New Drugs for New Diseases

FDA Fast Track for What Ails You

Due to plunging public morale and wavering consumer spending, the Commissioners of the Fool and Drug Administration (FDA) have announced an expedited hearing schedule concerning applications for several new drugs aimed at improving the American psyche. The problem, according to Commission chairman, Dr. Sy Khopath, former Professor of Phrenology at the Warbucks School of Economics, is that Americans are no longer shrugging off discouraging news and sleazy events the way they used to.

At a late-night press conference on the Fourth of July held in a basement broom closet at the Department of Health and Human Services, Dr. Khopath, flanked by the US Sturgeon General, announced the urgency of the FDA effort: “We don’t know if it’s the War in Iraq, or the President’s commutation of Scooter Libby’s prison sentence, or if it’s the collapse of the housing bubble, or the cumulative effect of years of business scandals, constitutional dismemberment or economic machinations.” “All we know,” said Dr. Khopath, “is that all these trifling little things used to just disappear and be forgotten, shrugged off, you know, just like water off the proverbial duck’s back; and now everyone is just getting angrier, and they’re getting a bad case of Bastille syndrome, and the public mood is pretty damn grim.”

According to a recent medical survey commissioned by the FDA, the general malaise is not related to actual current events (because things like these have been going on for decades, if not centuries, Dr. Khopath noted), but a sharp decrease in the potency of the usual antidotes. Thus, while the life and death of Princess Di easily might have refocused last generation’s attention from significant to insignificant issues, this generation seems to have become over-exposed, and thus inured to the distractions of Paris Hilton, meaningless elections between look-alike candidates feeding at the same campaign contributions trough, and endless sequels of Hollywood escapist cinema.

“This is a critical public health problem,” exclaimed the US Sturgeon General. “It used to be easy to keep the people fat, dumb and happy: a few economic crumbs scattered over here, a lurid sex scandal over there, an occasional media feeding frenzy over something totally inconsequential. Now, however, the usual mind-altering drugs, like the stock market, lurid sex scandals, spectator sports, big screen TV, and cheap gasoline have lost their effectiveness. America needs new drugs to regain its geopolitical equilibrium!”

Among the new drugs that the FDA is rushing to approve are:

* Barfridia. Do you feel nauseous whenever you hear the nostrums of the leading candidates running for President? Does your stomach do somersaults whenever you see politicians like Hillary Clinton and Mitt Romney perform somersaults trying to explain away their past actions and positions? Do you lose your appetite at the prospect of watching yet another choreographed presidential “debate” between two mainstream, center-right candidates candidates who serve the interests of the same power elite? If so, then the once-a-day drug Barfridia is for you. Barfridia suppresses the urge to to barf whenever you hear a politician speaking. Barfidia is strong medicine: it can even calm your tummy while listening to Dick Cheney’s snarl.

Barfridia is available in 5 mg, 20 mg, 40 mg, 50mg and 60 mg orally disintegrating tablets. A larger, 2 kg “bricklet” is also effective when used as a projectile thrown at a television screen. Barfridia also is available as a suppository. The molecular weight of barfridium is 387.34 and its active ingredient is dichloropipnocrazylene44. Inactive ingredients are corn starch, processed sugar, dehydrated dollar bills, methylparaben, creme de mucusis, lactose monohydrate and FD & C Pink Polka Dot Dye No. 36. WARNING: Barfidia may cause users who exceed prescribed doses to try to emigrate to Canada. Analysis of 18 placebo controlled trials revealed a 67.3% increase in diplopia, especially when watching Democrat and Republican politicians at the same time on the same stage. Barfidia is not approved for use by children under the age of 65. Barfidia may cause dementia in citizens who are particularly sensitive to fraud and deception.

* Terrogra. Are you feeling a little worn out, tired and impotent? Is imperial over-stretch beginning to make you feel like less of a Man? Then try a teaspoon of Terrogra, the Manly way to restore self-confidence, national exceptionalism and military vigor while increasing your fear of terrorism foreign and domestic. With Terrogra, you will constantly be reminded of the Twin Towers collapsing into dust and you will see Terrorists — Black, Brown, Asian and Arab — lurking behind every flower pot, in every alley and behind every automobile accident. Terrogra stiffens limp wrists, hardens hearts and minds, and gives you the backbone to screw everybody else in the world.

Terrogra is a sterile, brainless elixir that contains 80 proof methyl alcohol for oral administration. Each 25 ml dose of Terrogra contains sodium laurel hydrate 2%, crystalline methamphetamine, confectioner’s sugar, gunpowder, hydrochloric acid and beer. In its injectable form, Terrogra administered by a swift kick to the posterior, causes a rapid onset of action and reaction. Terrogra contains a DNC and GOP thought inhibitor that blocks all rational consideration of data. Caution: Overdose of Terrogra can cause patients to go into hyper-paranoia that includes delusions that one’s parents, spouse, sibling and children are all deep cover terrorists. Terrogra has been tested for safety in 2 patients/subjects, one of whom lived to tell about it. Incidents of adverse effects were extreme and permanent, including recurring doubts about what caused Building 7 to free-fall at the World Trade Center on 9-11-2001.

* Dumberall. Dumberall is a Class VI intelligence reuptake inhibitor (IRI) that is appropriate for preventing excessive thinking about American foreign and domestic policy. Dumberall reduces the IQ to the lowest common denominator and virtually eliminates all curiosity about the truthfulness of mainstream media news stories. Dumberall is most effective when taken in large groups while sitting in front of a big screen television.

The empirical formula for Dumberall is C4H6NO3HCLPbNaH3O with a molecular weight of 1,245. Dumberall is absorbed through the senses, mostly the eyes and ears. Dumberall has been shown to be particularly effective in enhancing generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) in patients between the ages of 12 and 65. Concomitant use of Dumberall and Terrogra may produce a permanent state of psychosis. Dumberall is expressed to the greatest extent on brain cells, causing a 33% gray matter morbidity over a 24 hour period. In clinical pharmaceutical studies, peak plasma levels of Dumberall were achieved in 20-30 minutes after televised dosing. There were no plasma differentiations in Dumberall between men or women, all achieving the same level of dumbness at the same rate. Those taking regular strength Dumberall on a regular basis are advised to double the intake levels during the six months preceding presidential elections.

* Alqaederall. Originally sold during the Cold War under the trade name Redmenance, this medication has been reformulated for the 21st Century and will be marketed as Alqaederall. Similar to the drug widely prescribed to Americans during the 1950s and 1960s, Alqaederall increases anxiety in the general population and induces the salutary perception that everything bad that happens anywhere in the world is caused by the shadowy world conspiracy of “Al Qaeda”.

Alqaederall should be prescribed with care. It contains the Schedule II controlled opiate commiescare (GalAlC6NiOHAu100). Alqaederall has a high potential for abuse and risk of producing paranoia, schizophrenia and hyperventilation. In higher doses, Alqaederall can cause central nervous system depression and a high risk of death to innocent civilians. Alqaderall contains the following inert ingredients: crushed red, white and blue crepe paper, asbestos dust collected from Ground Zero, essence of Anne Coulter’s hair, and micro-shredded excerpts from the Book of Revelations. Alqaederall is contraindicated for nursing mothers, the elderly, children, and post-pubescent men and women. Alqaederall is snorted through the nose as a powder. Pinpoint pupils, a pinpoint head and chronic red eyes are signs of overdose. In clinical studies of Alqaederall conducted on thousands of 18-36 year old white males who drive large SUVs, the most frequent adverse effects were extreme mental constipation, recurrent recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance, regurgitation of platitudes heard on talk radio, loss of left-sided hearing, and priapism.

* Vioilgone. Vioilgone is indicated for use in the treatment of “peak oil” and resultant “energy collapse” caused by decreasing energy returns on energy investments. Vioilgone is particularly useful in treating panic disorders experienced by commuting suburbanites who have become hysterical when pumping gasoline. As with many medications of the Type C-24 class, there is considerable variation from patient to patient in the amount of medication necessary for treatment. Initial dosage is determined by the degree of the patient’s dependence on petroleum, the patient’s state of denial and the depletion of the patient’s assets. Vioilgone is initially administered at a filling station, although switchover to subcutaneous injection is recommended within 48 hours. Vioilgone will increase feelings of generalized “well-being” and certain beneficial hallucinations like “technology will save us”.

Vioilgone should be stored in barrels at room temperature. Its active ingredients are biodiesel 2%, lead acid extracted from old Toyota Prius batteries 6%, soy bean oil 12%, GMO ethanol 4%, uranium 235 30% and methane gas 40% from Washington DC. Inactive ingredients are: helium, hydrogen and reprocessed cow manure. Vioilgone is an antidepressant with sedative effects. It inhibits the petroleum pump membranes necessary for energy uptake. Vioilgone is excreted through the exhaust pipe. Care should be taken when reducing intake of Vioilgone due to the respiratory shock that can be caused by the perception of earth’s energy reality.

* Pollyandum. This medication is a reformulation of a medicine prescribed for more Americans than any other drug in the past two centuries. Pollyandrum, in 20mg capsule form, is indicated for preserving the illusion that all was well in the past, and we only have to return to, say, the Bill Clinton Administration, for America to save its soul. Pollyandrum converts cynics into optimists, “activists” into micro-capitalists and progressives/leftists into Democrats. Pollyandrum can also be administered as an aerosol inhaled through the nose. Its active ingredient, historignorance, is a memory-inhibiting truth-blocker that, when taken while wearing rose colored glasses, will enhance one’s belief in national mythology and fairy tales.

The active ingredient of Pollyandrum is a synthetic opiate, ZnCH4oPbNa2. The precise means by which Pollyandrum affects the central nervous system is not known, but is believed to affect the flag-waving neurons located in the right buttocks. In clinical studies of laboratory rats and CIA prisoners held in secret detention facilities, intra-nasal dosing of Pollyandrum has caused even hardened empire-deniers to “love Big Brother” after only three weeks of treatment. Pollyandrum should not be combined with water-boarding, sensory deprivation, sexual humiliation, stress positions, beating with rubber hoses or other anti-depressant therapeutic treatments administered under the supervision of military psychologists and doctors employed by the Pentagon and CIA. WARNING: excessive use of Pollyandrum eventually leads to muscular Christianity and the perception of American exceptionalism. Pollyandrum should not be prescribed to African Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, Native Americans, South or Central Americans, Women or any other group who has acutely experienced the true history of the United States.

* Oxyconomy. Oxyconomy is a synthetic narcotic indicated for the treatment of panic-stricken Citizens who do not believe in Wall Street’s “Goldilocks Economy – not too hot, and not too cool.” When taken orally as tablet-sized shares of stock, Oxyconomy will induce irrational exuberance and feelings of economic bliss. The principle therapeutic values of Oxyconomy are analgesia and sedation, combined with irrepressible urges to invest in junk value Leveraged Bond Offerings (LBO), Leveraged Debt Offerings (LDO), and similar sub-prime hedge funds and investment vehicles. Oxyconomy relieves moderate to severe pain in the banking and home mortgage industry, although research indicates that it only treats symptoms and not underlying pathology. In case of a complete economic melt-down, Oxyconomy should be administered intravenously in conjunction with pure methyl alcohol, cyanide and saline solution. Oxyconomy is particularly indicated in times of economic stagflation, when stock prices are gyrating, interest rates are rising and industrial production is falling. Oxyconomy changes cortical processes and permits patients to swallow without chewing Federal Reserve Board pronouncements that, excluding food and energy, inflation is under control. Nursing mothers, retired Americans and rehabilitated day traders are not good candidates for Oxyconomy. Caution: Oxyconomy is addictive and inevitably leads to pauperism for middle class people. Oxyconomy must not be taken in conjunction with Pollyandum — terminal and irrational optimism will result.

Oxyconomy can be prescribed by stock brokers, financial advisors as well as physicians. Tests on laboratory rats and shareholders indicate that Oxyconomy works primarily on the gray matter of the brain by increasing the body’s secretion of the neurotransmitter dopamine. In fact, 47% of patients taking Oxyconomy report that their investing behavior has become incredibly dopey. The most frequently observed adverse reactions include light-headedness whenever the DJIA increases more than 10 points, dizziness and nausea when the DJA falls back to earth. Other side effects include euphoria, central nervous system depression, increased liquidity, loss of ability to track M3, and terminal economic optimism. Caution should be taken when reducing the dose of Oxyconomy because sudden withdrawal will cause patients to want to dump dollars for euros and start growing vegetables in their backyards.

* Deludem. Deludem is an intelligence-lowering thought inhibitor that catalyzes the conversion of rational perceptions into quasi-religious and patriotic delusions. Deludem has been field tested during the 2000 and 2004 elections on thousands of American voters, most of whom cannot remember that they voted for George Bush and Dick Cheney. Deludem is indicated as an adjunct to a high cholesterol, red meat, low vegetable diet. Beneficial effects of Deludem, as exhibited by recent behavior of John McCain and numerous Pentagon generals, is a serious mis-perception that Iraqis love Americans and that the US is “winning” the hearts and minds of the peoples of the Middle East (at least those who have not yet been incarcerated, raped, beaten, tortured or killed). Deludem enhances the perception of “democracy” and converts seditious, dissenting behavior into loyal, unquestioning patriotism.

Deludem is a psychotropic medication prescribed for chronic political dissent and similar deviant behavior. Adverse reactions include red, white and blue hallucinations. Its active ingredients are the USA Patriot Act 1%, elixir of petroleum 75%, eye of newt gingrich, tongue of Saddam and white phosphorus. May cause fetal harm when administered to pregnant women. In clinical studies, Deludem has caused increased feelings of nationalism accompanied by extreme reduction of wisdom and judgment. Deludem has been shown to increase suicidal ideation in people aged 16 – 36, and, when taken in combination with the over-the-counter drug, Enlysta, has caused large numbers of young men and women to volunteer for military service. Deludem is also prescribed as a world-trade and neoliberalism enhancer.

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Some Citizens may not be appropriate candidates for these drugs. Consult your doctor, your local politicians and your pharmacist whether one or all of these medications might be right for you.

Zbignew Zingh is a writer whose articles are CopyLeft, free to distribute, copy, reprint or repost in full with proper author citation and with the "Copyleft" designation. Read other articles by Zbignew, or visit Zbignew's website.