The Patagonian Toothfish…!

(Dissostichus eleginoides)

Author’s Note: The British Government spent £400,000 over 10 years unsuccessfully resisting the Guardian newspaper’s ‘Freedom of Information’ request for copies of the ‘Black Spider memos’ of Prince Charles.

CLARENCE HOUSE                             April 1st, 1984.
Balls Pond Road
London N.1

My Dear Prime Minister,
The Patagonian Toothfish,
To strike a solemn note;
Is as a species having,
A job to stay afloat.
Because illegal fishing,
Is causing quite a loss;
And Mummy’s therefore worried,
For the poor Albatross!
And as you know, Dear P.M.,
When she’s not too engrossed;
Her Majesty likes Toothfish,
Upon her morning toast.

Camilla too, was saddened,
That last year’s Badger Cull;
Did not kill many of them,
And thus was awfully dull.
It’s true my Duchy cattle,1
Did not get Bovine Flu;
But I’m your King-in-waiting,
So do what you must do!

And if you fail to heed me,
l warn you, my old cock;2
Cock-up and it’s no knighthood,3
And your head’s on the block.
So any future trouble,
With your bloody shower;
You’ll all be out of office,
Inside the Bloody Tower!4

Yours, etc., Charles

  1. Prince Charles personally owns the Duchy of Cornwall. []
  2. Old cock: An old pal. Sometimes used to confront a stranger who isn’t a pal. []
  3. Cock-up: A SNAFU. []
  4. Bloody Tower: Part of the Tower of London once used to imprison, torture and murder. Limey version of Guantanamo. []
Richard is a poet and amateur blues harmonica player who lives in the seaside town of Clacton on England's east coast. He's had approximately 70 poems published in England and Wales as well as a number of articles. He can be reached at: richard-layton@zen.co.uk. Read other articles by Richard.