Rumknee Plan to Privatize the Poor Gets Plaudits at Tea Party Palaver

Republican presidential candidate Omit Rumknee announced his newest central campaign plank last night at a Tea Party meeting in Asinum, Arizona.

“It’s time we privatized the poor,” Rumknee declared. “They are a drain on the resources of our great nation, and cost thousands of dollars in extra taxes foisted on the type of hard-working, industrious Americans who have made this nation great.

“Rather than repair a safety net that can’t, by its very nature, work well, I have already prepared senate and house bills for the Privatize the Poor Act (PPA), which will be introduced into both houses this month, so they can be waiting for my signature at my coronation.

“It is a central tenet of the American way of life that people must be responsible for themselves. We can no longer tolerate the reckless irresponsibility of those who can’t even manage to earn $50,000 a year. These deadbeats need to be redirected into socially productive activity, and we will do so using well-established legal procedures under eminent domain. My legal staff has assured me these procedures will stand under the 29th Amendment to the Constitution of our glorious country.”

When a reporter pointed out there is no 29th amendment, Rumknee, fingering the firearm in his holster, shot back, “By the time anyone foolish enough to challenge this law gets the case to the Supreme Court, there will be a 29th amendment.

“I have already had several serious expressions of interest by responsible corporations who are eager to buy this massive privatized asset. With about 50 million asset units in this class, the proceeds will make a very noticeable decrease in our national debt, accounting for an approximately 975 billion dollars reduction,” Rumknee said.

“The interested corporations have assured me that those who are privatized will enjoy all protections of the animal rights laws. After all, they will be valuable assets, so their owners will have every incentive to keep them in good shape. After all, economic incentive is the great driving force of our capitalistic democracy.”

Asked by an audience member if prisoners who have committed non-violent crimes could be privatized in the same way, Rumknee responded, “They already have been. I don’t have the numbers yet — they are still under study — but a large percentage of our prisons have already been privatized. Their cost of labor is lower than China’s. They are helping make America competitive again! As part of my PPA Act, we will make privatized prisons mandatory.”

Rumknee’s speech was greeted by a standing ovation. “This is the best political development I’ve ever seen. The future of our democracy is assured,” said Tea Party coordinator and Asinum resident Jack Kass.

David R. Yale is the author of Pun Enchanted Evenings: 746 Original Word Plays, which won the 2011 Global eBook Award for Humor. He has written for the Bayside (NY) Patch. Read other articles by David, or visit David's website.