Overheard Fatherly Advice Given To Two (Under 10 Year Old) Children

(at a bus stop on the edge of a Council Estate, 10:45 on a wet, Winter, Monday morning)

“… right then, the bus’ll be here shortly,
here’s a Mars bar to share between you.
Amy, spit on your sleeve-cuff
and wipe your brother’s face down a bit.
Now, let’s get all serious a minute, is it,
we can’t afford baccy, cider and food
… and if you want me to snatch-back
your Mother from Scottish Ian’s clutches,
I’m gonna have to speculate to accumulate
… fuck sake, Ben, what wrong with you?
what have I told you about ‘Questions’…
my bastard head’s banging, pipe-down.
The pair of you need to get in them shops
and use your God-given hands, alright…
and ‘You’, listen to your fucking sister,
she can read, nothing needing cooking
… no poxy pies or microwavable dinners,
no matter how nice the pretty pictures look.
Remember, you’re eating it out on the trot,
as you’re working those store-shelves…
don’t head to the Park it’s full of ‘Eyes’,
there’s nonce bible-bashers in the cafes
which dot along the front and side street
… and that Dickabodie’s been seen about
(aye, Amy, the one your Aunty Pat scalded)
looking for the teenagers glue-sniffers
who’ve been hanging-out up the back of it.
Here’s your tickets, stay safe and be lucky
… Heddlu ain’t your friends, seriously,
if you get separated, or lost, or anything,
ask someone who’s obviously homeless,
only approach one’s seated or laying down
… and always stay outta grabbing reach,
I’ll see ya later, I’m off to half-inch a knife
… oh, and if either one of you comes home
without a coat, I’ll fucking batter both of you.”

  • Dickabodie is South Wales Council Estate Slang for School Truancy Officer
Paul Tristram is a widely published Welsh writer, who’s currently up to his elbows in Magic, and long may it remain this way. Read other articles by Paul, or visit Paul's website.