ALBEQUERQUE, N.M. (AEP) – A group of distinguished Nobel Laureates today released a study making the remarkable claim that working people are “not simply stupid pack mules with no inherent need for dignity or self-respect.”
Dr. Ira M. Brandenburg, lead author of the study, said, “None of us had any idea about this. We all just assumed that the people who cleaned the urinals and emptied the trash cans in this building were brainless saps who thought the world was just like what they saw when they watched professional wrestling.”
Billy Villner, Ph.D., M.D., Esq., C.P.A., R.N., M.S.N.B.C, concurred: “I just thought you had to tip them well.”
For decades, scientists have debated the working-class brain: Is it more resembling Neanderthal or Cro-Magnon? New evidence, however, suggests working people have the same potential for growth — and the same need for creative work — as doctors, lawyers, managers, engineers.
“Frankly, that’s bullshit,” said AFL-CIO President John Sweeney. “Working people can’t find their asses with both hands, a flashlight, a friend’s hands, and a map. That’s why I’m AFL-CIO president and they’re not..”
Change-to-Win leader Andy Stern agreed: “Look, if God wanted working people to have a say in anything, He’d have given them Participatory Economics. There’s a reason we live in a capitalist society.”
Stern’s secretary was mumbling something about people’s noses being perfectly designed to accommodate a pair of glasses, but Stern had placed duct tape over her mouth and tied her arms to her chair. This reporter was informed she would be released as soon as I got the hell out of Stern’s office.
Dr. Brandenburg said, “It is our belief that human beings might perhaps suffer mildly deleterious effects if forced to labor in workplaces where they’re nothing more than tools.
“Fortunately,” he added, “we live in the United States, where this sort of thing has gone the way of the dodo bird.” Brandenburg patted the American-flag pin on his lapel as he spoke.
Mel V. Lee, head of the liberal advocacy group All Human Beings Are People (AHBAP), said, “I simply can’t agree with the Laureates’ findings. Do these scientists not understand that working people like to watch sports? How can anyone who watches NASCAR or the WWF be considered human? Shame on Dr. Brandenburg.”
Villner said, “We recognize working people have crude, vile tastes. Believe me, none of us like them either. If it weren’t for Panera Bread, where could we take our children to eat on Saturday afternoons?
“Having said that, we categorically reject Lee’s contention that workers aren’t human. Apes? Yes. Non-human? No.
“Sub-human? Maybe.”
What will come of the study remains to be seen. All media outlets — from Fox News to CNN to PBS and NPR — have refused to give it any coverage. Instead, they continue to infer that working people are potential security risks and a threat to the Homeland.
Dr. Brandenburg is hopeful, however: “Look, I’m not proposing anything as radical as saying working people should have any kind of say over their labors or how us important people’s society is run. Perish the thought.
“I do think though that it would be useful if we were to pat them on the head once in a while and tell them we are fond of them.”
It is a sentiment with which people from Mel V. Lee to Former U.S. Secretary of State John Foster Dulles should be able to concur.