New Device Will Enhance London Olympics

SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. (AEP) – The athletes won’t be the only ones taking advantage of the latest technology at the 2012 Summer Olympics in London.

A San Francisco-based company, Ur Research and High Orbital Technologies (which trades on the New York Stock Exchange under the ticker symbol URHOT) is working on a new device that is catching serious attention across the pond. Ur President Bill Carter explains: “For all cities, the honor of hosting the Olympics brings with it a heavy responsibility: Clean up the community to make the Games safe and enjoyable for the whole family.”

Carter says that his company expects to be on the market with their invention just in time for its use by London officials before the 2012 Summer Olympics.

According to Ur spokespeople, the basic concept is simple. Thanks to the millions of dollars in research money provided by the U.S. government over the past several years, biotech firms have succeeded in mapping the human genome.

What Ur scientists have discovered is that homelessness causes a change in the 9th gene on the 11th chromosome. This change, which is always present in people who are homeless and never present in people with homes, can be detected with a high-frequency electronic pulse.

Using this fact has allowed Ur to develop a prototype device, shaped like an ordinary flashlight. This device reads the 11th chromosome to see if the genetic change is present. Upon detection of the change, the device (which the company calls the Ur Microelectronic Orbital Mixer, or URMOM) emits high-energy gamma particles which rearrange the target’s electrons at the high-orbital subatomic level, vaporizing the target.

“Finally, a solution to the problem of homeless that is easy and painless,” said Carter. “No longer will it be necessary to send heavily-armed police into dangerous neighborhoods to sweep away the terrorizing vagrants who blight the landscape. Now even a meter maid can clear the streets in her spare time.”

Liberal homeless advocates were deeply troubled by news of the invention, however. Said one, “This is horrible! Absolutely reprehensible and barbaric! I’m the Director of an organization that runs government-funded soup kitchens. But this device guarantees they’ll close us down. Then what will I do?”

A liberal children’s rights activist also expressed her concern: “Look, every Wednesday I take my son Worthington to Starbucks for a Tall Hazelnut Latte. What if he gets caught in this contraption’s ray? Will it stunt his growth? It is very difficult for a short man to get elected to the United States Senate, especially as a Democrat!”

Ur spokespeople deflected these concerns: “The device is no more harmful than such common items as eggs, milk, wheat, soy, or peanuts.”

British officials are thrilled by the new invention. London Mayor Ken Livingstone said, “We’ve already had one P.R. disaster drive a Prime Minister from office. We don’t need police repression to create another disaster. We want the 2012 Games to be a magical experience for all the valued people of this society.”

Ur President Bill Carter promises exactly that.

E. B. Patton is a reporter for the Cincinnati-based AEP, and can be reached via e-mail at: Read other articles by E.B., or visit E.B.'s website.