The Diaries of Thruxton Cum-Largely, Special Advisor

Thruxton Cum-Largely, son of Viscount and Lady Cum-Largely of Borsetshire, is an Eton educated Oxford graduate who went straight into Westminster politics for the Conservative Party after successfully arguing for an abolition of poor people and ‘’other assorted scruffs’’ during the Oxford Union debates.

As a member of the Bullingdon Club in his undergraduate days he can honestly claim to have never behaved sneeringly badly, destroyed property in a drunken rampage, slept with prostitutes or taken class A drugs on a casual basis with dubious businessmen. A claim also made by his fellow alumni David Cameron (Prime Minister), Gideon Osbourne (Chancellor) and Boris Johnson (Mayor of London). Thruxton currently holds the post of Special Advisor to the Minister of Administrative Affairs.

Monday 13 August 2012

Well, the Olympics are over (the Paralympics don’t count, a tedious affair full of lefty sympathising crap) and what a triumph they were. They showed Britain at it’s absolute, modern, best. The Beatles, Mary Poppins and a road system that finally prioritised the valuable people in this country. Quite why the work-shy locals feel they have a right to block my Aston Martin with their filthy, small Fords is beyond me. Where are they going anyway? We closed all the factories in the eighties.

I have suggested to the Minister that we introduce income based road usage. Any car worth less than 35k should be relegated to a one-lane toll road, with no parking. If they won’t contribute to the economy by buying a decent car, then they should at least pay for the roads they constantly hog.

Strangely, our nine billion pound Games, on the doorstep of the most impoverished (or lazy as I prefer to term them) boroughs in the country drew not one peep from the communist BBC about how it could all have been spent on health care or pensioners instead. I can only assume they all have private health insurance by now. Either that or the Government imposed move from London to Salford taught them who is boss.

Foreign athletes were too busy saying how decent the British were to claim asylum (fortunately they weren’t allowed to stray into Tower Hamlets), bar one or two who may well be assets for us in the next Games so it all works well in the end. Even Boris (Johnson) and Dave (Cameron) dancing to the peak of current British pop, The Spice Girls, at the closing ceremony went across well although it reminded me of the fagging days at Eton.

The one dark spot was the disgusting hijacking of the closing by the Queen guitarist Brian May, who wore a clearly inflammatory and politically motivated picture of a badger on his jacket. How dare he criticise the ever so rightly decided slaughter of the Welsh badger? Dubious scientific evidence my arse. Those filthy stripped monsters kill the global bovine market by constantly coughing and a vaccine for herd is not the answer, whatever the vets say. Poison is far more cost effective than good health, it’s basic Chicago school thinking. To do this at an event seen by the whole world is both revolting and cheap. I think it worth remembering that this is a man who has worn make up before now. Hardly one who’s opinion can be counted on.

Tuesday 14 August 2012

The momentum for our American cousin Romney has been building in Whitehall and I think it’s fair to say his VP choice, Paul Ryan, has got a few here excited. True, Romney was less than gracious in his comments during his recent visit but Cameron dealt with his Colonial upitiness admirably. With Ryan, though, he has chosen someone who values sound economics over employment and has clearly seen that health care for the poor just makes them more indolent. How much more robust this once great country would be if we only stopped the expensive treatments for the assorted dole scroungers and tradesmen who think it their right to have a hospital. If they had worked harder at school maybe they would be able to afford real health cover with a doctor that had the resources to cure them.

Of course, we don’t have death panels in this country, but I suggested to the minister that he should in no way say this explicitly in any interviews he gives to the American press. If at all possible, I suggested, he should hint that we have a system that resembles the film Logan’s Run. Fox News, certainly, would run with that story in a positive way. Hannitey would probably even believe it. It should be subtly put, of course, but our American friends understand Hollywood and we must speak in their language.

Privately, I am excited about Romney/Ryan. I was personally responsible for burying the story about Romney’s dog on the car roof vacation experience in the British press. Phrased the right way the UK will accept almost anything, slavery, racism, child labour to get a cheap iPhone, but never poor treatment of dogs. Ryan will be easier to spin in the press as nobody here has ever heard of Wisconsin let alone been able to spell it. I’m not even sure I know where it is myself.

We certainly need a change from Obama, a man who thought Churchill was optional. Of course, Obama isn’t a Muslim or gay and wasn’t born in Kenya but it doesn’t help to say that. The trick is to simply deny it equivocally. Once the doubt is cast, rumour will do the rest.

At least Obama hasn’t hindered the military, a common and glorious bond between our two countries, but he certainly doesn’t seem enthusiastic about it. What, might I ask, is wrong with cluster bombs? Collateral damage is just the cost of doing business, people need to grow up and smell the Taliban. Personally I would expand Guantanamo so thank God he broke his promise to close it. Obama has broken almost enough promises to be a Conservative. There are plenty of liberals here that I would happily water board. The deputy Prime Minister and the Business Secretary for a start.

Henry is a UK musician, sound designer, occasional journalist, and owner of Derailed Records. Read other articles by Henry, or visit Henry's website.