Pentagon Funds Cutting Edge Aquatic Terrain System (ATS)

Pilot Program will Begin in US Pacific Command

In an exclusive interview with General Joseph Dunford, likely to be Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff on 1 October 2015, he discussed the Pentagon’s newest and boldest program: The Aquatic Terrain System (ATS).

Look. With a successful ATS we could joint-operate with Black Sea Sprat and F-&^% with Russia’s Black Sea Fleet. But first we have to understand the way they operate and what they want in return for working with us. It’s a plus-plus situation. That same logic applies wherever there is water. Did you know that 70 percent of the Earth is water? I’m going to push Northern Command to get going with ATS with a focus on the Great Lakes and the Mississippi. The Longnose Sucker, for example, is a real force multiplier, you know. We can work with them here and in Russia. And who doesn’t know about Catfish in the Mississippi? We’ll get it going in Pacific Command because there is a lot of water out there and a lot of different cultures. Imagine if we had this going full steam ahead in the Indian Ocean. We’d have found that Malaysian airliner by now. There is so much good that will come out of this. We are thinking a Marine Corps three-ocean-war kind of thing, like the land base three-block-war. You know, we’ve got to stop killing off all the marine species…We can’t achieve full spectrum dominance without them.

According to Pentagon officials, the Aquatic Terrain System has been “stood-up” with an initial funding base of $70 billion. Lessons learned during the US Army’s land-based Human Terrain System (LBHTS), a program valued at nearly $1 billion (deemed a stunning success by independent auditors like Horowitz, Dearing, Lee and Metz) will provide “lessons-learned, baseline, jump off points, sort of like a diving board for the ATS, so that we don’t have to have catastrophic growing pains until success is created, because we saw what went on with LBHTS” said one unnamed official in SECDEF Ashton Carter’s office who did not want to be quoted for this piece due to the sensitivity of the matter. When asked to clarify the statement, the Pentagon official said “it speaks for itself.”

A US Army Civil Affairs official, speaking way off the record, was asked to comment on the ATS. He stated:

F-&^%! the ATS and F-*&^%! the LBHTS. All that F-*&^#$@! cash should have come our way. Our people could be trained to do that stuff and, besides, we’ve got a long history dealing with other cultures dating back to WWII. SOF doesn’t need a F-*&^^% new tool, they’ve got it in us. We just need to be sharpened up a bit for the specific tasks. Dealing with marine life as a cultural paradigm? Are you F-^%%$ kidding me? Well, orders are orders I guess. The same kind of people that wanted to test a nuke on the moon during the Cold War are back….S-#@#! They never left. Here…Here is an image for you: All those F-&^^%$! Academics and Contractors that suck onto this thing are like those, what? Those fish that suck on sharks. WTF!!! And some of them liken themselves to Vietnam Vets! I think I’ll go to Crimea!!!

“Think about how critical ATS is to the security of the United States,” said an official with knowledge of the program who holds two PhD’s and once worked in a LBHTS reach-back center in the basement of a church in Ellis, Kansas. The double-plus PhD, in an off-the-record interview, who now bills hourly to Front Page Magazine and the National Defense University, and claims he will play a key role in ATS, said in an interview conducted on a bleached picnic table on an arid, windy day in the cozy community:

Almost 70 percent of the Earth is water. Did you know that? Thanks to LBHTS in Afghanistan and Iraq and Africa, we’ve got a pretty good idea about how to infiltrate groups and coerce stinky men, women and children into giving up the identities and locations of bad people. If that doesn’t work we just bribe them with US dollars. Anyway, we are going to apply the same methodologies to the indigenous cultures and inhabitants of the world’s oceans, lakes and rivers of the world.

According to unnamed sources in the Office of Management and Budget (OMB), the funding for ATS will also come from the National Oceanic and Space Administration (NOAA), the National Security Agency (NSA), the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), the National Reconnaissance Office (NRO), and the newly established Clinton-Bush Foundation (CBF). “Austerity has been a real blessing for ATS,” said an accountant with OMB, “We’ve been able to use savings on federal programs that were used to support unemployed and impoverished Americans for ATS. I mean, that sounds kind of bad, but think about it: If we don’t understand and secure the aquatic environment, those out of work and starving would lose their freedom of choice and could be killed in an attack.”

ATS has the support of members of the Research Universities Futures Consortium (RUFC) whose website states, “Collectively the universities of the Consortium have annual research expenditures of more than $11 billion which includes external grants and contracts as well as self-funded research, and educates thousands of students in all fields.” A representative of one of the universities stated that of the 29 top American research universities, all 29 are shifting their priorities to oceanography and marine biology. The anonymous representative went on:

The next president is going to roll out the whole-of-government, whole-of-society Fish Analysis and Counter-Terrorism strategy (FACT). We will be working with our Mammalian Allies in the Ocean (MAO) to more effectively utilize the aquatic identify-kill-pacify chain (AQIKPC). We finally were able to stand-up an acronym in honor of Chairman Mao—MAO—that really defines what we are trying to do here.

On a gray, damp, misty day aboard a NOAA vessel, rolling to and fro–and bobbing up and down–on the distressed Atlantic Ocean, a NOAA official and I sat comfortably inside the crew lounge discussing ATS. She was candid.

Look, the Pentagon has all the cash. They are not accountable no matter how much cash goes down the tubes. And besides, there is no such thing as taxpayer money, it is all printed, fiat #$%^. NOAA will play this ATS card to get as much cash as it can. Half of our money goes to fund spy ships that track Chinese and Russian vessels. If we can get some cash to do some actual marine biology, we are all for it. There is a lot of water out here and, well, this FACT **&&^%$# may have something to it. If a Corporation can be a person, why not a Fish? They have cultures too. I’m not talking about our mammal friends, we already have got them on our side. It’s the coral, sharks, sting rays and even mollusks that we’ve got to understand.

ATS, like LBHTS, has its detractors though they are hard to find. Even so, two academics, one from the West Coast and one from the East Coast of the United States spoke on condition of anonymity as they are employed by two of the 29 research universities identified above and feared reprisals from university administrators beholden to federal funding. The two academics are part of a structure that is viewed by Horowitz, Dearing, Lee and Metz as “left wing” Marxist, communist hippies who don’t like the military and, in particular, LBHTS and, now ATS.

“Come on!” said one of the academics incredulously. “The aquatic human terrain? Lessons learned from the LBHTS? It is insane but here we are I guess. How can you argue against $70 billion? It’s LBHTS all over again! And now I hear from insiders that there is a new professional association being created to siphon off pro-torture and pro-ATS, LBHTS people from the anthropology and psychological associations like APA and AAA. My sources tell me the money is going to come from the Pentagon and be funneled through the Clinton Bush Foundation. It sounds unethical but what else are non-profits for? The new association is supposedly going to be named Aquatic Land Terrain System Association. On the practical side, I guess it does make sense in terms of national security and the social sciences, and what-not.”

Asked for clarification, the other academic said, “If you had a PhD in anthropology and done field work you’d understand exactly what I’m saying. If you haven’t studied it and been there you just can’t understand.”

When indicating to the academic from the East Coast that this is the same condescending argument used by the military from its God-blessed perch to brush off pesky inquiry that challenges, the academic replied, “No it isn’t! And besides, who is going to listen to you, you are just some blogger.”

John can be reached at He published a book in 2019 titled Cancer for Jokers, an irreverent, black humor based look at his first cancer diagnosis. Read other articles by John.