Ann Romney Attempts to Humanize Husband Mitt

While fundamentalist Christian supporters locked arms outside the convention center this week to protect the GOP from God’s wrath via Hurricane Isaac, Ann Romney told the white delegates inside that her husband was “the greatest lifter ever,” who will levitate America with one giant bench press.

Ann’s giggly speech was part of an assault on the news media to “humanize” Mitt, whose vision shifts like the preverbal sands of the Sahara, and to focus on cutting taxes for billionaires while shrinking government programs for the needy. As she recounted the daily trials of living on $12 million a year, she noted the rising cost of thoroughbred horses, servants’ salaries, and maintenance on the couple’s many properties.

Despite rumors that the Romney’s owned 16 properties over the past decade, Ann said they are much poorer than what many believe. They own only an $800,000 condo in Massachusetts, a $7 million complex of  two properties in New Hampshire, and a $12 million dollar “tear down” in La Jolla, that the Romney’s are expanding to 11,000 sq. ft. to accommodate their growing Mormon family of four dozen.

When it comes to Mitt’s taxes, Ann stood up for her man. “We need more money and fewer taxes, but releasing our tax data will only make people hate us; people know everything they ever need to know about our money. It’s none of their business.”

Ann said Mitt had a “warm and loving heart” and stands with the oppressed minority of gun owners in America who need larger magazine clips for their automatic military rifles. “Do you realize you can’t shoot in bars, in restaurants, in schools and churches anymore? You can’t shoot anyplace. We have to return the country to the past, and Mitt promises to do that!”

Reminiscing on the family’s early privation, Ann explained how one night when they were first married and she was pregnant, Mitt made her climb on the roof to fix the TV antennae during a lightning storm. “He said it would help build character, and his words of wisdom served me well in dressage, where I’ve been under tremendous pressure to win.”

Life for the well-heeled family has not been a bed of roses. “Believe me,” Ann said, sipping from a 40 ounce energy drink, “it wasn’t easy to raise five boys on a million dollars a month and it’s getting harder: Can you imagine what it cost to change to oil on my six Cadillacs?” Nor were her children spoiled, despite receiving paychecks from the family businesses. “Their allowances were barely more than that of our servants,” she said.

While Mitt stood in the background wearing a Duchene smile, Ann recounted how difficult it was to convert from Episcopalian to Mormonism, which requires wearing special magic underwear. She referred to the garment filled with secret symbols that every true believer wears 24/7. “It’s all about love,” Ann emphasized, “and about sacrifice. Our family life is centered around sacrificing for Mitt.”

Proud of Mitt’s religious state, Utah, which she visited once, Ann suggested that Bingham Canyon, “the biggest pit in the world,” inspired her when she saw it. “Mitt and I went there to dedicate ourselves to ourselves,” Ann explained. “It makes us feel powerful, which is what America’s all about.” Kennecott Copper is digging the pit, a hole half a mile deep and 2.5 miles wide that would seat 9 million people. It sits where a mountain once stood and has become a symbol for the conservation agenda of the GOP.

“Believe me, life is hard for everyone, us included,” Ann said. She emphasized that Mitt built Bain Capital Management and took a hands-on role in helping people move beyond their once stable jobs to embrace change so they could “go out into the world to find new opportunities instead of being stuck with the same old job they had for years.”

In closing, Ann brought GOP delegates to their feet when she called for cutting Medicare and Social Security for millions of Americans.

Don Monkerud is an California-based writer who follows cultural, social and political issues. He is the author of America Unhinged: Politics and Pandemic in the 2020 Election (2021). He can be reached at: Read other articles by Don.