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(DV) Fystenbutt and La Chance: Debate on How to Win the War on Terror







Two Conservative Housewives Exchange Views on Winning the Global War on Terror Through Sound Economic Policy and Bible-Based Prophecy
by Jolene Fystenbutt and Stella La Chance
July 25, 2005

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Republican strongman and future presidential candidate Tom Tancredo proposed bombing Mecca if the Islamofascist Suicide Terror Monkeys get any funny ideas about nuking American Holy Sites like Dollywood or Disneyland. America's number one “Security Mom,” Mrs. Jolene Fystenbutt, believes that the House Representative's proposal is a tad bit extreme, but she welcomes the debate as an opportunity to put forward her own vision of prosperity for the billions of wrongheaded people who hate our freedoms almost as much as their own funny looking children. Below is an exclusive interview with Mrs. Fystenbutt and her dear friend Mrs. Stella La Chance, the lovely wife of her pastor Fred.

Dissident Voice: Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to talk to DV. You say that your vision of a free and democratic Middle East starts with destroying every mosque (and I quote here): “After all, every single one of them represents an obstacle to prosperity and freedom for the US.” You also say that the US could do more to win the hearts and minds of Muslims if they took the first step in demolishing them all. Could you explain these rather contradictory statements?

Mrs. Jolene Fystenbutt: Certainly. Crumbling old historical relics like mosques stand in the way of progress, which is why I propose that we flatten them all to the ground. The fanatical friends of the Non-Christian faith would be better served if these valuable land assets were used to advance their own economic interests. And as 9/11 so tragically proved, there are 3,000 other reasons why these worthless monuments to an inferior and dangerous religion should be wiped off the face of the earth. But as someone who has accepted Jesus as her personal savior, I am not a vindictive person. The punishment the Lord will inflict upon the world's evil-doers will make the demolition of a few non-churches look like child's play.

DV: Hmmm...Well, some might argue that the wholesale destruction of the world's mosques might just further inflame Muslim hatred for the West.

JF: Well, maybe at first. But once these tragically misled heathenoids realize how their primitive bomb-making factories could be put to much better use as super-sized retail outlets, you can bet they'll come around. Who needs to blow up innocent trains and buses when you have a chance to better yourself through gainful employment in Democrastan's booming service sector. Imagine a world where every Muslim man, woman and child learned to recite “Would you like fries with that, sir”? rather than “Allah Akbar,” and where pert little paper hats -- those symbols of hygienic industriousness -- replaced the silly wrap-around headgear favored by unemployed Islamofascist  Homicide Bombers. I think this can be achieved if we step up our efforts to rid the workplace (and worship place) of bomb-making manuals and replaced them with “The Ten Commandments.” That would be a good first step towards integrating Muslims into the mainstream labor force.

DV: The Ten Commandments? How do they factor in?

JF: Well, as you know, my family has operated a “Brownie's Fried Chicken” franchise for three generations now. We've always used “The Ten Commandments” as a training manual for our...shall we say, less-than-literate employees. And with amazing results, I might add. Rule number one: “Thou shalt not steal.” My Mexican guest workers know that if they dip a single brown finger into the cash register for reasons that have nothing to do with giving the correct change to our valued customers, or if they help themselves to food they didn't pay for, they'll have to answer to Jesus...not to mention my son, Travis “Taser” Fystenbutt, who's just been promoted to assistant manager. We've got our workers so well trained that once, when our prep cook Manuel-Luis opened an artery on the ham slicer and then plunged his gushing, mangled, half severed forearm into a vat of boiling oil that was accidentally left in the sink, he didn't so much as make a sound. You see, just that morning, we had gone over “Thou Shalt Not Take the Lord's Name in Vain.” I told him, “I don't care if your decapitated head rolls off the counter and lands ‘thunk’ under the fryer and stays lodged there face first in a rodent trap, a Brownie's employee never cusses....or tries to sue the company”: Commandment Number Eleven. So you see, what's good for the goose (or the chicken!) is good for the gander. I mean, it would be simply racist to suggest that Iraqis and their ilk couldn't be trained like Mexicans to perform low skill labor in the service and retail sector.

DV: But doesn't your proposal violate the spirit of religious freedom? I mean, how can you seriously justify turning mosques into “Mecca Marts”?

JF: In deference to religious tolerance, these gleaming, neon-lit mega-structures would include “worship rooms” designed to look like the inside of a genie bottle and decorated with Disney copyrighted © Aladdin murals. “Mecca-Mart’s” or “Wahibi-Mart's” more pious shoppers could pray... and get a pedicure at the same time. Sort of an East meets West kind of theme.

DV: You mentioned something earlier about casinos as well. Would you care to elaborate?

JF: Well, imagine if all the money that Muslims traditionally earmarked for terrorist charities like the “United Nations Blow Up The Children Fund” was used instead for gambling. That would solve quite a few problems. It would also mean that some of the existing structures could be preserved and transformed into casinos with a similar “I Dream of Jeannie” theme, complete with camel rides for the kids. With three wives to every man, can you imagine the kind of business luxury brand boutiques like “Victoria's Virtue” would have in such a venue? I believe such a compromise -- preserving some of these onion-domed monstrosities, that is, would go a long way in silencing the communistic, terror-loving bureaucrats of the World Heritage Foundation who might raise their idiotic, pinheaded objections to the demolition of these land hogging monuments to moon worship.

DV: Thank you for your time Mrs. Fystenbutt, and for the Dump Cake recipe.

* * *

After interviewing America's number one “Security Mom,” Mrs. Jolene Fystenbutt, “Anonymous DV interviewer”  (ADVI) sat down for some decaf and Little Debbie pink snowballs with Stella La Chance, the wife of Jolene's pastor, in their hometown of Akron, Ohio.

Stella La Chance: I always hate to disagree with my friend Jolene, but quite frankly (...hehe, I love saying that, almost as much as I like saying “my good friends, The Cheneys”). Seriously, though, I think she's appeasing The Terrorist.

ADVI: “Appeasing?” What in God's name do you mean, Stella? Most people would find Mrs. Fystenbutt's comments to be, well.....pretty out there 

Stella: I mean that Jolene's ideas about integrating the muslamic arabists into our Westernized Christian Civilization would be nice, but I feel that it's a liberal pipedream, because the sand negroes aren't willing to be integrated into anything other than a mushroom cloud or an Abu Grub prison cell, as Miss Lynndie England seems to have understood before she was railroaded by that Graner fellow. Don't get me wrong! I can see why Lynndie fell for him, but a girl's got to keep her head, even when her heart is pulled in the wrong direction.

ADVI: Jolene thinks that we should bomb the mosques and turn them into shopping malls.

Stella: Yes, exactly! She believes that the Global War on Terror can be won through economic sanctions, and that, in my judgment, amounts to appeasement. Jolene, God Bless her!, is a closet liberal. (Forgive me, Jolene, 'cos you're still America's best last hope, plus my shopping bud!) Look at it this way, economic sanctions take time, as the first Gulf War proved, thanks to the corrupt UN's Oil for Food scandal, which only served to enrich that Negro Kofi. And we don't have time, according to the Bible. Let me explain.

Notice that Jolene is focused on the Ten Commandments. But the answer is found in Revelations 16:13: “And I saw three unclean spirits like frogs come out of the mouth of the dragon, and out of the mouth of the beast, and out of the mouth of the false prophet....For they are the spirits of devils, working miracles, which go forth unto the kings of the earth and of the whole world, to gather them to the battle of that great day of God Almighty.”

That means that Jesus is coming back to Israel after the Tribulations, which is explained as nuclear war against the Arabs in Zechariah 14:12: “Now this will be the plague with which the LORD will strike all the peoples who have gone to war against Jerusalem; their flesh will rot while they stand on their feet, and their eyes will rot in their sockets, and their tongue will rot in their mouth.” See what I mean?

ADVI: No, not exactly.

Stella: What all this means is that in order for Jesus to land back in Israel, he needs a landing strip, and nuclear bombs will turn Iran into that landing strip. This has to happen soon because as Mick Jagger explained in “Sympathy for the Devil,” “time is on my side,” meaning the Antichrist can wait for economic sanctions to fail just like Saddam Hussani did before we jerked him out of his spider hole.

ADVI: That reminds me, I gotta go water my spider plant, but thanks so much for your time, Stella. Jolene said to tell you if you're still up for line dancing tonight, to give her a call.

Jolene Fistynbutt is a renowned Christian commentator and self-described “Security Mom.” Mrs. Fistynbutt can be reached at: Stella La Chance is the God-fearing wife of the Honorable Pastor Fred in Akron, Ohio. Mrs. La Chance enjoys cooking food for her husband and 12 children, singing hymns, fighting The Terrorist, surviving The Tribulations and doing her part to hasten The Rapture. She can be reached at: stalladallasx@yahoo.comDissident Voice, in its efforts at “fair and balanced” reporting, is proud to include their token voices to these pages.

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