Neo-Slavery: Is It The Right Option For You?

Hello, fellow citizens!!

I’m VERY excited to present a special offer. For a limited time only we will have exclusive deals which could create a secure financial future for your entire family. In today’s topsy-turvy world one never knows what lies in hand and how many lie in the bush. It’s a world of fear and insecurity. Each day there is more tragic news, and extremists everywhere are out to get you, as you’ll notice how much scarier the situation with ISIS gets with each passing day, and we wouldn’t at all be overstating the threat, nor did we do anything to bring on such an attack. These people simply hate our freedom and want to make your children all explody. With such threats in the world it’s time to admit you need peace of mind and ample security, which we will happily provide with some small concessions you’ll barely even notice are gone in time. By simply donating a bit over half of your best waking hours we can give you the safe secure life you and your loved ones deserve.

That’s why I’m here to sell you on, and into, slavery! Now I know what you’re thinking — isn’t slavery about beating shirtless young ripped black men into working for you for free? Well, my friend, that was old slavery, but neo-slavery has come a long way and it’s not just brutal treatment and bigoted sadist fantasy anymore. You may feel apprehensive about bending a knee to authoritative force that could fire you quickly and leave you panhandling on the street.  Well, don’t worry. We have taxes that ensure if you’re fired, you’ll be able to get our special plans that’ll allow you to keep subsisting on this planet, and while you may not be treated like a top level slave anymore, you’ll at least be able to eat. Yes, you’ll probably be shamed by the owners when you ask for a handout, but keep in mind we’re really just looking out for you to make sure you don’t get addicted to our benevolence and we just want you to be the best slave you can be.

Gone are the cumbersome chains and the annoying scarring whippings. You see it’s all about security and stability. You want it, and, well, frankly, I can give you that peace of mind and security. Why take risks with unknown unknowns? Just find a great place in our worker army and you’ll be happy as a boiled clam, I promise.

Your slavery options may vary depending on how commodifiable you are to us. You should, of course, attempt to be a good asset to us by spending years at our institutions training and working diligently through our curriculum you’ll probably never need on the job, but you’ll increase GDP by going deep into debt obtaining training for your new slavery job, and it’s well worth it when that money trickles right back to you in time. After your brief 4 year minimum of debt inducing training you’ll be primed to beg for an application so you too can contribute your maximum potential to our neo-slave system. Over time we may even afford you an extra week of vacation. That’s right!  We now offer EXCITING vacation packages after only a few years in our neo-slave service!

The perks don’t end there.  If you’ve made yourself a worthy candidate, then you might receive a high price from our human resources department, and you may qualify for our luxury slave package! In our luxury slave package you’ll qualify for credit where you can pay several times the price for purchase, but can you imagine driving around in a luxury car, or living in a house with more square footage than you can rightly afford? With our abundance of credit options we can make sure you’re the envy of all the other slaves.

The more you worship our materialistic shit the greater your status as a slave will rise. The other neo-slaves will be rightly impressed, and perhaps slaves of the opposite sex may even find you attractive. With our premier neo-slave package we’ll put you on our slave creation plan where you’ll proudly be able to excrete another slave that looks and acts just like you. Imagine your very own mini neo-slave with your very own noble DNA.

The color of your skin will probably also determine how commodifiable you are as I’m afraid neo-slavery hasn’t changed that part of the slavery dictum much. We’ll also judge your worth based on the geographical location from what side of an imaginary line your dear sweet mother shot you out of her slave creation vagina cannon. I’m unsure if it counts what side of line she was technically on when firing, or where you landed after being propelled out the vagina cannon. However, we can assess your true slave value upon subscription to our neo-slave service.

We know you might still have reservations about your commitment to neo-slavery. You might be saying to yourself, isn’t anything with the word slavery still a bad thing? And I know slavery has had a slightly negative connotation in the past, you know with the whole fighting of wars and hyperbolic slave dramas you see on TV, but those issues have been corrected. No more open slave markets, and we usually let you go home at night, but you’ll have to stay near a phone, and check your email;0 otherwise you may face repercussions and be rejected from our more exclusive slave programs.

It’s up to you how far neo-slavery can take you. Keep in mind our slavery is largely a meritocracy, measuring reward with how much of an earner you are and how obsequiously you capitulate to our demands. We don’t like slaves that rock the slave boats. We need smiling slaves that will tell us how EXCITED they are for our AMAZING OPPORTUNITIES!! We merely expect you to be efficient and exhibit good slave qualities like multitasking, and being eager to learn new skills, so you take on more responsibility for little or no reward and eventually do the work of several slaves at once. All a small price to pay for such reassuring peace of mind. So forget the hyperbolic rhetoric surrounding old slavery, neo-slavery offers a world of fun new opportunities and an exciting way to make a contribution to our neo-slave society. Sign up TODAY!!

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