In honor of Mother's Day, Mrs. Jolene Fystenbutt, Conservative columnist and America's number one “Security Mom” weighs in on “Runaway Bride”, Jennifer Wilbanks, with God's stamp of approval.
As a devoted wife and mother of three perfect children, I believe that “Runaway Bride™”, Jezebel Wilbanks, should meet her maker while strapped to the electric chair or, better yet, twitching from the end of the veil she was meant to be married in. Anyone who demands any less for this renegade bride is no Christian in my book, and should fry right alongside her. Laugh all you want, but these days a broken engagement is not just an affront to our Savior, but a matter of national security. After all, marriage is the foundation of a stable, Christian society, and by allowing women the option not to walk down the aisle after a man has spent six months wining and dining her at “The Olive Garden” while listening to her endlessly prattle on about Wedgewood China patterns, we're sending a message to the terrorists.
As brides-to-be, women must remain as unwavering and steadfast as our Commander-in-Christ George W. Bush in these times of crisis. An engaged woman should consider that ring on her finger a solemn and unbreakable vow that she will uphold the values of the Homeland, and the honor of Christian gentlemen everywhere -- even if a bunch of activist judges interpret the Constitution to define marriage as a Satanic covenant between a gay man and his dog.
Although my own precious daughter's chastity ring is being used as State's evidence in the case against her father, Hammond Fystenbutt III (some silly misunderstanding, I assure you), I am confident that Misty Dawn's pledge to remain faithful to her personal savior in heaven and her own father here on earth until her wedding day has instilled in her a healthy respect for the institution of Holy Man/Woman Matrimony. Recently I have taken it upon myself to home school Misty since the Christian hating-public school she was attending failed to mention in their abstinence program that S-E-X was the number one cause of death and homosexuality among teens.
Really, I don't know why parents shy away approaching the topic of S-E-X with their children. It's really not as hard as you might think. A fragrant blast of “Forest Fresh Glade” in the general vicinity of your child will help “clear the air.” Beyond that, everything you need is spelled out in plain “Olde English” just as Jesus wrote it in the Bible.
After consulting with my pastor, I told Misty that unless she wanted all ten of her fingers (one for each broken commandment) to end up in a bowl of Wendy's chili, she had better not get any funny ideas about “you-know-what.” End of story. (Luckily for me, my beloved husband Hamm was too busy leading his Boy Scout troop during our entire engagement, so temptation never reared its helmeted little head anywhere near my maidenhood until the subject “popped up” several months after our wedding. Since then he has re-pledged his virginity, and I am grateful to this considerate man for the time I don't have to spend cloroxing the sheets.)
If the mother of the “Runaway Bride™” had taken similar steps to cure her daughter of her erotic impulses, you can bet that flip-flopping floozy wouldn't be chained to the walls of her rubber room right now, recounting to her pastor the lurid details of her imaginary capture in feverishly vivid detail. Granted, a ménage-a-trois in Vegas with a gun toting Mexican and his Caucasian whore sounds a lot more exciting than bedding down on your wedding night with Jesus and a chubby Born-Again virgin. But if I have managed in thirteen years of marriage to banish all illicit thoughts of pleasure with a well chosen verse of scripture cunningly stitched on to an adorable little throw pillow, then surely Mizz “Willfulpants” could have amused herself between now and her wedding day without the help of law enforcement and the national media.
Jolene Fistynbutt is a renowned Christian commentator and self-described “Security Mom.” Dissident Voice, in its efforts at “fair and balanced” reporting, is proud to include her token voice to these pages. Mrs. Fistynbutt can be reached at: email@example.com.
Other Deliverances of His Word by Jolene Fystenbutt