National Rifle Association to Arm Church Members

The National Rifle Association is coming to the rescue of fearful true believers in Arkansas, who fear they might be shot in church and wake up in hell. These worshipers recently had their demands to bear arms in places of worship turned down by the state senate after a number of church shootings across the country.

The fear is so great that state authorities estimate that last month 120,000 Arkansas churchgoers purchased handguns, rifles, automatic rifles and even used Soviet tanks and an aircraft carrier to protect themselves from crazed worshipers, who take the Bible injunction, “an eye for an eye,” literally. The FBI expects shootings in churches to rise 800 percent this year as unemployed executives fight for control of church coffers.

Currently Arkansas only excludes concealed weapons from churches and bars. Common wisdom in the state is: “Beware a man who owns one gun-he probably knows how to use it.” The average man in Arkansas owns 35 guns, a requirement of citizenship.

The National Center for Disease Control estimates that 30,000 deaths a year result from disputes over religious superiority. Under former President George Bush, Justice Department officials estimated that allowing concealed weapons in bars under a new Drunks Can’t Shoot Straight program, could cut yearly deaths from firearms in half.

Urged on by the Southern Baptist Church, Witness for the Dead Christ, the NRA and a plethora of Pentecostal denominations, voters flooded the state capital in Little Rock with petitions to allow concealed weapons during worship services. A political battle ensued-many legislators carry concealed weapons during debates in the state legislature, but no gunfire erupted during the session-and the Senate rejected imposing state authority over churches.

“Let’em make up their own minds if’en they want to carry guns in church,” said Robert E. Lee XIV, director of the Concealed Big Bore Association. Lee pointed out that 42 states in the U.S. allow churches to decide whether worshipers should carry firearms. “Churches don’t no longer cotton to none a them idears of layin’ down with no lambs,” Lee said. “Today we’re all preachin’ musclear Christianity. Member the Crusades!”

After defeating the bill by asserting freedom of churches to decide whether to arm worshipers, the National Rifle Association pledged support for church members who feel naked in church without their handguns. The NRA’s “Never Enough Guns” program, in conjunction with the Charlton Heston Dead White Guys Rule Foundation, provided free gift certificates for “a gun of your choice” to “white males over the age of 50.”

“People like them big guns and thar takin’em off the shelves fastern I can put’em up,” said Joe Joe Wiggins, owner of Joe’s Pool Hall, Beer Joint, Dance Hall and Used Gun Emporium in Mayhem, Arkansas. “They’re coming from all around here. We even fixed up the basement to look like a church so they can get’em some target practice.”

While there are almost no restrictions on firearms in Arkansas, ex-Nazis, skinheads, KKK-members and other Aryans with arrest records will receive “get out of jail free” cards provided by the NRA and the Pacific Foundation for Legal Fabrication. “We are honored that Mr. Heston can still fight for our freedom from the grave,” said Ray Gun Young, president.

The opposition defeated the measure because Southerners traditionally object to government forcing moral decisions on religious institutions. “Sometimes shootin’ someone is okay accordin’ to the church,” said Billy Wing Wright III, president of Southerners for the Old Rugged Cross.” The state cannot take away church control.”

Nevertheless, security remains an issue. Some churches are resorting to placing machine guns in strategic locations in case church members become unruly during services.

“A lot of them teenagers ain’t recognizin’ the authority of their church elders no more,” said Reverend Yahoo Johnny Johnson, minister of McDonald’s Airport Salvation Church in Halfwitt, Arkansas. “Why my flock is supportin’ the deacons, vice ministers and other faithful carrin’ guns to keep’em in line.”

Don Monkerud is an California-based writer who follows cultural, social and political issues. He is the author of America Unhinged: Politics and Pandemic in the 2020 Election (2021). He can be reached at: Read other articles by Don.

30 comments on this article so far ...

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  1. lichen said on March 7th, 2009 at 3:25pm #

    Stupid psychopaths! Bring the gun to church and shoot your brainless, lifeless violent face into oblivion.

  2. Tree said on March 7th, 2009 at 4:20pm #

    Hmmm…What’s funnier? The article or lichen’s comment? Tough call.

  3. Jeff said on March 7th, 2009 at 5:12pm #


    cannot even ask you to pick up an axe and cut wood for heat and cooking next winter. this is what ‘humankind’ has turned to.

    Get Your Gun Anne! We are going to need it!

    And where is John Wayne when you need his kind?

    LONG GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. lloyd rowsey said on March 8th, 2009 at 6:57am #

    Wow. Where does one find an aircraft carrier for sale, which can be sailed up the Mississippi, these days? Lake Pontechrain?

  5. CommonSense said on March 8th, 2009 at 10:15am #

    What a distorted and disturbed web site. It is obvious there is a lack of understanding of the constitution, freedom, and basic Christianity. Yes, there are loons out there… I guess some of them are here writing for this web site… but most Americans love freedom, will step up to the plate when others are persecuted (Afghanistan, Iraq, etc), and believe God is a higher authority then any of the great minds that may try to sell us their philosophy of life.

    Many of the problems of today are due to a lack of values… honesty, reverence, hope, thrift, humility, charity, sincerity, moderation, hard work, courage, personal responsibility…

    But this site is more than enough evidence of that…

  6. danny ray said on March 8th, 2009 at 10:48am #

    OH My God, Common sense run for your sanity, The people here hate your’s and my america, Have no true concept of freedom, hate God and religion and believe we invaded iraq and Afganistan for oil and to establish an empire. That Germany in the fourties was not any worse than America. and that all the values you mentioned are silly anacronistic and useless.

  7. danny ray said on March 8th, 2009 at 10:49am #

    P.S. Common sense did you know that the Germans did not kill any Jews on purpose and that the Real Jews are the cause of all the worlds problems.

  8. Barry said on March 8th, 2009 at 11:30am #

    If only the saving grace was that gun nuts just killed each other or when their kids bring guns to school they only selected the offspring of gun nuts for execution. Alas….

    Stop production – stop importation.

  9. danny ray said on March 8th, 2009 at 11:47am #

    Barry Barry, Chill out man, you are going to bust a vein.

  10. bozh said on March 8th, 2009 at 12:50pm #

    danny is cheeky again.
    does he know that baal, yahweh, jesus, and allah don’t talk with each other?
    and are so lonely, angry, fearful that each of them keep the devil for company.
    tell him their respective woes. and i believe in the Devil; he tells me what the four angry, lonely gods think and say.
    that is the only reason i know so much; on my own i’d be a basket case; having finished last in every class i ever attended.

    the devil of my own, tells me that the reason gods wld not let dogs to have faith in them is beacuase they cldn’t stand another wayward/foolish/sassy specie to talk back to them.

  11. mary said on March 8th, 2009 at 2:05pm #

    Lovely piece of satire from Mr Monkerud.

    Truth is stranger than fiction though.

  12. danny ray said on March 8th, 2009 at 3:21pm #


    Not being cheeky, just trying to warn an average American away from you leftist rascals. I did not want your guys to fire on him.

  13. jimski said on March 8th, 2009 at 4:17pm #

    what a load of pretentious rubbish, u all need to get some reality in your lives and stop trying to b clever using long words, its pathetic! and the worst spelling and grammer i’ve ever seen

  14. Tree said on March 8th, 2009 at 4:22pm #

    Danny Ray, despite the bumper sticker sloganeering from your side of the fence, I have to tell you freedom is most definitely free. It does not come from knee jerk patriotism nor at the business end of a rifle. It comes only from within. This may be difficult for you to understand given your circumstances in life but I promise you it’s true and I know that you want to know what it’s like.
    The NRA and the other gun freaks will do whatever they can to hide this truth because they want us to be afraid, although I’m sure most of them are just automatons going through the motions and haven’t quite figured it all out yet. Loyal minions, they are.
    But, their worst fear is a society that is awakened and not dependent on the machinations of politicians, lobbyists and the military. I suppose that right there is your holy trinity, huh? Speaking of which, allow me to digress a moment to point out to you there is no God and Christianity is a huge sham.

    I can certainly understand your need to believe what’s going on in Iraq and Afghanistan is of pure and good intentions but this is delusion. Part of the purpose of this delusion is to ensure the cannon fodder go willingly to their slaughter, or at the very least figure out only until it’s much too late that it’s all a bunch of lies. Another part is to make those at home feel not guilty about any of it. However, it’s all bullshit, Danny Ray. All lies. I hope someday you can face that. I tend to think you will eventually but maybe I’m giving you too much credit. But, we all have to face harsh truths from time to time, it’s part of being human.

  15. danny ray said on March 8th, 2009 at 5:03pm #


    I know you fired on me due to the fact that you care about me as a person. And I love you for that. As for giving me too much credit, I suspect that you have. Believe me I have given it much more thought that you could imagin and the answer still keeps coming up with is on the right side of the fence.

    I firmly believe that freedon is not free, there are people who would take it from you in a heart beat.

    I believe firmly in a Just and loving God. if for no other reason that I have seen the evil in the world and chose to side againced it.

    I saw both Iraq and Afganistan before the invasions, I saw a girl drug down the street to her dath ue to the fact that she had been caught with a boy.

    I saw the torture room in Iraq, you guys complain about Abu Garib it was nothing compared to the previous owners actions there. I could tell you what went on but It is sunday night at diner time and I don’t want t think about it.

    AS for guns I am a gun nut. I have several of them , Tree they are just and inaminate objects neither good or bad, sort of like a hammer.
    I do not trust the goverment and am prepared to take the feild as needed. that is my right as an American.

    Now Tree I have one question for you. why do you give me a broadside and let that stupid fuck Gideon slide?

  16. Tree said on March 8th, 2009 at 5:37pm #

    Because Gideon is not worth my time or effort and is boring.

    Danny Ray, are you even aware of your own split opinions? You write there is a just and loving god and back this up by pointing out evil in this world.
    You claim to side against the evil but this is a false ideal. Evil is not this entity separate from humanity; it is part and parcel of the human experience and you won’t eradicate it with guns.
    You defend your beloved military then write you don’t trust your government. Can’t you see how it’s all connected?

    Also, you proclaim all these beliefs where? On a Web site devoted to the opposite views. I think you are searching.

    A gun is not anything like a hammer. The sole purpose of a gun is to kill the living. End of story.

    You justify your actions and the actions of the military by describing the horrible things you’ve seen. I don’t know what I’d do if I saw a woman dragged down the street like that. I would suppose at some point I’d want to grab a gun and start shooting but I hope I wouldn’t.

    The fact is, your military will not stop men from dragging women down the street and killing them. It may suppress that hatred and ignorance for a while but it will only come back because military might does not get to the root cause of these things and solve them.

    One thing I’ve noticed about you is that often your comments are a way to share the terrible things you’ve witnessed. I’m sure you have thought a lot about all that you’ve seen but you haven’t thought far enough or long enough and maybe that’s ok because maybe you’re in a lot of pain right now.
    I am sorry that you’ve had to see those things and I do hope that you won’t think any more about them tonight but give yourself a reprieve.
    Maybe you need to find some peace within yourself to better understand these things.

  17. Tree said on March 8th, 2009 at 5:39pm #

    Danny Ray, the freedom I am referring to cannot be taken away. This is not a religious thing or some metaphysical woo-woo. But it’s real.

  18. danny ray said on March 8th, 2009 at 5:59pm #

    I know exactly what you are talking about the iner freedom which everyman is born with ( no sexism meant Everyman as in humanity)
    yes freedom of the heart is a wonderful thing.

    If you are ruled by mind you are a king; if by body, a slave.
    Cato, Roman statesman and historian

    The slavery I am thinking is the slavery of the body, A slave with freedom in his heart ,tree, is still a slave.

    And I know that you will be unhappy I said this but ”Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. Abraham Lincoln (1809 – 1865) ”

    and it is better to die on ones feet than live on ones knees.

    I was just trying to let that guy know what to expect here.

    and I defy you to say that I was wrong. most here hate America, most hate the concept and disavow God. All here believe that the past eight years have been about greed and empire. so where was I wrong?

  19. danny ray said on March 8th, 2009 at 6:07pm #

    I am sorry I adicted to this web site I have to check it anytime I am on a computer. I almost feel like you and don and max and ramsfall and good ol bozh are friends.

  20. danny ray said on March 8th, 2009 at 6:08pm #

    Also, you proclaim all these beliefs where? On a Web site devoted to the opposite views. I think you are searching.

    Of course I am searching all people should search for the truth.

  21. Tree said on March 8th, 2009 at 6:30pm #

    And you don’t think that as a member of the military, as one who has been indoctrinated to be nothing but a killer and have no individuality is not a slave? If you walked away from the military tomorrow, what would happen to you? Is it any different than what would happen to a slave?

    Cato was indulging in typical either/or thinking. One must have all three–mind, body and spirit, working together in harmony.

    You’re entitled to your own opinions, of course. I found a lot wrong with your initial comment. As you know, I don’t agree with most of what you write here just as I don’t agree with anyone who has such a one sided view of America or believes it to be soulless or any fool who denies gas chambers or who argues endlessly over how many Jews were actually killed. In the end they are all just opinions which really aren’t worth much of anything.

    Search for the truth all you want but there is no one truth and all truths rest on shifting sands. Search for yourself instead.

    You have a good heart, Danny Ray. But I think you are misguided. I’m sure you think the same of me. Have a good night.

  22. danny ray said on March 8th, 2009 at 7:20pm #

    I feel tha I am so much more than a killer. and tho we all dress like “trees” there is a hell of a lot more individuality than you would suppose. Its 0515 here on a monday morning and I feel the need to go have a good run.

    I truley hope you have a wonderful week
    Danny the chimp

    P.S. the orange jumpsuit wont work, I am not an autumn person.

  23. Hue Longer said on March 9th, 2009 at 1:44am #

    Hello Danny and good comments Tree but I’d offer that once definitions are defined, truth is an objective thing and doesn’t rest on shifting sands. You just proved it by sorting through some of Danny’s comments. Sure, some things will remain subjective because not all can be defined completely (music, art), but certainly not everything is merely an opinion.

    My problem with the humor that was written is that it’s a class attack and though I agree that most the armed folks in the States will shoot the wrong people when “revolution” arrives, I don’t have a problem with the notion of gun ownership—I just wish the guys in love with the second amendment would study the other amendments and the ones who are against it (or interpret it in their own manner) would study the 14th amendment.

  24. Tree said on March 9th, 2009 at 4:23am #

    Hue, interesting observation about the piece being a class attack. Unfortunately, the article, however humorous, was proven accurate because there was yet another church shooting yesterday. Also, in my own observations I’ve yet to see college professors argue for a conceal and carry law. Same with many other groups of people.

    As for truth, it’s a bit too early in the morning for me to dive into that debate.

    Have a good week, Danny. Didn’t you know orange is the new black? Or is that so last season?

  25. Hue Longer said on March 9th, 2009 at 6:09am #

    Maybe Tree, but just imagine the piece were not about poorly educated- presumably white- folks and instead about another group with stereotypes of speech attached to make fun of. Poverty and ignorance is more than just “funny” and laughing about it from the advantage of an educated perspective is where I saw the class attack. To be fair, I laugh at ignorance all the time, but usually save it for the top 20 percent…I certainly have laughed at poor white folks in the past and just because they have relative privilege over their peers they tend to hate from other groups, doesn’t mean I should from my vantage point.

  26. Tree said on March 9th, 2009 at 6:19am #

    Hue, maybe I believe in equal opportunity mocking.

    I see your point but at the same time, when I read the article I saw nothing about people being poor. Maybe you made that jump all on your own.

  27. Hue Longer said on March 9th, 2009 at 6:25am #

    poverty and education…I know they don’t seem educated to you

  28. Hue Longer said on March 9th, 2009 at 6:26am #

    They are at churches shooting each other, right? And Profs and other groups don’t do that, right?

  29. Jake said on March 9th, 2009 at 9:32am #

    Guns in Arkansas and in church isn’t to be laughed at… how to make satire out of these American obsessions. Two news items are directly relevant both from NYTimes:
    March 7, 2009
    Arkansas: Weapons Cache Is Found
    Dr. Randeep Singh Mann, a doctor with a history of disputes with the Arkansas Medical Board, was arrested after a large cache of weapons was found at his home. Dr. Mann is accused of possessing unregistered firearms. Federal agents said city employees of London, Ark., about 75 miles northwest of Little Rock, were working near Dr. Mann’s home when they uncovered a plastic bag containing 98 grenades. A search of Dr. Mann’s property produced 110 machine guns and grenade launchers. Court papers said Dr. Mann had been questioned in “a special investigation” on Feb. 4, the day a car bomb critically wounded the president of the medical board, Dr. Trent P. Pierce, in West Memphis. A spokesman for the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco Firearms and Explosives, Austin Banks, said Dr. Mann’s arrest was unrelated to the attack. The medical board twice suspended Dr. Mann’s authority to prescribe narcotics. He has sued the board twice without success, claiming violations of his due process rights.

    The second:
    March 9, 2009
    Pastor Is Shot and Killed at an Illinois Church

    MARYVILLE, Ill. (AP) — A pastor was shot to death and two congregants were stabbed Sunday at a church here near St. Louis, the police said.

    A man strode down the aisle of First Baptist Church during the early morning service and briefly spoke with the Rev. Fred Winters, then pulled out a .45-caliber semiautomatic pistol and began firing until it jammed, said Larry G. Trent, director of the Illinois State Police.

    Churchgoers wrestled the gunman to the ground as he waved a knife, slashing himself and two other people, Mr. Trent said.

    None of the 150-or-so congregants seemed to recognize the gunman. Investigators do not know details of Mr. Winters’s conversation with him but plan to review an audio recording of the service, Mr. Trent said. The service was not videotaped.

    The police said Mr. Winters deflected the first of the gunman’s four rounds with a Bible, sending a confetti-like spray of paper into the air.

  30. C. J.S. said on March 10th, 2009 at 1:11pm #

    … honesty, reverence, hope, thrift, humility, charity, sincerity, moderation, hard work, courage, personal responsibility…

    None of these are religous values….they are humanistic. They come from interactions with humans (and other animals). No gods anywhere around.