Dateline May 25. 2026: U.S. and Canada at War!

This is the latest on the fierce military conflict between the US and Canada.

To recap, tensions have been escalating over the past 24 months. Then four weeks ago, the US announced it had irrefutable proof that militant, America-hating militias had joined with the regular military forces of the Canadian Royal Mounted Police, to position a formidable, threatening, highly lethal military presence right on the US border, stretching from Washington State east to Minnesota. Concentrations of troops hunkered in reinforced battlements were also allegedly discovered in southern Ontario and south of Montreal on the border with upstate New York. Secretary of Defense, Chelsea Clinton, stated that this is what prompted the military operation now underway — the mobilization of 250,000 infantry troops, numerous tank and artillery battalions, and full air power support for the invasion.

For months, reports had regularly appeared in major US media outlets — the New York Times, Washington Post, Bloomberg — alleging that over 14,000 US citizens have died since the beginning of last year in the proximity of this conflict zone. It was declared that this was the result of shelling and missile launches by Canadian forces. It was also contended, cities like Detroit had been attacked from artillery and missile emplacements in Windsor, Ontario. The worst carnage reputedly has occurred in Seattle, Washington; Spokane, Idaho; Minot and Grand Forks, North Dakota; even as deep into US territory as Duluth, Minnesota; as long-range 155 mm shells and MSRS missiles were terrorizing populations across the northern states.

Current President of France, Marine LaPen, dismissed these rumors with some sharp language: “This is a joke. A cheap attempt at tugging at the heartstrings of the world community because their country fell apart. 14,000 people killed in North Dakota and Idaho? Right. Why every year 25,000 Americans murder other Americans, over 12,000 with guns. Then another 107,000 of them die from drug overdoses. And we’re supposed to get all weepy-eyed about a few folks who end up on the wrong end of an artillery shell? Merde!”

Of course, finding individuals who hate the US is not difficult these days. After the US crashed the world economy in 2023 by defaulting on its national debt, then replaced the US dollar with JoinCoin, its national digital currency — known among traders as Sh*tCoin — which within 24 hours plunged in value to practically zero, a lot of people across the globe were left holding the bag. A big empty bag.

Then again, Canadians have their own unique set of reasons for hating America. You’ll recall that in July 2024, US Ambassador to the UN, Caitlyn Jenner, was overheard privately calling Canada a “hockey rink posing as a nation.” And later in the year at a celebrity White House dinner, then-president Joe Biden mistook Celine Dion for Vladimir Putin and intentionally dumped his entire bowl of prune pudding on her head. Canadians were outraged!

To be honest, looking back we now realize we should have seen this war coming.

Before the unprovoked invasion of Canada by the US forces, leaks in the mainstream media in America — many believe egged on by foreign NGOs, like NEF (National Endowment for Fascism) — were stirring the pot to prepare the public for the US’ recent brutal aggression. Reports increasingly talked about a Canadian troop build-up on the US/Canada border, the beating of US citizens at a bingo parlor in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. Red-white-and-blue toilet paper was allegedly the rage in Vancouver, British Columbia. None of this was confirmed. The only accurate report was that the most popular TV show in Canada for three years running was a sitcom making fun of US politics called The Jest Wing. Americans didn’t think it was funny. How could they? Americans have no sense of humor.

But those were just previews of coming attractions. It didn’t take long for violence-obsessed warmongers to crank the spigots of intimidation and confrontation wide open. Now it was truly game on!

As Vice-President Kanye West stated: “So the Canucks want to dance, eh? We’ll show them how to dance!”

The Department of Commerce invoked a 30% import tax on Canadian maple syrup. Then the State Department imposed visa requirements for Canadians to cross the border. Only 160 tourist visas would be issued a year. All work visas were canceled. A highly-publicized boycott of Canada Dry ginger ale brought thousands of supporters out in the streets to protest. A Canada Dry bottling plant in Nashville, Tennessee was burned to the ground.

Understandably, we can never forget the tragic April 9, 2025 retaliatory special ops assault by the CIA on a Canadian bacon distribution center in Winnipeg. The ill-conceived operation was embarrassingly a huge failure. All of the attackers were captured, their sunglasses confiscated, and they are now being held as war prisoners at a depleted tar sands facility in Fort McMurray, Alberta. Rumors are that the US is still attempting to arrange a POW exchange, having rounded up and incarcerated the entire Toronto Maple Leafs hockey team after their Stanley Cup victory over the Boston Bruins last June.

So now we’re seeing, with the war in full swing, that the battle for the hearts and minds of citizens across the globe gets even more intense.

President Kamala Harris pulled no punches yesterday on the White House lawn at a ceremony honoring an aerobics team from her hometown of Oakland, California: “Listen, guys. Canadians are a bunch of filthy, ignorant, white supremacists. I mean like, have you ever seen a Canadian with a tan? America’s gonnal kick their butts and show everyone out there who’s boss!”

Granted, when former president Donald Trump was asked for comment, he was visibly impatient: “Listen. I’m in the thick a huge legal battle. My vaccine passport has been revoked. Now I can’t even get into the strip club I opened in Orlando.” Even so, Trump, Barack Obama, and his former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, have co-authored a new book called, The Audacity of Grope: It Takes a Pillage to Raze a Nation. In this inspiring polemic, which highlights the beauty of democracy, the infinite potential offered individuals by the American Dream, and heaps praise on the US as a society built on diversity and the highest moral values, they reassure us — with warmth, candor, and an abundance of aw-shucks knee-slappers — that anything is possible if you’re ruthless and cunning, and can crack cool one-liners with or without a teleprompter.

No one knows with certainty how this horrible war will ultimately turn out. There’s a lot of back and forth on the battlefield and in the media. Each side is claiming enormous successes and ultimate victory, accusing the other of lying to the world about what’s really going on. Reports from the battlefield are a tsunami of mixed messages.

But we do know this . . .

Canadian troops are weary and running out of ammunition and supplies. 2000 fighters comprised of hard-core, French-speaking, America-hating storm-troopers, called the Chez Off Battalion, are surrounded and pinned-down in a croissant factory outside of Montreal. They refuse to surrender and are using young school girls and 23 members of a wine-tasting club as human shields. The UN and Human Rights Watch have condemned the hostage-taking as a war crime.

On the other hand, US troops have been disoriented by the sheer boredom of the Canadian countryside. One extremely well-equipped tank regiment got lost when their commander held a map upside down and over 120 tanks going the wrong direction made it all the way to Salt Lake City, Utah before the error was discovered. Another artillery company destroyed itself when it read target coordinates incorrectly and unleashed a barrage of high-yield cluster munitions straight up. Like they say: war is messy.

One thing is for sure: The world will never be the same. The vast majority of countries have condemned the US for its savagery and unprovoked aggression. The G-5 (currently Russia, China, Cuba, Iran, and Venezuela) is imposing new sanctions on American persons and businesses every day. The only airport which will accept flights by US airline companies is on Baltra in the Galapagos Islands. Imports of American products by foreign countries have stayed the same, but that’s because the US doesn’t make anything. Gruesome evidence of war crimes by the US military appears on television every day 24/7 across the globe. Everything American is being canceled and deleted. Tragically, this has produced such a social and cultural gulf between the US and the rest of the world, it may never ever be bridged.

This has predictably left US citizens haunted by a question that will probably never be answered . . .

“Why are we being vilified for just defending ourselves against barbaric hordes of America-haters from a neighboring country?”

John Rachel has a B.A. in Philosophy, has traveled extensively, is a songwriter, music producer, neo-Marxist, and a bipolar humanist. He has written eight novels and three political non-fiction books. His most recent polemic is The Peace Dividend: The Most Controversial Proposal in the History of the World. His political articles have appeared at many alternative media outlets. He is now somewhat rooted in a small traditional farming village in Japan near Osaka, where he proudly tends his small but promising vegetable garden. Scribo ergo sum. Read other articles by John, or visit John's website.