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Bye-Bye Birdie
by Lindsay M. Levesque
www.dissidentvoice.org
November 20, 2003
First Published in Left Hook

VICE PRESIDENT

Mr. President?

DUBYA

Huh?

VICE PRESIDENT

You wanted to see me, Sir?

DUBYA

Uh. Yeah. I’ve been doing some research here.

(Dubya shows the book.)

DUBYA (Cont’d)

Is it possible Saddam placed the weapons of mass destruction on a flying carpet and hid them in some far off place where we’d never look…like Rhode Island.

VICE PRESIDENT

No, Sir. That’s not possible.

DUBYA

Did we even check Rhode Island?

VICE PRESIDENT

The WMDs are not in Rhode Island, Sir.

DUBYA

Could he have wished - you know, with a genie - to make them invisible?

VICE PRESIDENT

No, Sir. Alladin was not his military advisor.

DUBYA

Hey, I tried. Hoowee! Now, is that all you wanted to see me about?

VICE PRESIDENT

You called me here.

DUBYA

Uh…I know that. I mean, is there anything you would like to see me about that you just hadn’t asked to see me about yet?

VICE PRESIDENT

Well, Sir, I planned to stop by later and tell you that you will need to clear out of the office from twelve-hundred hours to fourteen-hundred hours tomorrow.

(Dubya stares at him blankly.)

VICE PRESIDENT

Noon till two. Lunch and nap time.

DUBYA

Why?

VICE PRESIDENT

Maintenance.

DUBYA

Well, it’s a good thing you told me! I could have left some top-secret stuff lying around and anyone-

VICE PRESIDENT

Who gave you top-secret stuff?

(Dubya is silent.)

VICE PRESIDENT

Mr. President?...Mr. President?

DUBYA

Okay, okay. I don’t have any. But tell me what you’re gonna do in here! I’m the president and this is my office!

(The Vice President stands stoically.)

DUBYA

Please! Please!

VICE PRESIDENT

Fine. I’m taking out the eagle.

DUBYA

What eagle?

VICE PRESIDENT

The bald eagle. On the seal.

DUBYA

An eagle and a seal? Are they your pets?

VICE PRESIDENT

No! No! From the seal. The one on your desk and the big one on your carpet.

DUBYA

The eagle with the arrows and the plant?

VICE PRESIDENT

Olive branch. Right. We have to get rid of that eagle.

DUBYA

But you’re gonna keep the seal? Do you at least have a pool for it to swim in?

VICE PRESIDENT

Sir, I want to take this eagle off this seal and replace it. Think. What do you see when you look at it?

DUBYA

Umm…Piercing eyes…Sharp beak…Alert posture…Large, strong wings…

VICE PRESIDENT

Now, is that the image we really want to convey?

DUBYA

Um…No?

VICE PRESIDENT

Of course not! And what do you think I’m going to replace it with?

DUBYA

Oh! How about one of those African animals? Like a giraffe? I bet Colin knows how to draw one!

VICE PRESIDENT

Lumbricus terrestris.

DUBYA

I don’t speak Asian.

VICE PRESIDENT

A worm.

DUBYA

Ew!

VICE PRESIDENT

I anticipated that reaction sir, but think about it.

(Vice President whips out a rolled up parchment. He tacks it to the wall.)

VICE PRESIDENT (Cont’d)

This is an earthworm. What do you see here?

DUBYA

Um…nothing.

VICE PRESIDENT

You are on fire today, Sir! All that Sesame Street you have been watching must be working out. Yes, nothing. No piercing eyes…or any eyes. It can’t see a burned-out Baghdad. No ears, so it can’t hear whiny people crying “We need jobs.” No heart, so it can just go on selling weapons to Israel for the further annihilation of the Palestinian people. And, best of all, its skin secretes a mucus coating. Nothing sticks to it, so when, say, people start clamoring about imaginary WMDs, and an eagle would have to fly in full view of all the ungrateful accusing people, this happy worm can slip away into the nice safe dirt.

DUBYA

Don’t worms eat dead bodies?

VICE PRESIDENT

And you’ve certainly been no slouch at producing those, Sir!

DUBYA

We’ll be eating like kings!

(Lights down.)

Lindsay M. Levesque is a 21 year-old dramatic writing major and Spanish minor at NYU, and a writer for the new journal for leftist American youth, Left Hook. She can be reached at: lml246@nyu.edu
 

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