Straight Arrow

The Airline of the Future Has Already Arrived – Right on Time!

by James McEnteer / September 14th, 2010

Straight Arrow is proud to announce the revolutionary transformation of airline passenger service. Thanks to advanced technology, we have dramatically reduced the costs and improved the safety of air travel. Flying will never be the same. And for that we can all be grateful!

According to national statistics, more than 75 percent of all aviation accidents occur as a result of pilot error. But at Straight Arrow, pilot error is a thing of the past. Using innovative advances developed and now routinely deployed by the United States government, Straight Arrow exclusively operates our brand-new fleet of unmanned aerial vehicles.

Incomprehensible announcements from the flight deck (making you question the pilot ‘s sobriety or competence) need never bother you again!

With the elimination of cockpit personnel, Straight Arrow also avoids potentially costly and disruptive wage disputes and strike actions. And we pass these savings directly on to you, the air travel consumer. You can fly to all your favorite destinations at a fraction of the usual cost. Over the counter tranquilizers are also provided free of charge to all Straight Arrow clients by our state-of-the-art robotic cabin attendants.

At these prices even ET can “drone home” without costing an arm or an antenna.

So welcome aboard, Straight Arrow!*

*(Offer not valid for flights near and during large Afghani wedding festivities, when these aircraft inexplicably divert to “engage” them.)

James is the author of Shooting the Truth: the Rise of American Documentaries (Praeger 2006), and Acting Like It Matters: John Malpede and the Los Angeles Poverty Department, (2015). He lives in Quito, Ecuador. Read other articles by James.

This article was posted on Tuesday, September 14th, 2010 at 7:00am and is filed under Satire, Science.

2 comments on this article so far ...

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  1. mary said on September 14th, 2010 at 7:56am #

    A nicely mordant piece.

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-south-asia-11293806
    ‘Pakistan drone attack kills eight in North Waziristan
    Eight militants died when missiles fired by a suspected US drone hit a house in north-western Pakistan, local security officials say.’

    Note it is the tenth such attack this month and it is only September 14th. These attacks must be absolutely terrifying and yet Obomber said on the 11th that he has no war with the Muslim world.

  2. Don Hawkins said on September 14th, 2010 at 10:50am #

    A theory we could call it the five star theory. Ok the theory in very simple terms states that a few corporations run by educated men and women are destroying planet Earth for profit and doing it with style. A few more men and woman who are thought of as less educated because they have less money have brought this to the attention of the men and woman who run the corporations with no success. The theory then states that on this present path the Earth will be destroyed for life and no winners but done with style. The cart is being put before horse and the illusion of motion is being put forth with trick photography.