Empire Fables: Vladimir Gluten and the Country that Keeps Attacking Itself

A hound and a cat sat on a couch and watched TV.

The hound flipped through the channels with the remote but could only find two mollusks debating how stupid Joe Biden is and the National Weather Service talking about a terrible pestilence sweeping the land.

“Wait!” said the cat. “Let’s see what they named the terrible pestilence.”

“The crawl says they’re calling it the… Victoria Nuland!” said the hound. “Hey, it’s time already for the CIA mockingbird news.”

At this the cat sprang off the couch and got nose to nose with the screen, switching his tail from side to side, as the mockingbird fluttered and chirped away:

“In our continuing exhausting award-winning coverage of Russia’s Hitler-like attack on Ukraine, we sum up the irrefutable truths so far: Russia bombed its own Nord Stream gas pipeline, bombed its own ammonia pipeline, bombed its own journalists in its own cafe, bombed its own Kerch bridge, tortured and killed its own allies and sympathizers in Bucha, attacked the Kremlin with drones, bombed its own troops holding the Zaporizhzhia Nuclear Power Plant and destroyed the Nova Kakhovka dam so Russian defenses and minefields would be washed away and water would be cut off to its soldiers and allies in Crimea.”

The cat turned his head to the hound and said, “Can you believe this shit?”

And the hound answered: “I know! I never saw a country attack itself so much. It’s like it has an auto-immune disorder – like a really bad gluten allergy.”

And that, children, is how Vladimir Gluten got his name.