Side Effects May Include

Take two tablets by mouth twice daily. Do not crush or chew. Swallow whole. Take with food. Do not operate large or dangerous mechanical devices or heavy machinery for twelve hours. Side effects may include any or, in some cases, all of the following:

Abdominal bleeding, abdominal pain, abnormal or vivid dreams, abnormal thoughts, acne, aggressiveness, agitation, allergic reaction, altered taste, amnesia, anemia, anxiety, back pain, black stools, blindness, bloating and gas, blood clots, blood in urine, blurred vision, blushing, breast development in males, breast pain or enlargement, breast tenderness, breathing difficulties, bruise-like marks on the skin, cataracts, cerebral thrombosis, changeable emotions, changes in heartbeat, chest pain, chills, clammy skin, confusion, congestive heart failure, conjunctivitis (pinkeye), constipation, coughing, daytime drowsiness, decreased appetite, decreased inhibitions, decreased sex drive, depersonalization (unreal feeling), depressed mood, depression, diarrhea or loose stools, difficulty breathing, difficulty swallowing, difficulty with ejaculation, dizziness, double vision, dry eyes, dry mouth, emotional volatility (mood swings and/or extreme elation), exaggerated feeling of well-being, eye pain, fainting, fatigue, feeling “drugged” or light-headed, feeling faint upon arising from a sitting or lying position, feeling of illness, fever, flu symptoms, fluid retention, flushing, forgetfulness, frequent urination, gastrointestinal complaints, grandiose thoughts, hair loss, “hairy” tongue, hallucinations, hearing loss, hearing problems, heart attack, heartburn, hemorrhage or discharge, hemorrhoids, hepatitis, hiccups, high blood pressure, high pressure within the eye (glaucoma), hives, hot flushes, hypoglycemia, impaired concentration, impaired muscle formation, impotence, inability to sleep (insomnia), inability to stay seated, inappropriate and out-of-control behavior, increased appetite, increased salivation, increased sex drive, increased sweating, increased temperature, indigestion, inflamed nasal passages or nasal congestion, inflammation of the pancreas or stomach, inflammation of the penis, somnolence (sleepiness), intolerance to light, irregular heartbeat, itching, joint pains, kidney failure, lack of coordination, lack of need for sleep, lack of sensation, leg cramps, liver failure, liver or kidney inflammation, loss of appetite, loss of personality, low blood pressure, low blood pressure, male sexual dysfunction (primarily ejaculatory delay), manic or hippomanic states, memory loss, menstrual problems, migraine, movement problems, muscle cramps or weakness, muscle pain, muscle rigidity, nausea, need to urinate during the night, nervousness, no fear of danger, nose bleed, pain upon urination, pain, paranoia, peptic ulcers and bleeding peptic ulcers, prolonged bleeding time, prolonged erection, purplish spots on the skin, racing rapid mood shifts, rash, rectal hemorrhage, respiratory infection/lung problems, ringing ears (tinnitus), rolling eyes, seizure, sensations of high energy, sensitivity to light, sexual problems, shortness of breath, sinus inflammation, skin eruptions, skin peeling, sleep disruption sleepwalking, sore throat, sore tongue, speech problems, sputum increase, stiffness, stomach and intestinal inflammation, stomach or upper intestinal ulcer, swollen ankles, swollen eyelids, swollen face, swollen feet, swollen lymph nodes, swollen sex organs, swollen throat, swollen wrist, taste changes, thirst, thoughts of harming yourself, throbbing heartbeat, thrush, tingling or pins and needles, tooth grinding, tremor (shakiness), twitching, ulcer of gums, unusual risk-taking behavior, upper respiratory tract infection, urinary retention, vaginal inflammation, vertigo, voice loss (laryngitis), vision loss or changes, vomiting blood, vomiting, water retention, weakness, weight gain, weight loss, wheezing, yawning, yellow eyes and skin.

Should any or all of these side effects persist, or if some completely new ones show up, call your physician, your pharmaceutical company—and, in some cases, your plumber.

G. Kim Blank is a professor, writer, and media consultant. He has published books, articles, and chapters in the areas of literary history and criticism, media, conflict and theory, and on many other topics. Read other articles by G. Kim.

7 comments on this article so far ...

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  1. catherine said on July 29th, 2009 at 10:08am #

    You forgot “death.”

    These ads would be hysterical if they weren’t so criminal. Someone, I wish I could remember who, said, “Don’t take any medication that you see advertised on TV.”

    I used to think the auto companies owned the TV advertising sector. No more. Thanks for your, uh, list.

  2. Melissa said on July 29th, 2009 at 10:33am #

    And where are the provisions for natural medicine in the effort to spread “health care”? The end game of the push for “reform” is to make alternatives either illegal, or too much of an extra expense.

    Is this really what we want? Vitamin B-6 to be a prohibited substance? ( it is now, thanks to pharma) Forcing insurance on those of us who spend that money on more expensive, non-GMO, on preventative health, on naturopaths and herbals?

    Don’t get me wrong, if I get hit by a car, take me to the hospital. But if disease strikes, keep the “health care” far away! Don’t make that choice for me, I say. Hopefully, my tax burden will not rise, since I qualify as low-income, but I tend not to believe most of what these “leaders” espouse. Especially when they refuse the mandate of the majority on all other economic and foreign policy issues, as well as pulling fully socialized (singlepayer) off the table.

    Wasn’t someone submitting to this site talking about long-range planning and careful analysis? Look at how pharma salivates at the prospect of EVERYONE being addicted to a lifelong trip on the prescription and side-effect hamster wheel.

    Does anyone else care about natural health here? Can it be part of the 100% coverage conversation? -Or yanking subsidies away from CAFOs and the fast food industry that benefits from the cheap grain and cheap “food”, the devastation of health and environment running in a self-perpetual spiral downwards as a result?

    I’m not looking to destroy efforts to get health reform, I just think there is a larger sphere that constitutes true health than what doctors and Med School are willing to advocate.


  3. Eugene Ettics said on July 29th, 2009 at 8:57pm #

    When gmo food labeling is outlawed, only outlaws will control gmo food.

  4. Don Hawkins said on July 30th, 2009 at 5:31am #

    Sent this e-mail to CNBC this morning.


    Well, well, well 103 in Seattle yesterday a record. How did you like those storms in the East and the rain? More on the way a lot more. Think short term can you do that 5 years. What we didn’t hear much about is the fact that those warm temperatures in the West went all the way into Canada and Alaska. 90 degrees in the far North and permafrost melt’s at those temperatures. Who needs permafrost we have the temple of doom, booyah. We used to hear the word unusual about the weather we saw yesterday now it’s the new normal. Well get ready for a lot more new normal. Yes lower temperatures in the middle of the States and again headed for record ice melt in the North. Ask the people at the weather channel why that cold air in the middle of the country. Anyway just another day in the temple of doom.

    They were all there this day in the temple of doom rather overdressed and trying to outdo each other. In the front row of the temple was where everybody wanted to be and this day the regular’s took there seats. A man walked out in front of all at the temple of doom overdressed and yelled, booyah. All together they yelled, booyah. The man in front with every hair in place and weak hands said, “give me an S give me a T and ocks”. “what does that spell”? All together, “Stocks”. Then he said, “give me a B and give me a O and nds”. “What does that spell”? “Bonds”. At this point a big sign came down from the ceiling with the old kind of light’s and rimed in gold with the word diversified flashing on and off and they all yelled booyah together. At his point they all started to many people talking in tongues. “Put’s, calls, black box, offshore, fed, goldman, derivatives, little guy, it’s only business”. An old man in the very back row stood up and said in a loud quiet voice, “yikes”. The man in the front with the weak hands said, “who said that”? The old man in the back row raised his hand and it was strange for him to have all these people in the temple looking at him with strange eye’s a certain look that is hard it explain. The man in the front then said. “we don’t do yikes in the temple”. All together still looking at the old man they all yelled booyah”. Then another man in the front came up and a few words were exchanged and the man in the front said, we have changed our mind we will make yikes our own now”. At that point they all yelled, “yikes”. The old man walked out of the temple and headed for his favorite coffee shop for a nice quiet cup of coffee and some good conversation. As he looked back some rather dark clouds were forming over the temple and he heard off in the distance that laughter again, yikes.


  5. Don Hawkins said on July 30th, 2009 at 5:59am #

    Open the schools on time good idea bad idea? Buy that new car now get that flat screen TV call call now beach chair T-shirt. Yikes

  6. Obstreperous said on July 30th, 2009 at 6:21am #

    Disclosures on herbals would read similarly if they were regulated in the same way and were required to undergo similar clinical trials. This fallacy that natural is inherently safer is scary and why some “natural” have had to be removed from the market (e.g., ephedra), not always from inherent problems from correct use, but sometines because of either trends of misuse or potential harm to subpopulations.

    Also, perhaps the role of physicians should only to be fix what cannot be fixed by other means. Specialists in healthy living like nutrionists and physical trainers might be more appropriate, and cheaper, to consult for prevention. I think physicians and “Western Medicine” play a vital role in the health care puzzle, but we have expected them to play too wide a role. It’s like taking your car into the auto body shop and asking them to clean the bug off the windshield and asking them to tell you how not to get dents in the car. More people need to think of health care is not just the doctor’s office…not an easy habit to break.

  7. Don Hawkins said on July 30th, 2009 at 7:17am #

    Climate Engineering Responses to Climate Emergencies
    it’s under physics–atmosphere and ocean physics.

    You have to sign up for this site and please read the rules. Yikes