After being duped by an alleged Taliban negotiator who was actually a member of an Islamic comedy group, the USA suffered another diplomatic setback. Moishe Goldblatt, a deli owner from Brooklyn, New York, posed as an Israeli government official and was able to get a loan of 250 billion dollars from the USA. He said that Israel would refrain from killing Palestinians during the EID, an Islamic celebration at the end of Ramadan. He promised they would not resume brutalizing the Palestinian population until the three days of EID were over. The American government gratefully accepted the offer, made on behalf of the only democracy in the middle east and our closest ally in the entire world, and gave him a personal check for the full amount.
A chagrined White House spokesman said ” We are very embarrassed but we put a stop check through immediately and hope that it will work before this man, who has escaped to Israel where he has impunity from any law, spends it all and ruins several more of our banks. We will definitely check papers and other credentials more carefully in future and this will not happen again.”
Abe Loxman of the American Semitic Society accused the official of blood libel on the Jewish people and warned of a pending pogrom and possible holocaust if America did not immediately exonerate Goldblatt and attack Iran, Yemen, Pakistan, North Korea, China, Russia and a suburban part of Mobile, Alabama.
Citizen Outrage Leads to Replacement of TSA program
Fist fights, stabbings and bombings of x-ray machines have led to the canceling of the frisk, feel up and bombard with x-rays program that had caused such embarrassment and so much cancer. The new program will assure that airplanes are kept free of terror threats and obnoxious patrons but will not be as embarrassing to innocent flyers on their way to family and business meetings in search of financing for rent or mortgage payments.
The new program is the Government Reconnaissance Of Passenger Equipment and does not involve x-rays nor any handling of people’s junk unless they are willing to be pawed at by a GROPE agent. These agents all look like super models and Hollywood stars.
We think passengers won’t mind being felt up if we ask their permission and the groping agent looks hot enough to maybe spend a few hours with in a hotel room. Of course, the grope will only last a moment or so, but passengers will be free to arrange private meetings on their own time if any of our professional gropers are willing.
The first day of airport GROPE tests found a long line of people waiting to be groped, with many not even having airline tickets or intending to go anywhere after they were thoroughly searched for possible bombs that might be hidden in underwear, bras and other crotch and nipple covering garments. Except for the long lines of smiling people waiting to be groped and the long wait caused by folks who really weren’t flying anywhere but were only there to be examined by the very attractive Gropers, the first day was a success.
Republicans, Democrats , Decline to States and even Tea Party members all seemed to agree that this was a government program they could support. One traveler said, “I’m only going to take the bus but I couldn’t resist that babe who looked like Angelina Jolie. I’m going to insist she search my shorts, thoroughly.” And a woman said, “I intend to use public transit to go across town, but when I saw that agent who looked like Denzel Washington, I thought it was worth standing on line for an hour or so to get a chance at having him fondle my, uh, search my bra for, um, you know, weapons or bombs or whatever it is they are looking for.”