An Irishman’s Guide to Surviving the Recession

The best way of surviving the recession is coma. You can let the bills stack up in the hallway while you’re in a coma. You won’t be charged for coma services until you wake up. Otherwise, sleep long and hard using the nod reaming technique. It’s free and time passes. Make love slowly while you’re surviving the recession.

Be avant-garde. Treat house and car alarms and sirens and the screaming of victims as music. WHEE-AWWW WHEE-AWWW WHEE-AWWW WHEE-AWWW beautiful beautiful beautiful music.

Surviving uh, surviving uh, surviving the recession.

Here are some tried and tested methods of surviving the recession: long term fasting, burglary, ransoms, priesthood, beating the living shit out of the wife and kids, cough-bottles, valium, glue, smoke, firelighters, Man Utd, caravans, turnips, pissing in bottles, catdoganddonkey-torture, burning your furniture, Fianna Fail, fascism, world wars.

Marry the checkout boy. It helps with the shoplifting.

Timeshare your outside toilet for people to take their holidays in. But don’t ever cut your grass or do any weeding. That way you can lead ant-hunting safaris into your back garden.

The totem animals of surviving the recession are the rat, the louse, the pigeon, the hyena, the cockroach, the vulture and the politician. They are all identifying very closely with us now. Study them. Ask yourself why have they survived over so many others, perhaps more beautiful than they?

We are all of us together as one going forward sharing the pain knuckling down wearing the jersey sporting the badge licking the whip sticking the sticker shaking the sleeve drinking the milk patting the mascot sucking the cloves rimming the bowl flying the flag of surviving uh surviving uh surviving uh surviving the recession.

Business must go on. It can’t stop itself. To see if you too can make a profit, find yourself a niche perversion, some rarely explored lowland of human degradation, then put it on the market.

It’s even possible, if you are flexible enough, to find a new job while you and all about you are surviving the recession. Study worms too. They are very flexible. And not preoccupied about safety standards. Did you ever hear a worm complain about limb loss?

Cheap Healthy Eating Tip: You can grow certain mushrooms on your toes.

Cheap creepy eating tip: Cannibalism

Cheap unhealthy eating Tip: Collect the tears of your neighbourhood and extract the salt. This is sustainable. In famine you may use the salt to preserve the dead. See above.

Cheap fun but bad for you drinking Tip. There will be plenty tears to spare. Especially womens’ and childrens’. These make a wonderul hooch when distilled. Also piss whiskey is disgusting but effective.

The Patron Saint of FAS, employment agencies and surviving the recession is St Anthony. Pray to him and he will immediately drop his attentions to his billion other petitioners and rush down from the clouds to your aid, scouring the industrial wastelands of the planet, looking for your lost job.

Learn to speak Mycenean.

Stay respectable. Don’t laze about at home. Slope out into the world with your laziness. Become a sloth coach. Become the buddha of sloth. Teach an evening course and give seminars in ‘surviving the recession’.

Scan the nighttime skies for signs the galaxy is coming to our aid. You could well be the one THEY choose to transmit the new religion, the new freedoms.


Take take advantage advantage of of your your clone clone to to draw draw double double dole dole.

Share the pain: hurt as many people as you can.

If you become homeless, join a library and order multiple copies of the onionist’s cookbook. And the onanist’s cockbook. But don’t confuse the two. Don’t cook your cock or slide a spring onion up your buttered arse, expecting a burst of colonial joy.

Watch out for boredom, frustration, depression and tantrums. Keep smoking drinking and eating crisps and biscuits. Keep the television on. Tie yourself to the remote control. Hug your teddy bear in between fits. Be like the moon, looking stupid happy and full upon your monthly outing, showing everyone your brightside no matter what dark secret things are following you around.

Time is change no matter how you spend it. This recession won’t last forever. Look at your mom and dad, your grandparents. Look at how they got on at surviving uh surviving uh surviving uh surviving uh surviving uh surviving their recessions. It didn’t crush them, did it? Think of the children.

Above all be smart. Be wide. Be hawkish. Be hip to how things are going to pan out in the medium term. Use the spare time while surviving uh surviving uh surviving uh the recession to prepare yourself for the coming boom boom, when you will be doing a totally different kind of surviving.

Dave Lordan is an activist writer and performer whose debut poetry collection The Boy in The Ring (Salmon, 2007), won the Patrick Kavanagh Award, and The Strong Award for best first collection by an Irish writer. His first play Jo Bangles will go into production in February 2010 in Dublin. His second poetry collection You're Dead is due from Salmon in 2010. Read other articles by Dave.

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  1. russell olausen said on December 6th, 2009 at 10:33pm #

    My first loves mother said it helps to remember any victories you or your ancestors may have had, going no further back in time than when your religion began.Tell the truth, it helped about as much as her other advice.