President Suffering from Newly Discovered Illness

The White House today admitted that President Obama had sought medical assistance for a rare infirmity that rendered the President helpless to withstand any demands made to him by ultra right-wing conservatives. He said that he was somewhat stymied by his inability to say no to whatever requests were made by Tea Bag Republicans, and instead, found himself not only willing to compromise on any and all issues raised by them, but he actually insisted on meeting them ¾ of the way regardless of the issues involved.

He begged the Republicans not to demand that he give up one of his daughters for adoption, because he recognized that he simply wouldn’t know which one to abandon, and which to keep within his family. He also knew that he wouldn’t be able to explain his choice to Michelle.

At first, Obama thought that his problem was a physical, rather than a psychological one, and sought the advice of the White House osteopath. But that expert opined that it was not a case of a weakened backbone, or spinal disintegration, but rather was more akin to an addiction or mental health issue. The White House psychiatrist explained that Obama did not have the willpower to say no to any neo-conservative Republican, and felt an overpowering need to please him/her regardless of the consequences.

Obama pointed to recent examples of other African-Americans who suffered from the same syndrome: Condoleeza Rice, Clarence Thomas, and Colin Powell immediately came to mind. He explained that he has such respect for these leaders that he felt an obligation to serve the same servile role as they had, and to follow in their obsequious footsteps.

When asked whether he felt that his premature abandonment of Shirley Sherrod or Van Jones was a manifestation of his inability to say no to right-wing demands, the President became a bit self-righteous and explained that firing these staff members was totally consistent with his sense of what White House aides should look like. He pointed out how different they were from the other White House advisors that Obama remained loyal to: Rahm Immanuel, Ben Bernanke, Hillary Clinton, to name just a few.

Having caved in to the Republicans on medicare, social security, public education, abortion, war, Wall Street, and health care, Obama felt the time had come for remedial action. He either wanted to get a better grasp on why he felt the need to compromise endlessly with the Tea Baggers, or alternatively to reconcile his feelings of guilt about it and simply join the other side.

When asked how it would take to treat his condition, he estimated that he would get a handle on it sometime after the 2012 Presidential election. He asked for understanding and patience from voting age Democrats, and urged the Republicans to support him as a result of his ongoing endorsement of everything they asked for.

Luke Hiken is an attorney who has engaged in the practice of criminal, immigration, and appellate law. Read other articles by Luke, or visit Luke's website.