Royal Mess: An American Moron Meets the British Dinosaurs

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A Royal Mess
An American Moron Meets the British Dinosaurs
by Jerre Skog
www.dissidentvoice.org
November 20, 2003

Amid security measures the world has never before witnessed -- the most hated dictators of all time could only dream of having their important asses protected by such heavy forces -- the "president" of the US has arrived in London. The reason for this unprecedented security is a mystery. Some think that both the British Foreign Office and the population are scared to death that the president might be assassinated and replaced by the only man who could be worse, Dick Cheney. Some say that Bush's entertainment value is such that he's simply too good to lose. Even if a hit in the head wouldn't damage any vital organs, it would undoubtedly destroy his uncanny resemblance to MAD's supermoron Alfred E. Neuman. Anyway, it couldn't be for the sake of Tony Blair. He could be replaced for a fiver in the nearest pet shop.

Unfortunately it will be a wee bit difficult to celebrate "mission accomplished" in Iraq as planned originally, but shaking hands with the prince of Wales, dining with queen Elizabeth and snoring the night away in Buck House, will have to do as PR-exercise in the meantime. (If Dubya could just manage to make one of the female royals pregnant it would undoubtedly be the re-election coup of the century.) British and American media are hysterical. The "special relationship" is trumpeted from every paper and channel and sane persons wonder what's so special about an unelected president, who hasn't spoken a true line since he told the world that he was "misunderestimated", meeting members of a family whose main contribution to its country is delivering scandals and creating silly and speculative headlines.

Today, Wednesday, Bush gave a speech in front of a select audience (those who nod, applaud and smile) and, since it was a PR-exercise, reading from a paper written by some spin doctor, it was televised. It's difficult to give a coherent account of the speech since regularly rolling on the floor laughing and running to the bathroom being sick to the stomach tend to interrupt the reportive flow. Whatever, it was the same old bullshit that is burped up every time a TV camera is on. The way all the "feel good" -- words were repeated and the description of today's Iraq as a prospering country, assaulted the logic of reality to an amazing degree and never before have "justice, democracy, freedom" and other such words been hauled at us from a person who so little understood or respected their meaning. The final proof, if such is needed, of the president's total disconnection from reality came when he said "the poor need democracy to defend them against corrupt elites" without having a clue that the phrase was perfectly applicable to his own country. After standing ovations Mr. Bush's worrying facial expressions and lip-licking, sometimes close to giggling when on the subject of violent force, were hidden from view when he went down to greet the notables present, among them Jack Straw who took a deep and obedient bow since licking behinds might be considered too humiliating in public.

We can expect, as usual, that the media will not give us much insight into what's really happening behind the closed doors during the rest of Bush's stay and we can dismiss, also as usual, the press briefings as glib PR-comments containing little truth. As a result we have to deduce what will happen from the character and previous behavior of the participants.

It might go something like this:

Any private conversations between the queen and Bush ought to be hilarious and a lot of people would do anything to be privy to them. We can imagine how it will go if Smirk for once tells the truth. They will swap stories of war: Liz telling Bush of her experiences staying in London during the blitz in WWII and Bush revealing how he ran away and hid after 9-11 and how he saw Baghdad from an altitude of 30,000 feet (the British queen has definitely seen more of war and its results than all the members of the combined Bush-administration). Liz will talk about the terrible feeling when hearing the bombs explode in a great city and Bush recounts how he has managed to avoid every funeral of soldiers from his Iraqi forces. When the tea is served they can rubbish their offspring, Bush wondering what's wrong with those addicted daughters of his who refuse to be born again and Liz deploring the whole Charles-Diana-Fergie mess, before turning to other themes and asking her guest about his opinion on the writings of Rabindranath Tagore, resulting in Bush assuring her that the FBI has been alerted and he will soon be caught and dumped at Camp Delta for abetting terrorists.

Then Bush will repeat his Hollywood-western one-liners "we'll hunt them down", "we'll smoke them out", "we'll bring them to justice", and "we'll prevail". I'm sure he would love to use "we'll head 'em off at the pass" too, or even "this town is not big enough for the two of us", but it might not fit in. Then Liz will tell how she was groomed for her royal task during many years of stern upbringing and Bush will brag about how he got a good education but never let it go to his head. Hopefully none of them will embark on explanations of how they made their fortunes. The British people being conned into making the Windsors among the richest in Europe as thanks for some glittering shows of royal wastefulness doesn't go down much better than Bush's Harken adventures and sleazy share-dealings, though it might be on a grander scale.

But they can compare and agree on the importance of being born into the right family!

Later Bush and his minions are scheduled to meet Tony Bliar and his serfs. They will comfort and pep talk each other and Powell will tell Jack Straw to get his act together and Bush will order Tony to be tough on dissidents and come over to the US in some months to boost his (Bush's) re-election chances, the American public not realizing that Tony's friendly smile is caused by stomach gas. Since none of the main characters knows much about anything, the assistants and experts will soon take over discussions and the principals will retreat, lean back and badmouth the French and the Germans.

After talks, that later will be referred to as "warm and friendly", Bush and the female he always drags along will be taken to the airport via a route where demonstrators have been removed, and he will board Air Force One waving arrogantly to his pet hosts and a suspected supporter in the form of a Danish businessman who unexpectedly and unwittingly breached the security cordon in his search for a toilet.

The queen, who, in spite of being a constitutional dinosaur, has integrity and courage, will wash her hands extra carefully and order the room where Bush the Liar slept to be completely renovated!

Jerre Skog is a Swedish writer, musician and independent observer living in Germany. His writings, politics and satire, can be found on www.skog.de and comments are welcome at jerre@skog.de.

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