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New Dogs for the New American Century
by Zbignew Zingh
August 24, 2004

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It's a New World Order and America's families deserve new breeds of genetically engineered dogs for the times we live in today.

The Texas Longnosed Bush Dog. This adorable new house pet has some peculiar traits. It tends to eat very expensive dog food made from petroleum and ground up Muslims, and only when fed by hand by extremely wealthy and powerful elites. In fact, this dog hates living in doghouses and prefers to live in the mansions of the rich and powerful. It will lick the hand of any billionaire and bite clean through the hands of the poor and middle class. The Texas Longnosed Bush Dog is considered by some to be a very handsome show dog, although it does have a reputation for being stupid. It is almost impossible to train because it appears not to understand the English language, it has a hard time running in a straight line, its nose tends to grow longer as it ages (hence the name of the animal), and it has a bad temper that causes it to attack other, smaller dogs for no discernible reason. Nevertheless, the Texas Longnosed Bush Dog continues to be popular among certain conservative segments of the pet-owning public who think that it has “character”. This pet is definitely not recommended for households with school-or draft-age children.

The New American Fox Hound. The Fox hound is strictly a pet for homebodies. It abhors going for walks or taking any other exercise and prefers, instead, to stay at home sitting on your couch watching FOX television all day long. The New American Fox Hound is a nervous, frightened little animal that snaps at anything that crosses within its field of vision. Unlike other canines, the Fox Hound does not require annual rabies vaccinations because it already has an innate rabid personality. The New American Fox Hound only tends to play with other Fox Hounds, and it will snarl and lunge at all other breeds of dog, particularly foreign breeds.

The Golden Coulter Collie. This is a lovely unisex dog that, strangely, can only be found at pet stores as a bitch. Many adore this dog for its long, golden fur, its clean lines and its obvious pedigree. The Golden Coulter Collie, however, does have some disconcerting traits like its tendency to loudly and irrationally howl at the moon and its habit of biting people who are not 100% red-blooded American. For people who want to own two dogs, the Golden Coulter Collie and the New American Fox Hound make fine companions.

The Boston Pit Bull Kerrier. This New England bred specialty dog has an ambiguous reputation. Sometimes, the Boston Pit Bull Kerrier acts and barks like a true hunting dog, ready for action and ready to track any prey. At other times, however, the Kerrier looks and acts more like the Texas Longnosed Bush Dog. Often, the Kerrier will spend hours running around in circles chasing its own tail. The Boston Pit Bull Kerrier is also prone to gnaw nervously at its own fur, but only on its left side where it can literally chew its own skin to pulp.

The Ridgeback Ashcroft Attack Dog. Crossbred between an old line of Nazi concentration camp guard dogs and sentry dogs from the Berlin Wall, the Ridgeback Ashcroft Attack Dog is a fearsome animal that will tear smaller animals and people limb from limb with almost no provocation. This dog has extremely long, sharp teeth, powerful jaws and an irritable nature that makes it unsuitable for anything except homeland defense duty. Even then, the Ridgeback Ashcroft Attack Dog has horrible eyesight and it tends to attack friend and foe with equal ferocity. To entertain itself, this breed of dog likes to shred small pieces of paper, like the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. This breed also cannot be walked like most dogs; rather, it prefers that its owner wear the collar and leash and the dog likes to make the human heel.

The English Bliar Spaniel. Dog breeders are not entirely sure whether this is an English or an American dog. The confusion comes from the fact that the Bliar Spaniel barks like an English dog but can only take commands when they are spoken by someone with an American Texas accent. In some dog-fancier communities, the Bliar Spaniel is considered to be a very tony pet. Most kennel-masters realize, however, that this dog is quite cunning and deceptive and prone to dirty tricks. When not watched closely, the Bliar Spaniel maliciously tends to drop little turds around the house and then pretend that it has no idea how they got there. The English Bliar Spaniel was once a working dog suitable for the laboring classes, but the current breed is favored by wealthy bankers and industrialists.

The Toy Populist Poodle. The Toy Populist Poodle is a rare, but charming little dog that plays well with children. Although they bark loudly, the Populist Poodle is mostly known for its peculiar lack of any canine teeth. When it gets angry, the little Populist Poodle tends to gum its antagonist and then roll over and play dead. The Populist Poodle has a strong heart and a brave soul, but it has no hunting or tracking skills whatsoever. Frequently, the Populist Poodle will approach much larger canines and begin whining and whimpering at them; that, in turn, causes the bigger dogs, like Chihuahuas, to eat the Populist Poodles in one bite for lunch. Populist Poodles were last seen at the Democratic Convention in Boston where they were penned up in Free Speech Kennels and then fed to the Big Dogs who ran the show.

The Dick Cheney Short-Hair Doberman. The Dick Cheney Short-Hair Doberman is definitely not your friendly family dog. This dog is so nasty that it as liable to eat your children as protect them. It also exhibits other unpleasant traits such as a tendency to sleep in your bed, chew the cash in your wallet, and dig lots of deep oil well holes in your back yard. In fact, this canine has almost no qualities that would make it a suitable pet for most families. Nevertheless, many people regard the Cheney Short-Hair Doberman as the quintessential Top Dog of the New American Century and its owners enjoy walking around the block with a sharp-fanged canine that looks like it is ready to rip any one else's dog to shreds. This dog cannot be fed ordinary dog food and must be fed a diet of raw, red meat. Similar breeds to the Cheney Short-Hair Doberman include the Karl Rover, the Scooter Libby Miniature Schnauzer and the Condi Rice Rottweiler. All of these peculiar breeds behave like the Cheney Short-Hair Doberman and, in the wild, they often run together in packs, cooperatively hunting and killing their liberal prey.

The Alan Greenspan Dalmatian. The only similarity between this breed of dog and traditional Dalmatians is that both have spots. The spots on the Greenspan Dalmatian, however, frequently change shape and color depending on the economic circumstances. This breed is a favorite of political fire fighters. Whenever the economy is in trouble, the Greenspan Dalmatian can be seen riding to the scene of the conflagration on the fire trucks. Once it arrives at the economic fire scene, however, the Greenspan Dalmatian typically sniffs the air, pretends that there really is no fire and casually walks home to the satisfaction of all ... except the homeowner whose economic house has just burned to the ground. Although the Alan Greenspan Dalmatian frequently barks, those who favor this breed swear that they can never figure out what the dog is trying to tell them.

The Anarchist Pug-nosed Pinscher. The Anarchist Pug-nosed Pinscher is an unusual breed of dog. It has long, black, matted fur and actually enjoys wearing collars and dog chains. Unlike other breeds of this type, the ears of the Anarchist Pug-nosed Pinscher are not cropped, but, rather, pierced with various instruments and devices. This type of dog is not appropriate for suburban living. It prefers to live free and on the streets, or in old abandoned buildings. The Anarchist Pug-nosed Pinscher is a harmless breed of dog, even though it looks wild and mangy. However, it frequently irritates people by peeing on private property and on men wearing suits.

The Sharon Shar-pei. This hairless, rough skinned, wrinkly little dog is much more vicious than its small appearance implies. It is extremely territorial and tends not only to protect its own turf, but to encroach on the turf of neighboring dogs, as well. A curious fact about the Sharon Shar-pei is that although it appears to walk well on a leash, it seems to many that this dog is actually leading its master on the leash, particularly around November at the time of the American elections. The Sharon Shar-pei is not a friendly dog and its bite is substantially worse than its bark.

The All American Sheep Dog. Decades ago, this breed was known for its independent thinking, its intelligence, its self-sufficiency and its overall good nature. After several generations of in-breeding, however, and many years of television behavior management training, the American Sheep Dog has been turned into a rather docile, easily frightened pack animal that, rather than herd sheep, prefers to be herded itself. In fact, the American Sheep Dog is an exceptionally trainable animal that will follow commands from just about anyone with a loud voice. When not being herded, the American Sheep Dog just likes to sleep and watch television. It prefers a diet of fatty, high-cholesterol, high sodium, sugar-sweetened fast food and prefers to be driven, rather than go for walks. The American Sheep Dog, like most canines, used to mark its territory by pissing on the bushes. In its current state of degeneration, however, this dog rather tends to piss on itself. Some dog fanciers believe that the American Sheep Dog is in a steep decline and that it will soon disappear as a distinct and independent breed of dog. Others, more optimistically, believe that the breed is only in an interim stage of development and that after November 2004 it will begin to regain its canine heritage.

Only time will tell.

** Care to contribute your own breed of dog for the New American Century? Submit your contribution to and indicate whether you want (dis)credit for your submission in (parenthesis). Sorry – no scatology, excessively foul language, lawsuit bait or incitements to violence.

Zbignew Zingh can be reached at This Article is CopyLeft, and free to distribute, reprint, repost, sing at a recital, spray paint, scribble in a toilet stall, etc. to your heart’s content, with proper author citation. Find out more about Copyleft and read other great articles at

Other Articles by Zbignew Zingh

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* Dennis, We Hardly Knew You
* The 2004 Political All-Star Game
* George Bush, Destroyer of the Faith
* Zbignew's Inferno
* The Statue of Liberty is Missing
* Monuments To The New American Century
* What Are We Trying To Achieve?
* Bush Administration Relents: American Style Elections Promised for Iraq
* E.U. Researchers Publish Findings of Widespread Mad Cow Infection
* The Declassified Ads

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