Dardanelle, AR — Adding fire to the controversy of Senator Tom Cotton’s letter to the Leaders of the Islamic Republic of Iran, evidence has surfaced that in addition to treason, the senator may also be guilty of self-plagiarism. Spanky Walton, retired principal of Dardanelle High School, read the text of the Senator’s letter yesterday and was beset by an uncomfortable feeling that he had read the letter before.
- Reviewing some of his old files, Mr. Walton came across the following letter from a young Tom Cotton:
An Open Letter to the Principal of Dardanelle High School
It has come to my attention while listening in on your phone calls to my mom and stepdad that you may not fully understand some basic family constitutional factoids. Thus I am writing to bring your attention two of them:
First, Bruce is not my dad. He is just some mixed-race weirdo my mom had an infatuation with a few years ago and in one of her moments of poor judgment married him.
Second, I’m 18-1/2 years old.
What these two constitutional provisions mean are (a) Bruce can’t speak on my behalf and agree to extend my detention for exercising my first amendment rights on the wall of the boys bathroom, and (b) even though I have just started my first year in high school and could stay pretty much forever, I’m signing up to go to Iraq. So whatever you and Bruce say about my detention isn’t worth the toilet paper it’s printed on.
I hope this letter enriches your knowledge of my family’s constitution and puts these stupid negotiations about my detention to rest.
Sincerely,
Tom Cotton
Senator Cotton was unavailable for comment.