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(DV) Zingh: President Bush Supports Alternative Fuels Research Instead of Conservation







President Bush Supports Alternative Fuels Research
Instead of Conservation

A special report by Zbigniew Zingh
July 7, 2005

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In an effort to dampen consumer and Wall Street fears about skyrocketing oil prices, and to assuage the scientific community's concerns about global warming, President Bush has announced a major new effort to support the research and development of clean, alternative fuels.

As world petroleum prices continue to oscillate around $60/barrel, Mr. Bush told reporters at a hastily called news conference by the pumps of a newly opened CNOOC filling station that “There is absolutely no basis for anyone to be concerned about oil production peaking. I think Americans should continue to drive their cars and golf carts and lawn mowers and run their air conditioners just as much as they like and not worry about anything because there's plenty of oil out there. We just need to figure out whose got it and how to take it from them.”

“Nevertheless,” said Mr. Bush, “we want to show that this administration is sensitive to the needs of the future by funding alternative fuels research that is consistent with our national interests and family values. Now, we're not talking about those tired, old 'liberal' energy alternatives, like wind and solar power, but something really innovative.”

Flanked by Kenneth Lay, the CEO of Exxon/Mobil, Pat Robertson and D. Ryan Upwells, Undersecretary for Fossilized Fuel Thinking at the Department of Energy, Mr. Bush announced a research program budgeted for $2,304.78 annually over the next five years, or approximately what it will likely cost to fill up the average SUV's gas tank eighteen months from now.

These are among the alternative energy sources that the Bush Administration now wants to research:

Faith Based Fuels: These include a handful of "intelligently designed" alternative fuel sources that Mr. Bush wants researchers to study, including Prayer Power, by which a motor vehicle can be motivated purely by fervently gripping the steering wheel, closing one's eyes and believing that the car is moving; and Rapturekenesis, by which the energy of a few thousand Saved Souls being vacuumed out of their automobiles into heaven can be tapped at the pump.

Political Depolymerization: Depolymerization is the process by which complex organic waste material is reduced under pressure and heat into a light crude oil. Since they do not seem to be doing anything worthwhile as the "loyal opposition", many scientists propose that the Democratic Party would be a suitable material for depolymerization -- the party is complex, comprised largely of demogas (a total organic waste product), and the party is easily reducible under the slightest heat or pressure. Researchers once thought that Republican lawmakers would also be an excellent fuel source for depolymerization, but after several futile experiments to obtain something useful from Republicans, it was determined that a) Republican politicians contain too much dirt and too many impurities that cannot be inexpensively distilled, b) depolymerized Republicans tend to be very polluting, and c) it takes more money to lobby for and elect a Republican senator or congressman than the energy return on the depolymerization investment.

Bioweasel: Bioweasel is a high octane fuel source that is refined from various lies, dirty tricks, distortions, and dissimulations. Bioweasel has powered such political types as Karl Rove, Condoleezza Rice, Paul Wolfowitz, John Negroponte, Roger Noriega, Dick Cheney, Tom DeLay and George W. Bush for years. A highly volatile, unreliable fuel that frequently causes geopolitical blowback, bioweasel is difficult to control under normal use without cleaning out your motors with an occasional recall election, criminal indictment or impeachment trial.

Fear Fuel: Franklin Roosevelt assured us in his first inaugural address that we have nothing to fear but fear itself. However, nowadays in the first decade of the 21st Century, Fear is, literally, everywhere: fear of terrorists, fear of crime, fear of new and weird diseases, fear of economic recession, fear of unemployment and loss of benefits, fear of anyone who does not look, talk or dress like an "American", and fear of our own government and "leaders". Scientists believe that the ubiquitous fear that permeates the land is like a huge energy field that can be tapped and refined into usable fuel. Fear fuel already powers the entire Department of Homeland Security, the Defense Department, the FBI, the CIA, the IRS and the Immigration and Naturalization Service. If current trends continue, scientists say, Fear could supply nearly two-thirds of America's energy needs in the coming decades.

Greenspanscintillation: This is a mysterious energy source that researchers have long sought to harness. It has kept the American economy and Big Business running for years with no apparent motive force and despite every indication that the country is running on fumes. Unfortunately, every time we get close to understanding how Greenspanscintillation works, our understanding bursts like a bubble. The Bush Administration believes, nonetheless, that when mixed with large doses of Social Security money, Greenspanscintillation can be used to fuel profits for Wall Street well into the second decade of the century when the next generation of Americans will have to figure out how to pay for the refining process.

Kerobscenity: Although no one is quite sure what kind of energy source this is, like pornography, kerobscenity is easily recognizable when you see it. Like the endless ads on the Internet for Viagra, Ciallis and penile enlargement, kerobscenity seems like the closest thing to the fuel of perpetual motion. Fully 25% of all web commerce currently runs on Kerobscenity, the balance running on "spam" (an equally dirty, very low energy content fuel), blogoil (useful as a fuel for starting fires) and screed (too explosive and uncontrollable to use in internal combustion engines).

Wave Action Energy: No, tapping the energy of the ocean waves would be too simple and intelligent for this Administration. Instead, it wants to research ways to harness the energy of football and baseball fans doing the wave at professional sports events. Researchers think that if they can keep stadium fans throughout the United States doing the wave mindlessly for weeks on end, then they will generate enough electricity to power the city of Cleveland for about fifteen minutes. Unfortunately, the economics of wave action energy do not make sense because the crowds themselves need to be fueled with large doses of incredibly expensive carbohydrates and beer. Furthermore, once the crowd's beer-intake exceeds a certain level and the fifth inning/second quarter, the wave energy function tends to disintegrate into a wobbly, disorganized and entropic mass of stumblebums no more capable of doing the wave than of standing up without falling over. Obviously, more beer study is necessary.

Wind Power: Windmills that generate electricity based on shifts in public opinion polls, sudden gusts of lobbying money and hot jet streams of political speechifying. See, Political Depolymerization, above.

Hydrogen Fool Cells: Actually not a real fool (which can be derived from any of the above sources). Instead it is an ideal form for transporting fools. Hydrogen fool cells are the subject of intense study in the Bush Administration. Already, a fleet of retro Ford Pintos have been fitted with hydrogen fool tanks The Pintos come equipped with bumper stickers depicting the Zeppelin Hindenburg in its final moments of incineration as a warning to following motorists to keep their distance and to avoid fender benders at all costs.

Nucular Foosion: A fool for the future, and will always be. Its advocates are, in fact, die-hard sun worshipers who wish to have a sun-equivalent (or multiple suns) right here on earth. Despite very deep money pits, researchers have not yet been able to contain the hot plasma long enough to power a light bulb. The Bush Administration, nevertheless, believes the money pits just need to be dug a whole lot deeper. Which leads to the proverbial question -- how many nucular fools does it take to turn on a light bulb?

* Care to suggest an alternative energy source for the Bush Administration? Submit alternative clean energy proposals to Subj: Alternative Bush Energy. Indicate whether you want (dis)credit for your proposal (in parenthesis). Sorry -- no rocks, scatology, excessively foul language, lawsuit bait or incitements to violence.

Zbignew Zingh can be reached at This Article is CopyLeft, and free to distribute, reprint, repost, sing at a recital, spray paint, scribble in a toilet stall, etc. to your heart’s content, with proper author citation. Find out more about Copyleft and read other great articles at

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