PROVIDENCE, R.I. (AEP) — A “blue ribbon” panel of noted academicians, corporate executives, government officials, and political pundits announced today the results of an exhaustive study affirming that women are not objectified in US society.
“We hope this will once and for all lay to rest all the untoward claims made by the ignorant that sexism still exists in the United States,” said the group’s statement. “It is quite clear to us, as learned and well-educated specialists, that all remaining differences between men and women are due totally, completely, and utterly to the unalterable influence of man’s genetic material.”
The report was hailed across all sectors of society for the definitiveness of its conclusions and the rigorousness of its approach.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said, “The sky is blue, the grass is green, the Earth is round, two plus two equals four, the Sun rises in the East, sugar and spice, snips and snails, men are from Mars and women are from Venus.”
Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney said, “Giving my daughter away will be the greatest honor my life.” When it was pointed out to Romney that he does not have a daughter, he said without blinking, “I’ll adopt one.”
First Lady Laura Bush said, “While the Taliban’s methods are extreme, we certainly understand and appreciate the good place they’re coming from.”
Democratic presidential candidate and current front-runner Hillary Clinton vowed, “I will defend the right to abortion up to the point that it starts costing me votes.”
AFL-CIO President John Sweeney said, “Women, the working class, children — what’s the difference?”
In their findings, the panel of distinguished experts noted that research like the Human Genome Project had proved conclusively that male and female behavioral differences were hard-wired into our DNA.
“For example,” said the report, “we have unassailable and iron-clad proof that women change their names upon marriage — and men like it that way — because of genetic compulsions. It turns out that Genesis 3:16 isn’t that far off after all!
“But the important thing to note,” the report said, “is that this is all genetic. The role of socialization plays absolutely no part here. Peer pressure does not exist — certainly not for adults — and society never rewards or punishes people based on their behavioral conformity or lack thereof. We have proved all this just like a mathematician proves a theorem.”
It was difficult to find any one who disagreed with the report’s findings. Even liberal anti-war activists conceded privately that they liked women better who were “pretty, young, thin, and white.”
One notable exception was the well-known and highly-respected thinker and scholar Ann Coulter. Coulter blasted the report for what she called its “excessive liberal bias.”
“This report is a sham,” she said. “It did not call for foot-binding. It did not call for the repeal of the viciously man-hating ‘rule of thumb’ — Crissake, a man has the God-given right to use a Louisville Slugger on his old lady if he wants! And it totally ignored the strong arguments in favor of bringing back the dowry.
“This report was obviously written by a bunch of soy-eating vegans who comb burrs out of their fourteen-inch beards while walking barefoot through flower gardens, picking azaleas to sell at airports for cash to buy pot with.”
A spokesman for the panel responded to Coulter’s comments by saying, “While we don’t disagree with the thrust of Miss Coulter’s sentiments, we must point out that until a new Innocent III ascends to the papacy we will, sadly, be somewhat constrained.”
Leading Democratic defenders of women’s rights have already moved to codify at least some of the report’s findings. The office of Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid announced the senator was going to introduce legislation offering tax breaks to women who purchase burkas.
President Bush has threatened to veto Reid’s legislation, however, unless it includes a provision to repeal the capital gains tax for husbands whose wives don’t work. Reid is expected to accede to the White House’s request.
In addition, former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan has suggested a unique new way to bolster a U.S. economy currently threatened by a bursting housing bubble he helped create: “If beer companies were allowed to run ads with naked girls wrestling in an inflatable pool filled with baby oil, with the winner getting the right to use a beer-bottle dildo on the loser, then beer sales would increase one thousand percent, thus saving the US economy forever and all-time!”
Liberal anti-war activists pledged to include Greenspan’s idea as part of their platform since, “What we’re doing now’s not working too well.”
The panel’s findings are expected to provide a major boost to gender relations, increasing the already high level of security and self-worth felt by the majority of American women.
“Some small minds might think we’re rolling back the clock,” said the report. “But time is a circle, and by moving backward we move forward. It’s so obvious, even a little girl can understand it.”