Obama Wins No-Balls Prize

Nobel Committee Regrets "Tragic Typo" That Mistakenly Awarded U.S. President 2009 Peace Prize

Legalienation News, Oslo

In a dramatic announcement that drew gasps of pleasure and cries of “it’s about time,” President Barack Obama today won the “No-Balls” Prize for “spinelessness above and beyond the call of duty,” while retroactively losing the 2009 Nobel Peace prize, which the awards Committee confessed had been mistakenly granted due to a “tragic typographical error.” The five-member Norwegian delegation explained that it had never intended to award Obama the Nobel prize, ironically named after Alfred Nobel, the inventor of gunpowder, but rather, the “No-Balls” prize, named after Nobel’s brother-in-law Alfred Noballs, inventor of the white flag.

“President Obama’s unparalleled record of evasions, cave-ins, and sell-outs is truly awesome,” said Committee-member Erik Wahl. “We have never seen a more immense consistency of cowardice.” Obama won handily over second-place finisher Morris “Yellow Belly” Butler, who stole money from orphans and spent it on liquor and prostitutes. Gracefully conceding defeat, Butler pronounced Obama “a champion invertebrate with few peers and no superiors.”

Archbishop Desmond Tutu of South Africa reacted with unrestrained delight: “From throwing Reverend Wright under the bus to increasing the slaughter of innocents with pilotless drone attacks, Obama has proven himself a great mass of cowardly energy time and again,” he said.

Taliban spokesman Qari Yousef Ahmadi in Afghanistan also applauded the Nobel committee’s decision, confirming that Obama was responsible for escalating war and had “the blood of countless innocents on his hands.” Few can doubt that this is the stuff of which “No Balls” winners are made.

Iranian Foreign Minister Manouchehr Mottaki said,”It’s difficult to think of a more deserving recipient than a man who sustains simultaneous wars against defenseless populations in Palestine, Iraq, Afghanistan, and Pakistan.”

Orlando Sosa, a recent addition to the Nobel Committee, said the selection was intended to honor not just Obama’s swan dive into the lap of Big Business, but also his incredibly multi-faceted cowardice, including: (1) peerless command of euphemism and double-think; (2) outstanding capacity to orate for hours without saying a thing; (3) artful evasion of every moral point; (4) proven ability to see nuance where none exists; (5) a capacity to cave-in faster than an avalanche.

Obama conceded he was “deeply humbled” by the honor, and launched a cruise missile attack on Yemen to celebrate. The No-Balls Laureate promised to “stay the course” in Afghanistan, where he has killed more U.S. troops in 19 months than George W. Bush did in 7 years, and accelerate his extraordinary achievements in torture, environmental catastrophe, bankster bailouts, HMO fascism, and imperial wars from Colombia to Palestine.

As a gesture of good will, he pledged the $2 million cash award that comes with his prize to a deserving death squad that preys on children.

Michael Smith is the author of "Portraits of Empire." He co-blogs with Frank Scott at www.legalienate.blogspot.com He co-blogs with Frank Scott at www.legalienate.blogspot.com. Read other articles by Michael.

13 comments on this article so far ...

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  1. hayate said on August 20th, 2010 at 8:21am #

    Nice satire.

    And essentially true….

  2. Jeff White said on August 20th, 2010 at 3:33pm #

    Alfred Nobel invented dynamite. The Chinese invented gunpowder centuries before that.

  3. teafoe2 said on August 20th, 2010 at 3:42pm #

    Jeff White: and your point is…?

  4. Max Shields said on August 20th, 2010 at 6:25pm #

    teafoe2 first read the article than see if you need to ask…

  5. Deadbeat said on August 20th, 2010 at 7:18pm #

    Without all the sarcasm, the error the author makes is that he attributes the invention of gunpowder to Nobel. Nobel invented dynamite not gunpowder. It’s a minor error but it doesn’t diminish the article’s satire.

  6. teafoe2 said on August 20th, 2010 at 8:26pm #

    thank you very much, I read it but not closely enough to catch the error. my bad.

  7. BartFargo said on August 20th, 2010 at 8:36pm #

    Nice parody, but needs more profanity.

  8. teafoe2 said on August 20th, 2010 at 8:59pm #

    I heartily agree, thank you FartBargo!

  9. Don Hawkins said on August 21st, 2010 at 2:37am #

    T42 your last comment border line brilliant.

  10. Don Hawkins said on August 21st, 2010 at 4:02am #

    Nobel the prize and who invented the known Universe? Probably thinking in terms of the known Universe is not the answer or who the wrong approach. Now Hawking just said the next 100 years for us human’s will be the test not of time and space as that will still be here we human’s maybe not. Let’s see in the first part of the twenty first century a human measurement in the greatest nation on Earth third planet from the Sun in the Milky Way Galaxy we have a thing called a calendar divided up into 12 months and this November much money again a human invention is being raised to divide us up into groups. This will be done it appears using a form of thinking for us human’s called bullshit to strong of a word ok illusion and if feeling bold illusion of knowledge but must say with known knowledge saying illusion of knowledge is a bit of a stretch bullshit. Just on the off chance what we are now seeing is bullshit I guess we will vote in November for one of the other bullshit party’s. Now just on the off chance Hawking is correct on the 100 year part this isn’t looking real good for human’s. Divide us up into groups seems so 17th century as we do now know we are all made of Star Dust heck how about this November we don’t vote but instead we the star dust people meet at the Capital one voice loud and clear we will not vote for your bullshit party’s as my son and daughter and there kid’s still think it’s a good idea to survive, live and this bullshit party part is sending us all down the drain in not such slow motion. We the star dust people think, see, hear and we are not leaving we have decided to stay on Earth make a stand so to speak now our next speaker Mr. James Hansen also a star dust person and after that Michael Oppenheimer will speak and many more we are not leaving oh and Glenn Beck who after a little talk in the town square and a nice cup of coffee decided to become a star dust person will talk he was a hard one to convince as his first words were oh that’s crazy star dust whoever heard of such a thing. Well it took a few pot’s of coffee and now Glenn is star dust oh heck heeeeere’s Glenn. We are not leaving; well not yet wise ones.

  11. Don Hawkins said on August 21st, 2010 at 4:33am #

    What do you think Capital speech’s from the best minds we got then as the Sun set’s in the Eastern sky sorry to many political ads I mean Western sky then a few tunes tomorrow tomorrow it’s only a day away.

    We are stardust, we are golden,
    We caught in the devil¹s bargain,
    And we got to get ourselves back to the garden.

    I wonder how the media would handle that one?;;

  12. Don Hawkins said on August 21st, 2010 at 5:36am #

    Ok known fact we are all star dust what if we all remember that fact don’t forget would we all want air conditioned tents and orange chicken? Let’s see at this very second on our present path we need not want another Earth to keep going and going so probably the wrong approach. So a new way of thinking is it ok if we do that will there still be human’s who have more star dust live with an old way of thinking while we live with a new way of thinking? This set’s a very bad example for the kid’s you would think so again probably the wrong approach and today what’s the approach, system. Hay Glenn Beck you out there four blackboards is it can you put your best people on this but wait oh that’s crazy we need another Earth what planet are you from? Now just on the off chance you are out there Glenn and would say that that would be my point exactly.

  13. Max Shields said on August 21st, 2010 at 8:22am #

    Deadbeat no one has stated that the error is “major”. The article is good. But since we have posting machines at work, it would be nice to know they actually read the article they’re posting on…it’s indicative of the ideological bent that cares less about these articles than to use DV as a pretext for fabrication.