The twin specters of racism and sexism have plagued mankind, uh,
humanity since caveman, uh, caveperson days. Just when we
thought we might have to endure another forty or fifty thousand years of
patriarchal white supremacy, along comes the visionaries our planet has
yearned for: Russell Simmons and Benjamin Chavis.
Leaders of the influential Hip-Hop Summit Action Network, Simmons and Chavis have put forth a solution so simple even a cracker, oops, an uneducated white person might understand it. If a word offends you or anyone you know, ban it. (Man, why didn’t Malcolm X and Gloria Steinem think of that?) In particular, our hip-hop heroes are targeting three specific words. I’ll write them now before they’re outlawed: bitch, ho, and nigger (a.k.a. the N-Word). Go ahead, beyotches, yell ’em long and loud now because if society follows the sage advice of Messrs. Simmons and Chavis, the next “ho” out of your mouth might get you a taste of the Don Imus treatment.
“These three words should be considered with the same objections to
obscenity as ‘extreme curse words,’ ” say Simmons and Chavis but, in
fairness, these two philosophers can’t take all the credit. The New York
City Council, in its infinite wisdom, recently conjured up a plan to end
racism as we know it: ban niggers. I mean: ban “nigger.” (My bad.) What
better way for elected officials to spread democracy than to forbid the use
of certain words? “Our internal discussions with industry leaders are not
about censorship,” Simmons and Chavis assure us.
I say, why stop with bitches, ho’s, and niggers? Let’s take this strategy to
its natural conclusion and ban “war” and “poverty” and “rape” and “genocide” and “oppression,” We’ll even ban “global warming” if Al Gore promises to finally shut his redneck mouth (all right, perhaps we’ll ban “redneck,” too). Shit, after only an hour or so of work, the planet will be a goddamned equalitarian paradise and we can all get back to our couches, our flat-screens, and our remote controls.
Of course, it’s not all good news. Like most prophets, Simmons and Chavis are facing resistance. Dog breeders are really bitching, Samuel L. Jackson is petitioning for a “nigga” exemption, and insiders are expecting to hear from lawyers at the North Pole. It appears banning “ho” just might present some copyright issues with a certain fat man in a red suit. Oops, can I still say “fat”?