WWID (What Would Israel Do?)

A New Approach to Living Like a Fanatic

I’ve been applying a new strategy in my life. Quite successfully, as a matter of fact. I wanted to share it with you. I call it WWID, or “What Would Israel Do?” This question has a way of crystalizing all of my actions through a white-hot lens of fanaticism. Choices become simpler. Life becomes easier. I brim with purpose. Let me explain.

Yesterday, I was in line at McDonald’s. There was some confusion, as always, as to whether there was one line or three. So a guy walks in, proceeds right to the counter and is served. I had already been waiting five minutes. So I asked myself, WWID? About two seconds later I lifted the man in the air (he was fortunately a small Asian) and hurled him over the counter into the fry vats. As the man’s blood-curdling cries began to register, a melee ensued. Which was just what I wanted. In the chaos, I stepped behind the counter and bagged a handful of Big Macs, fries and apple pies. Poured myself a Diet Coke as they were hauling the guy out of the crisper, and walked out. Had a nice meal in the park.

On a date the next night, the girl I’ve been seeing for years made a snide remark at my expense. This was just as we were digging into the tiramisu and rice pudding and sipping our dessert liquors. I didn’t like her tone or her words. She had been insisting all night that I recognize her as my equal. Kept citing legal precedents and global opinion—both of which are meaningless to me. Well, I asked myself, WWID? About a second later I grabbed the soupy pudding and dumped it in her lap. Then I poured my aperitif on her head and—like a third-rate magician—yanked the tablecloth from the tabletop, which deposited everything on the floor. As the breaking glass and clattering silverware created a restaurant-wide panic—which is just what I wanted—I ransacked the nearest register and slipped out the back.

Lastly, at work today a co-worker I’ve known for years asked me if he might use one of the empty drawers in the file cabinet that sits between our desks. I leaned back in my chair and asked myself, WWID? An instant later I leapt up and began stuffing the empty drawer with all of my own papers and files. Just crammed in as much as humanly possible. As the commotion caused a crowd to gather and buzz with incredulity, some of my co-workers, including my boss (who hates my colleague because he’s black), even started cheering me on. I can always count on his support—it emboldens me. So I grabbed my co-worker’s own filing cabinet, emptied it onto the floor, and began stuffing more of my files into his drawers until they were full of my important documents. Finally, I took the nearest wastepaper basket, and in an elaborate gesture of decency, stuffed all of his files into the trashcan before lighting them on fire. As the flames caused chaos—which is just what I wanted—I grabbed a few unattended laptops and left by a side door.

So you can see how one little question can literally change your life. Since I started using this technique, I’ve lost my job, all my friends, and am wanted by the police. But—I have acquired a lot of cool property, and that’s all I really give a damn about. Try it yourself sometime. You’ll be amazed by the results.

Jason Hirthler is a writer, political commentator, and veteran of the communications industry. He has written for many political communities. He is the recent author of Imperial Fictions, a collection of essays from between 2015-2017. He lives in New York City and can be reached at jasonhirthler@gmail.com. Read other articles by Jason.