Free Radicals Must Die

Communiques by medical personnel and embedded leukocyte operatives confirmed what I had for weeks suspected and decades feared: Free Radicals have invaded my body.

I had greatly underestimated my adversary’s evil cunning: Introduce radicals into the region, have them infiltrate local organs of power — my spleen fell hard as Cuba; and as in that scourge of Main Street, Miami, the free radicals spread myths about their alleged heroic deeds and the evils of The System, converting millions in the pancreas and liver, reaching as far north as the lungs. Despite cession of the spleen to rebel insurgents as a “good faith gesture,” Free Radicals continue to agitate and simply refuse, beyond all reasoning and common sense, to cease and desist from dealing illegal enzymes in support of terrorist activity. They have openly flouted  Body of Octavius Slavnuk Spaeiouk (BOSS) demands, and will in all likelihood continue to do so until pacified and disbursed.

Hence, I was forced to issue the following internal memorandum, so internal that it was known, in its full scope and implication, only to clusters of cells scattered about the quarantined, afflicted region:

The Body of Octavius Slavnuk Spaeiouk (BOSS) is now under Martial Law and will remain so until victory is achieved and the Free Radicals subdued.  Eliminated. Gone.  Every healthy cell is subject to serve in the Spaeiouk Internal Defense Network Enlisting You (SIDNEY) under command of  General Rufus Cranium, Chief of Staff, BOSS Multicellular Forces. Any cell refusing such service, for whatever reason, will be executed without trial or ceremony.

A total ban on sugar, chemical additives and all processed foods will be maintained while BOSS, reeling from this surprise attack, but eager to pursue this war to its bitter conclusion, arms for engagement and drafts and trains anti-oxidants from the relatively close and stable apples and oranges, Kale, broccoli and spinach, to such exotic fighting forces as turnips, kumquats, rutabagas and Albanian parsnip.

All manner of leafy green vegetables, squash, tubers and all variety of fruits, legumes and whole grains are encouraged to enlist and serve, regardless of color, creed, natural-growth region or seed origin.

Highly trained Chinese Herbs and other Special Forces will participate as crucial allies in  SIDNEY’s coalition of the willing.

General Cranium’s overall strategy relies heavily on thorough mastication of bulk ammo, conducive to healthy digestion and regular, daily  movements:  rugged anti-oxidant commandos, flocking to SIDNEY from the lean, hard country of kale, collards and bok-choy, trained in the arts of Chinese herbal warfare during intense drills and special-ops Emergency Mobilization Workshops (EMSHOPS), will surge forth, as Grant’s wave upon wave of Union soldiers washed over Lee’s South, drowning The Confederacy and it’s inhabitants in the blood of their own perdition.

Casualties? Eat more kale, collards, chard. Induct more recruits, train them in the lethal herbal arts and send them off to murder the damned “Free Radicals” one by one. Mass extermination. Radi-cide. All Free Radicals must die. The system will be cleansed. Order must be imposed and maintained. Only then can BOSS  be a truly free, democratic  and united organism.

“War is Hell,” said Sherman.

To which Grant added, “Yeah, a Hell of a lotta fun!”

Asked for comment, General Cranium’s terse reply was, “Onward!”

Dr. Spaeiouk (pronounced "spake, speak, spike, spoke and spook" according to both class and dialect in various regions of his native land), has been a researcher and perception manager since immigrating to The Nation many years ago. He might or might not be working on his memoir, "Spaeiouk, Memory," which might or might not be plausibly denied. Don't know him? Not to worry. He most certainly knows you. Very well. Very well indeed... Read other articles by Dr. Spaeiouk.