White House to Fill Key Posts with Idol Finalists 
by Jolene Fystenbutt
www.dissidentvoice.org
May 1, 2006



 

Faux News Service, Japan Bureau -- President Bush announced this morning that he will replace key members of his administration with some of the finalists (past and present) of American Idol, the popular FOX reality series. With his approval numbers at an all-time low, the President emphasized the need for a “major shakedown” (sic) of his cabinet. He said that he hoped these changes would reflect the “values and aspirations” of the American people. When pressed by reporters, he simply retorted, “I'm an aspirator.”

Sources close to the president have confirmed that Vice President Cheney is expected to step down and be replaced by Taylor Hicks, AI's affable, silver haired crooner, whose "drunk uncle at a wedding" act has been routinely disparaged by Idol judge Simon Cowell. Cowell, who is currently detained at an undisclosed federal detention center on immigration charges, was unavailable for comment.

Musical talents notwithstanding, Condoleezza Rice is also expected to hand in her resignation. Paris Bennett, 17, AI's youngest remaining contestant, is rumored to be replacing her as Secretary of State. Former finalist, Mandisa, the White House's other “compassion” nominee was unable to accept the position, insiders say, owing to her hectic schedule performing as the construction worker, the Indian and the policeman in the recently re-grouped Village People. Critics say that her latest career move was an attempt to reingratiate herself with gay audiences after her controversial comments in the gay magazine The Advocate resulted in her early exit from the show, a charge that the plus-sized singer flatly denies. Insiders close to the larger than life performer say that her familiarity with “The Supremes” would make her the perfect choice to replace White house Council and failed Supreme Court judge nominee, Harriet Meiers if “the Village People thingy doesn't work out.”

Kellie Pickler, last week's eliminated finalist is a shoo-in, some sources say, for the position of Press Secretary. Sources say the Whitehouse is hoping that the popular country warbler will charm the Whitehouse's increasingly hostile press corps with her “Dollywood drawl” and homespun, Hee Haw humor. Another source close to the president predicted that the plucky 19-year-old North Carolina native would have even outspoken veteran White House correspondent Helen Thomas “rolling on the floor like a sexually aroused seal -- just like she did that other old broad,” referring to AI's gushingly uncritical judge, Paula Abdul. "You think Kellie's deliberate mispronunciation of the word “calamari” was a hoot. "You should hear her try to say “Zarqawi”. President Bush reportedly defended his choice of the inexperienced Ms. Pickler for this high profile post by praising her as “a fine vocaler” (sic) before reaffirming that he was "the decider here".

Experts also predict that current Idol finalist Chris Daughtry will take over Donald Rumsfeld's job as Defense Secretary. Sources say the administration is hoping that the bald balladeer, known for his gut wrenching renditions of raised fist rock anthems will use his considerable vocal prowess to “kick Iraq back to the stoner age.” One unnamed military source admitted that Mr. Daughtry's much maligned cover of Creed's “What If” had yielded “promising information” from detainees at undisclosed military facilities when played only once. Mr. Daughtry's spokesman declined to comment when asked how the singer felt about beating Metallica and Christina Aguilera for Best Torture Artist of 2006 by Guantanamo interrogators. His tearful wife admitted, however, that he was “totally stoked.”

AI's “underdog”, Elliot Yamin, is widely expected to replace Alberto Gonzales as Attorney General. In reference to the soulful, snaggle toothed singer's alleged hearing impairment, President Bush is reported to have said, “Not only is Justice blind, but he's also deaf.”

Sources haven't entirely ruled out the possibility that the Bush twins, Jenna and Barbara, will be replaced by perky finalist, Catherine McPhee and recently booted “tween” heart throb, Ace Young. Ms. McPhee's spokeswoman, though, flatly denied rumors that the swoony, dewy-eyed singer was holding out for Laura Bush's job after tabloids reported that the First Lady was stepping down to spend more time cloroxing the floors at Crawford. “She has her own cabinets to clean out,” said her spokeswoman.
 

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