The Ongoing Diaries of Thruxton Cum-Largely, Special Advisor

Thursday 16 August 2012

Meeting with the Minister today re trains. Filthy squalid things for people who commute, I thought, but they are essential to the economy, apparently. So I’m told by Weasly-Spiffpot from Transport anyway. As a light blue he is clearly suspect but the Minister seems to trust him so I must bide my time until I can artfully stab him in the back. Quite how Cambridge considers itself a proper University when it was established by the degenerates we chased out of Oxford with pitchforks is beyond me. They may have had Isaac Newton and Stephen Hawking but we have control. One up to Oxford I think.

It seems the proposed 6% train fare increase is upsetting the various socialists who approve of public transport and this, in spin terms, is bad. Apparently, if we shot them all it would cause a catastrophic staffing loss in the City and may well be illegal, so that was my best idea shot down in flames. As an alternative I proposed a high speed City line with tickets issued on educational achievement. Three A levels would grant you 20 miles at 3% discount, a second class degree would get 50 miles at 5% and so on. Anyone living further than 50 miles from the City and still needing public transport is clearly a subversive and should be denied access. Spiffpot constantly undermined me with irrelevant arguments about fairness and democracy. Like we’ve had any of that here recently. It’s just not British. I’m going to have to take out Spiffpot if my career is to advance.

Afternoon led me to the Home Office to discuss Assange and this damned Wikileaks affair. It seems Ecuador has granted him asylum even though he is holed up in Knightsbridge. Hardly a socialist address. I wonder if he would feel so righteous if he was claiming asylum in Neasden? After consulting Wikipedia to discover the whereabouts of Ecuador I placed a call to General Walter Gruntleflaps at the Pentagon. As always he was sympathetic but it seems that an all out land invasion of either Ecuador or West London by the USA is not politically expedient right now so we must pursue more subtle means. He tells me that nuclear weapons, even tactical ones, are verboten in an election year.

Friday 17 August 2012

Accosted at Westminster Bridge Station this morning by a lefty who told me that rate fixing by the banks is criminal. I explained (slowly and loudly, as he was clearly hard of understanding) that there was no statute and so it was not illegal, merely deregulated. He wilfully refused to see the benefit of deregulation and began ranting about theft from the poor. As if anyone would do that! By definition the poor have nothing worth stealing.

I told this story to Bernie Warhmburger, Goldman Sachs chief executive officer for commodity future balancing in the City, over brunch. I chuckled as I recounted the tale until he told me that the Belgian toast we were eating would cost four times as much next year.  Speculation on food is big business, he explained, and although some may starve others will get very rich, which is clearly an economic benefit to all. All that count anyway. Especially as the starving ones are a long way away and can’t vote here. To be on the safe side I hedged my breakfast and bought wheat futures.

Henry is a UK musician, sound designer, occasional journalist, and owner of Derailed Records. Read other articles by Henry, or visit Henry's website.