The Ongoing Diaries of Thruxton Cum-Largely

British Government Special Advisor

Wednesday August 29th,  2012

A shocking visit this morning to a National Health Service hospital for a press opportunity with the Minister. As the administrators proudly showed us the hugely expensive equipment that they use some smart Alec from the BBC asked the Minister why we were planning on closing the children’s ward. Nobody was supposed to know about that so we clearly have a leak. The Minister panicked, as Ministers often do with easy questions, and it was left to me to rescue the situation. I told the BBC, through gritted teeth, that we were not closing the ward, per se, merely relocating our assets to form a more cohesive and cost effective base of operations within the larger spending structure of the national economy. I did not mention that we are relocating the assets to tax cuts for the City but the scowl on the journalist’s face suggested he suspected this already. Fortunately the Minister tripped over a power cable, shutting down some important machine or other and the resulting medical emergency and screaming gave us the opportunity to slip away.

Still, the whole affair did get me thinking about NHS funding. Nobody in that hospital was paying for their treatment and quite a few just looked like malingerers to me. It seems that we need to incentivise the public to use the NHS less and so, to that end, I shall suggest that patients should rent their beds. This way those who are just a bit sniffley or suffering from something that will fix itself over time anyway, like broken bones, will think twice before taking up valuable space. We could price the beds comparatively with hotels, like Claridges.

Friday  August 31st,  2012

At last, from midnight tonight squatting will become illegal. Of course, there was the usual lefty fuss about giant buildings left empty for decades that were somehow renovated by squatters in the past but that’s hardly the point. I own at least five houses, some of which I even use occasionally, and I have lived in constant fear that I will visit one day to find my property full of communists.  Now I shall be secure in knowing that I can use the full power of the Law against the homeless. In many ways they should be grateful. You can’t be homeless in prison.

Henry is a UK musician, sound designer, occasional journalist, and owner of Derailed Records. Read other articles by Henry, or visit Henry's website.