The Knight Templar Of Homeless Camp #6

For Christ Sake! Will you just shut up with all that
“Mark Me, Sir,
I Shall Smite Thee And Ye Down
Whomsoever Disturbs The Blessed Slumber
Of The South River Free Folk,
Upon My Noble Honour”
It’s you who’s disturbing us,
you raving nutjob.
I’ve got piles and concrete rashes
upon parts of me
grimy and aching anatomy
which you’re not even supposed to know
are even there…
from begging all day,
and I need me beauty sleep.
You’re lucky that Big Dave’s
doing a fortnight in Jail for non-payment
or you’d get clobbered again.
-I know, Sally,
I’m in the middle of telling him, innit-
I’m losing my sodding mind yuh,
I swear to God,
I’ve got a hangover already
and the owls are still a-hooting.
And stop waving that wooden broom handle
sword about the place
or you’ll have another clothesline down.
Look, we know you’ve got a heart of gold,
but enough is enough, yeah,
how about you quit the Battlefield,
become a Wizard, or a Druid, and silently-
massively strong emphasis on the ‘Silently’ bit-
cast magical spells of protection all over us instead?

Paul Tristram is a widely published Welsh writer, who’s currently up to his elbows in Magic, and long may it remain this way. Read other articles by Paul, or visit Paul's website.