The Pied Piper of Shenanigonia: A Tale of Guns and Rats

Once upon a time, on the banks of a great river in the north of our world there lay a land called Shenanigonia.  The citizens of Shenanigonia were honest folk who lived in peace in their stone houses.  The years went by and everyone prospered and lived healthy lives.  Then one day, an extraordinary thing happened to disturb the peace.  Shenanigonia had always had guns, plenty to tell the truth, but the people had never felt they were in danger.  Why?  Well, of course, because the elders had always solved the gun problem in the usual way — by regulating them.  Suddenly the guns had begun to multiply. In the end the wave of guns swarmed over the whole land unleashing an epidemic of death and destruction.  The terrified citizens hoping to free themselves from the plague of violence joined together in gun control defense committees.

Meanwhile on the other side of the land of Shenanigonia, in the town of Corruptina, The National Gun Association, known by the common folk as the N.G.A., was holding a meeting of the Board of Directors.  The president said, “These gun control committees are multiplying like rats we must come up with a plan.”  Just then there was a loud knock on the door of the N.G.A.  The door was opened and there stood a tall thin man dressed in brightly colored clothes, with a long feather in his hat, and waving a gold pipe at them. He then spoke in a thunderous voice, “I’ve freed other lands from gun control organizations and for $10 million in gold, I’ll rid you of yours.”  “$10 million!” exclaimed the Board of Directors, “We will give you $1 million only if you succeed”. At once the stranger hurried away saying: “It’s late now, but by dawn tomorrow, there won’t be any gun control organizations left in Shenanigonia.”

The sun was still well below the horizon when the sound of a pipe wafted through the streets of the land.  The piper made his way through the streets and as he passed the gun control offices and their banks they all vanished into thin air.  By the time the sun was high in the sky there was not a single gun control organization left in the land.  There was a great celebration taking place at the headquarters of the N.G.A.   When the piper came to claim his reward, the N.G.A president exclaimed: “$10 million in gold? Never!”

“Give me at least $1 million in gold” cried the pied piper angrily.

The President screamed back: “The gun controllers are all out of business now, so be grateful for $100,000, or you’ll not get even that amount…”

His eyes filled blood red with rage, the pied piper pointed a finger at the president of the N.G.A. and said: “You will bitterly regret ever breaking your promise,” and then he vanished. A shiver of fear ran through the room, but the President said: “Don’t worry; we have saved over $9 million.”

That night, freed from the gun controllers, the N.G.A. Board of Directors slept soundly with their favorite pistol tucked under their pillows.  At dawn the strange sound of piping was heard only by some.  Drawn as if by magic, they came into the streets: the N.G.A. Board of Directors, their lobbyists, firearms industry and corporate backers all flocked at his heals to the sound of his strange piping.  The long procession soon left the town and made its way through the woods and across the forest until it reached the Washingtonian Obeliskic Monumentous. When the piper arrived at the foot of the Monumentous he played the pipe even louder still and a huge door slowly opened. In trouped the piper with everyone behind him and then the door slammed shut.  A few moments later the Obeliskic Monumentous shot up into the sky like a bullet and just as it disappeared into space the sky exploded in brilliant colors of red, white and blue.

Dr. Nayvin Gordon is a Family Physician in California who has written many articles on Health and Politics. He can be reached at Read other articles by Nayvin.