(DV) Gordon: Evolution and the Space Dog

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Evolution and the Space Dog
by Aaron Michael Gordon
www.dissidentvoice.org
August 12, 2005

Evolution is back, people! Your favorite theory and mine, under attack from creationists. Err, intelligent designers. It’s so piping hot that Time Magazine put the controversy right on the cover. It seems that 25 states have proposed education policy “against” evolution, and some have actually moved forward into quasi-policy, where “you don’t have to do this, but we want you introduce a variety of ways to think about how life originated on earth.” Of course, both sides are up in arms, but I think these intelligent designers are onto something here.

Let’s think about this for a second. If life didn’t evolve from the same amoeba right up all the various branches to man, but is, in fact, the product of some guiding hand … some alternate theory, then let’s go with it. Why not? C’mon! It’s going to be fun, and I can prove it, although that’s not really important to science anymore. Besides, our side has a stake in this fight too: diversity in the classroom.

I mean, it’s not fair to teach the kids just one alternative to evolution. A pelican’s beak could possibly be the result of time and purpose carving the structure into a fish-gathering receptacle. Or maybe . . . just throwing it out there . . . maybe the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost had one too many sniffs off the frankincense at the Holy Bird Factory. Who really knows for sure, anyway? And where does the Koran weigh in on this? How about the Wicca? Or Scientologists? There are so many creation myths . . . oops, alternative theories to evolution, that the students are going to miss out on making “Mitosis cookies” for extra credit.

What about people who are really into the Lord of the Rings Trilogy? Do Middle Earthlings have a say in this? Or Trekkies? Personally, if we’re going this route, I recommend the church of Buffy, where we would look for the Chosen One in every generation. So, on the curriculum, we have Darwin’s view, God’s, Allah’s, Mother Earth’s, Tom Cruise’s, Peter Jackson’s, and Spock’s. And mine. And yours. Why not? Are our ears not as pointy?

Here’s mine and it’s highly qualified. There’s this being that’s beyond our comprehension. We can’t imagine the size compared to us, but for argument’s sake, let’s call “him” the Space Dog. Now, at some point, the Space Dog sheds some refuse. In keeping with our dynamic analogy, let’s refer to this divine gift as the puddle of urine. Now, in that puddle of urine, microbes form and grow, and we understand this as the “universe”. We are merely one tiny part (the “solar system”) of one tiny microbe (“the galaxy”) growing in that festering puddle of piss from the Space Dog. Hey, don’t laugh. Respect my beliefs. And teach them as scientific fact.

Why not? Is the theory involving an all-powerful, invisible being finding the light switch any more viable? In fact, given its age, wouldn’t it be less likely to be true than mine? Did the saints even know what microbes were? How antiquated. That’s why I claimed that Space Dogism is “highly qualified,” because, under the new, improved laws of science, for your theory to be “true,” all you have to do is write it down. It’s just that simple. Just take out a blog and go to town. Soon, your theory will be added to the science curriculum in half of the country’s high schools! You’ll be famous for “Random Theory Number #87215” (although I have to say, you might want to try a catchier name. Space Dogism has really taken off because it just falls off the tongue.)

Clearly, this won’t do. There has to be just one theory that’s true. And it certainly can’t be the one Darwin cooked up with all his scientific observation and genius and all that other pansy shit. It has to be the light switch and the six-day HGTV project. It can’t be the one with the fossil record documenting the changes through the eons. Those fossils? Jesus tiles, honey. Created on the third day.

And yet, here’s the thing: the theory of evolution doesn’t merely apply to science. You can see it in economics, such as the evolution from feudalism eventually into capitalism. We’ve evolved our transportation, trading horses for horsepower. And if the arts hadn’t slowly gathered and combined influences over the eons, we’d all be outside at the amphitheatre, waiting for Antigone to make her entrance. You could even say that the theory of evolution has practical life value. We grow and change from our mistakes in an ever-shifting world. To understand that concept is to be empowered. To understand that growth and change are necessary. If you don’t evolve, you’ll get left behind.

Pretty damn elegant, right? An idea that transcends disciplines. It’s almost religious, and yet, evolution doesn’t require pyrotechnic bushes to make the point. The proof is everywhere. Change and growth are necessary to life. If you don’t change and grow, you’ll die.

Two sentences. No muss, no fuss.

Once you go evolution, you’ll never go back. All the alternatives require a third.

Aaron Michael Gordon is an award-winning advertising writer. Working in South Florida, Aaron has written and produced countless television, radio, print and web-based advertising. In addition, Aaron is a freelance writer and a playwright. You can see some of his other work at jimhillmedia.com, realityblurred.com/exposed and F reezerbox.com, and at various stages throughout the country.