Loretta and Bill Discuss the Grandchildren

Bill Clinton waits in his plane on the Phoenix tarmac for over half an hour until Loretta Lynch lands. He quickly gets off his plane and goes over to Loretta Lynch’s jet. She greets him.

Bill (whispering): Loretta, they may have bugged your plane. Let’s use a simple code. I will call the FBI team working on the indictment, “your grandchildren.” And I will call Hill’s campaign “my second grandchild.”

Loretta nods in agreement and gives him a wink. They enter Lynch’s plane and sit down.

Bill: Nice to see you, Loretta. You certainly have come a long way since I appointed you as a Federal Attorney way back in 1999. You deserve everything you have come by. I do not ever want you to feel indebted to me. And I am delighted that nothing embarrassing came up when you were confirmed as US Attorney General.

Loretta: Bill, you have not changed a bit.

Bill: I understand your grandchildren have been running wild these days. Are you still having trouble reining them in?

Loretta: They have proven more difficult than I thought. They are at the stage where they keep getting into things, and I have my hands full keeping them where they ought to be. You know how it is.

Bill: Loretta, I know how it is. But let me give you some advice. I know how to calm them down. I think you should send your grandchildren on a long vacation – until mid November. That will keep them from getting into things.

Loretta: Bill, that will be very difficult. The President has developed a fondness for my grandchildren and their antics. You can understand that after the treatment he got by you in the 2008 primaries. Racist is what he calls it – and I certainly can appreciate that, you know. And he is equally fond of Joe Biden. So that vacation will be very, very difficult to arrange.

Bill: Did I ever tell you that we also did some investigation when you were up for confirmation as US Attorney General? When you were set to replace Eric Holder, we took a great interest in your career — as we always have. We thought we could help you out if the occasion arose. We found some very interesting material. Trivial — no matter how it might look in a court of law.

Loretta: Bill, why no. You never mentioned that before. You have not changed a bit.

Bill: OK, then I am sure that you can send your grandchildren on that long vacation.

And one other thing. I understand that your grandchildren have written some nice compositions for you — in the form of questions. Send me copies of the questions by this evening if you do not mind.

Loretta: Not at all Bill. I will send you the questions that the little darlings have drawn up. And after that, off they go on vacation!

Bill: That’s great. I know how difficult the grandkids can be. My second grandchild has turned into an unholy hell. We never bargained for what has come our way. The grandchild is just not like other children. We call him the orange and blond monster. He has morphed into a real problem kid. He is exhausting us.

Loretta: I know how you feel Bill. Now please get off my plane.

Bill: Bye, Loretta.

John V. Walsh can be reached at john.endwar@gmail.com. He writes about issues of war, peace and empire, and about health care, for Antiwar.com, Consortium News, Dissident Voice.org and other outlets. Now living in the East Bay, he was until recently Professor of Physiology and Cellular Neuroscience at a Massachusetts Medical School. He can be reached at Read other articles by John V..