Letters to Santa Claus

by David Macaray / December 10th, 2010

Dear Santa,

Admittedly, mistakes have been made.  I am not perfect.  I was brought up to believe in two slogans:  Greed Is Good, and Buyer Beware.  If ambition is a crime, then I plead guilty.  If providing for your family is a crime, I plead guilty.  If fraud and embezzlement are crimes, I plead guilty to 11 federal counts, and nolo contendere to 44 others.  Please bring me a full pardon.  I’m an old man.  Don’t let me die in prison.

Sincerely,
Bernard Madoff

Dear Santa,

This Christmas, all we ask is that you bring us President Obama’s brain in a glass jar.  We already have his heart and balls.

Yours truly,
The Republican Party

Dear Santa,

I have been a good boy this year.  Let me clarify the truth value of that statement.  It falls within the standard deviation and generally accepted parameters of “good: and “bad” (with allowances made for situational ethics, unexpected opportunities, and circumstances beyond my control). While I’m rich, famous and adored by people who have no reason to even like me, I am now very bored.  Please bring me a new career.

Sincerely,
Alan Greenspan

To Whom It May Concern,
cc:  North Pole trade representatives
cc:  Santa, elves, helpers

I’ve been advised to contact your team.  Not that we’re ungrateful, but we need more.  More of everything.  While the voters, the Congress and the Supreme Court have all done their part to reward Big Business, we need more.  Pluto may no longer be a planet, but plutocracy is still the name of the game — if you get my drift.  Let’s arrange a meeting.

Regards,
Thomas Donohue
President and CEO, U.S. Chamber of Commerce

Dear Santa,

Like all good Americans who want to see their country remain strong and liberty ring out its proud name for all to help keep us free in order to refudiate the lies of our enemies and the mainstream media.  Please bring my family prosperity.  Do I consider you a Socialist because you’re a foreigner who encourages people to rely on free gifts?  You betcha.

In Freedomship,
Sarah Palin

Santa,

I need a favor, and I don’t want to hear any happy horseshit about who’s been “naughty or nice.”  My kids want presents.  And even though I can afford to buy them any fucking thing they need, they want Santa to do it.  Any objections you have, you can stick up your ass.  How do we make this happen?  Get back to me ASAP.

Rahm Emmanuel

Dear Brother Claus,

This year I’m asking that you bring U.S. workers the gift of job security, livable wages, and decent benefits.  It would mean a lot.  Because most of your toys are made in China, I was reluctant to write you.  But you’re our last hope, Santa.  The Democrats have warned us to keep away.  They don’t want to “spook the market.”  Which means the American worker is now on his own.  Please do what you can.  Merry Christmas.

In Solidarity,
Richard Trumka
President, AFL-CIO

Dear Santa Claus,

I assume you’re a Jew, and that you’re willing to help other Jews.  My country needs your assistance.  Although we are surrounded by hostile neighbors who wish to annihilate us, much of the world still blames Israel.  They call us Zionists.  Could you put in a good word for us?  Tell people we want peace.  Tell them we want to live in harmony.  Tell them also that we never forget, that if they don’t heed your words, we will learn their identities and hunt them down.

Respectfully,
Benjamin Netanyahu
Prime Minister

David Macaray is a playwright and author, whose latest book is How to Win Friends and Avoid Sacred Cows: Weird Adventures in India: Hindus, Sikhs, and Muslims When the Peace Corps was New. Everything you ever wanted to know about India but were afraid to ask. He can be reached at: dmacaray@gmail.com. Read other articles by David.

This article was posted on Friday, December 10th, 2010 at 7:28am and is filed under Humor, Satire.

17 comments on this article so far ...

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  1. commoner3 said on December 10th, 2010 at 6:34pm #

    ear Santa Claus,

    I assume you’re a Jew, and that you’re willing to help other Jews. My country needs your assistance. Although we are surrounded by hostile neighbors who wish to annihilate us, much of the world still blames Israel. They call us Zionists. Could you put in a good word for us? Tell people we want peace. Tell them we want to live in harmony. Tell them also that we never forget, that if they don’t heed your words, we will learn their identities and hunt them down.

    Respectfully,
    Benjamin Netanyahu
    Prime Minister
    ———————————————————————–
    David Maccary,

    Either you are a full of shit Zionist who are trying to defend Israel’s crimes, atrocities, and severe injustice toward the Palistinian people or you don’t know what are you talking about.!

  2. Don Hawkins said on December 11th, 2010 at 6:05am #

    Dear Santa,

    I live in the United States and am older so am writting you not for myself but the younger heck forty is young to me. Here in the States we have this group called the wealthy and they are asking for a big present and this is after they just got big presents all year. Can you please put coal in there stocking and not sure how powerful you are but better yet would be for this group to find another planet to destroy. Do you have a sled that can travel far far away and hold 2 or 3% of our population. This would be better for us all. So no presents they have to much stuff already more needs to be done but that would be a great start.

    Don/ citizen of the Milky Way Galaxy

  3. Don Hawkins said on December 11th, 2010 at 6:24am #

    Santa I forgot a couple of things. These big present’s the 1 or 3% got is measured in trillions and let’s just say look’s good on paper. Maybe you could just leave them all a note that read’s kiss my ass. I know you usually don’t say things like that but think about it. How’s the weather up there Santa for you and your elves much to warm well here in the greatest Nation on Earth the 1 or 3% are now in control of our media/information some of us call them central control so maybe for all the people in the media leave them a chart or two in there stocking maybe a recording of what’s going on where you live and please think about that card to the 1 or 3% kiss my ass. Thank’s Santa.

  4. Don Hawkins said on December 11th, 2010 at 6:43am #

    Maybe this will be helpful Santa here in the States we have those financial channels on TV Bloomberg, Fox Business, and my favorite CNBC so if you watch these channels a great place to see the 1 or 3% because they seem to like to get there face on TV not all of course some like to hide behind the curtain so to speak so read DV for there names. Make a list and heck check it twice and remember destroyer of World’s that’s all Santa I know you are busy.

  5. beverly said on December 11th, 2010 at 6:55am #

    commoner3:

    The writer was being sarcastic; he is not a Zionist cheerleader.

    BTW, Mr. Macaray, great piece – hilarious and on point.

  6. Don Hawkins said on December 11th, 2010 at 7:44am #

    Ok Santa I’ll write this while we still have an Internet do you have a computer if not we will send you one. Here in the States there is a group called the business round table this is a great place to take down names for the 1 or 3% and very naughty boy’s and girl’s indeed. Now they have helpers the United States Congress the Executive and the Judicial branch of our government. Well let’s not forget the United States Treasury and the Federal Reserve. All very naughty boy’s and girl’s indeed. Of course there are a few more little group’s and you do go Worldwide on Christmas but I know late in the season to be jolly remember coal in the stocking and the card that card is important and speaking of coal there’s this one man named Blankenship of Massey Energy maybe two lump’s of coal in his stocking other naughty boy’s and girl’s from BP, Chevron, Shell, Exxon and a few more no more present’s this year as a much better idea is to take those companies and make them a big president to we the people. Santa can you do that? If you do have a sled that can travel far far away maybe you know of a planet in say The Andromeda Galaxy with real lousy weather for these naughty boy’s and girl’s. Let’s all have a merry Christmas and in twenty eleven how about a little change we can believe in loud and clear.

  7. Don Hawkins said on December 11th, 2010 at 7:58am #

    These tax cut’s for the wealthy we hear it’s a hold your nose moment it’s the best we can do. If this is the best they can do we are going down and down hard because if we wish to survive and most other life on this planet so far the thinking is 100% looney tunes the whole thing is certifiable and yet they keep getting away with it. So far just a few are standing up to these people it will take a lot of us.

  8. mary said on December 11th, 2010 at 8:07am #

    The coward’s way out for Mark Madoff, aged 46, who has hanged himself in New York.

    bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-11976801

  9. Don Hawkins said on December 11th, 2010 at 8:26am #

    Repeat the obvious repeat the obvious and if you see something say something. What I just wrote in above comment’s is probably not what the few have in mind. More on the lines of a Police State where Glenn Beck get’s to be the preacher man yes stay in lock step with the nonsense while Fox New’s get’s to be the official New’s although they all seem to be in that fair and balanced state of mind. They are the few and yet they get away with it so far. The talk the arguments are now beyond stupid in between go shopping and what Oprah is doing 100% certifiable if the truth be known.

  10. Don Hawkins said on December 11th, 2010 at 8:43am #

    Mary that was not my first thought when I read that about the Madoff kid. In these families there seems to be that one person who just needs more a lot more and my first thought was poor kid didn’t stand a chance. Yes it trickles down and going to get ruff for the one’s who live in that dream world.

  11. Angie Tibbs said on December 11th, 2010 at 2:06pm #

    Don, the “Madoff kid” was 44 years old — or 46, depending on what one reads.

  12. 3bancan said on December 11th, 2010 at 8:45am #

    mary said on December 11th, 2010 at 8:07am #

    Yeah, the world has lost another great “philanthropist”. The question now is who is going to continue his “philanthropic” work.
    PS: As money – after it gets “created” by a bank – normally doesn’t get “lost” but only changes its owner, it would be interesting to see who are now the owners of those “lost” Madoff billions…

  13. Hue Longer said on December 11th, 2010 at 10:15am #

    I doubt he killed himself

  14. Don Hawkins said on December 11th, 2010 at 2:56pm #

    Angie I can tell the way you wrote your last comment you already know the answer to that question is was a question right.

  15. bozh said on December 11th, 2010 at 3:39pm #

    poor madoff! he only obeyed torah! so, let’s burn that book. if we do not, more madoffs on their way!

    mind u, i haven’t yet burned my own copy of the bible. but if i get cold enough, i may yet put it to good use. and if i burn it for heat, it won’t be in summertime.
    i am waiting for a frosty day to do the celebratory act and to keep warm!
    tnx

  16. Don Hawkins said on December 11th, 2010 at 3:41pm #

    Dear Santa,

    I’ll bet you have heard of Bernie Madoff and I’ll bet you also know he made a mistake he got caught. Maybe you could leave a note in our lawmakers stockings and tell them to get some courage and find the other people who so far have not been caught. Heck maybe they could catch themselves and yes have to change a few law’s but heck worth a try you never know. Thank’s Santa darn almost forgot in big letters at the bottom of the note write Goldman Sach’s a fine will not do this time. Thank’s again Santa I know your busy do you outsource to China for your plastic stuff because we all know we need more little plastic things and mercury we need more mercury.

  17. MylesH said on December 12th, 2010 at 7:29pm #

    Dear Santa,
    I am a school teacher. It’s all my fault. My students’ poverty and lack of English language skills are my responsibility and I failed them. I submit tests for my principal that have no validity yet I still go to school hoping that that’ll allow me to keep my job next year. I don’t deserve anything. Mr. Gates should get it all. After all, he doesn’t know a thing about education and look at how great his charter school are! Same for Mr. Duncan and his boss, Barack. Give all my presents to them. They earned it more than me.
    mh