state.”
“That’s us,” observed Scott.
The two men immediately began forming their cabinet, giving appointments to friends and family members with long records of public service undermining capitalism and imperialism.
“My cousin Vinnie punctured both his eardrums to avoid the mass slaughter in Korea,” said Scott. “He has trouble listening to advice, or listening to anything, but at least he knows war is our enemy.”
“He’ll have peace in a week,” added Smith.
An urgent text message from Kim Jong Un quickly lent credibility to the prediction: “I’ll scuttle the nukes for season tickets to the NBA!!!!” Reached for comment, newly appointed ambassador to Pyonyang Dennis Rodman said, “I think that can be arranged.”
In order to bring an end to the “pointless wars” Donald Trump promised to terminate but never did, Smith has frozen U.S. government bank accounts around the world. Newly sworn in Defense Secretary Tulsi Gabbard, ordered by Scott to “cut the crap” about Putin, Assad, and other stand-ins for Satan, announced that the Pentagon will be converted to peaceful production, principally hash pipes and male birth control.
“Make love, not war,” said Gabbard, who served in Iraq in 2005 and saw the worst of it.
In a spiteful move, Donald Trump has refused to leave the White House, citing his “democratic” election in November 2016 as justification. But those elections are widely regarded as fraudulent. “Trump got 46% of the vote in an election that had 58% turnout,” said Scott, “which means he won less than 27% of the electorate. That’s lower than Nicolas Maduro in Venezuela, who got 31.7% of the electorate there.”
“And just look at the mass demonstrations against Trump,” added Smith. “Overwhelming numbers of women, ethnic minorities, youth, and gay and transgender people openly dispute his right to rule.”
“That’s why we have to take over,” said Scott, who called upon the armed forces to cooperate with the transition to people power, and “do the right thing” with ex-president Trump.
“With that hair of his he actually looks good in an orange jumpsuit,” said Smith.
Smith and Scott face accusations that their calls for international “humanitarian aid” to help Americans dying of opiode addiction, poisoned drinking water, and lack of access to medical care, are a Trojan Horse to allow foreign interests to take over the country.
“They’re a front for Vladimir Putin,” declared Rachel Mad Dog, a popular television talk show host. “Just because we can’t give people clean water, medical care, a decent wage, or relief from constant despair, doesn’t mean Russian troll farms aren’t our biggest problem.”
